Picture this: Sunday morning, 9 a.m., a kitchen bathed in soft light. Coffee’s brewing, the newspaper’s spread across the table, and two people who’ve shared everything from mortgage payments to midnight feedings sit in complete silence. Not the comfortable kind where words aren’t needed, but the heavy kind that makes you wonder when conversation became this hard.
I’ve seen this scene play out with friends, neighbors, and yes, even in my own marriage during certain stretches. After decades of raising kids together, many couples find themselves staring at each other like strangers once the nest empties.
But here’s what I’ve learned after thirty-eight years of marriage: this silence doesn’t mean love has died. It usually means you’ve skipped some crucial maintenance along the way.
Most of us get so caught up in the beautiful chaos of family life that we forget our relationship needs its own attention. And psychology backs this up—there are specific things couples need to do to keep their connection alive through the parenting years and beyond.
1. They stopped being curious about each other
Remember when you first met your partner? You wanted to know everything—their favorite song, their childhood fears, what made them laugh until their sides hurt. Fast forward twenty-five years, and many couples assume they know everything there is to know.
But people change. The person you married at 25 isn’t the same person sitting across from you at 55. Their dreams have evolved, their perspectives have shifted, maybe they’ve discovered new passions or let go of old ones.
I learned this the hard way during a rough patch in my late forties. Work was crushing me, the teenagers were driving us both up the wall, and my wife and I were basically roommates who happened to share a mortgage. We’d stopped asking each other real questions. Everything was logistics: Who’s picking up the kids? Did you pay the electric bill? What’s for dinner?
The turning point came during a long car ride to a family funeral. Trapped in that car for six hours, we finally started talking—really talking. Not about schedules or bills, but about how we felt, what scared us, what we wanted from the next chapter of our lives. It was uncomfortable at first, but it broke something open that had been sealed shut for years.
2. They let the kids become everything
When you’re in the thick of parenting, it feels noble to put your kids first always. Soccer practice trumps date night. College funds matter more than that anniversary trip. Every conversation revolves around report cards and orthodontist appointments.
Tracy K. Ross, LCSW, a couples and family therapist, puts it perfectly: “We know from research that a relationship that’s not given attention will get worse.”
Think about it—you wouldn’t expect a garden to thrive if you never watered it, yet we somehow expect our marriages to survive decades of neglect while we pour everything into our children. The irony? Kids actually benefit from seeing their parents prioritize their relationship. It models what a healthy partnership looks like.
3. They forgot to grow together
Here’s something nobody tells you when you’re young and in love: you’re going to become different people over the decades, and that’s okay. The question is whether you grow in the same direction or drift apart.
I’ve watched couples where one person discovers marathon running in their fifties while the other takes up watercolor painting. Nothing wrong with separate interests, but if you never share new experiences or learn something together, you lose common ground beyond the kids and the house.
After I retired, my wife and I suddenly found ourselves home together all day.
We’d never spent this much time in the same space, and honestly, it was awkward at first. We had to figure out how to be together again, not as co-parents or co-managers of a household, but as two people who actually enjoy each other’s company.
4. They stopped having fun together
When did everything become so serious? Between managing schedules, worrying about college admissions, and keeping everyone fed and clothed, many couples forget that they once laughed together. They used to be playful, spontaneous, maybe even a little silly.
Fun doesn’t have to mean expensive vacations or elaborate date nights. It can be as simple as dancing in the kitchen while making dinner, or having inside jokes that make you both crack up at the grocery store.
But somewhere along the line, many couples lose this lightness. Every interaction becomes transactional or problem-solving focused.
5. They avoided difficult conversations
Nobody likes conflict, especially when you’re exhausted from work and kids. So you bite your tongue about the thing that’s bothering you. You let resentments simmer. You tell yourself it’s not worth the fight.
But those unspoken grievances don’t disappear. They accumulate like sediment, creating distance between you. By the time the kids leave, you’re sitting on twenty years of things you never said, and the weight of all that silence can feel insurmountable.
Wendy Lustbader, an affiliate associate professor at the University of Washington School of Social Work, notes that “Couples often collect a host of topics each may not be able to hear dispassionately from the other, while friends can grant the freedom of wide-ranging, unimpeded exploration.”
This is why some couples find they can talk more easily to friends than to each other—there’s less emotional baggage, less history of avoiding certain subjects.
6. They didn’t prepare for the empty nest
For twenty-five years, your identity is wrapped up in being parents. Then suddenly, the kids are gone, and you’re left looking at each other wondering, “Now what?” If you haven’t maintained your connection as a couple throughout those years, this transition can feel like starting over with a stranger.
The couples who navigate this well are the ones who started preparing before the kids left. They began reclaiming pieces of their pre-kid relationship, planning for what comes next, talking about dreams that extend beyond graduation ceremonies and weddings.
What surprises me most? My marriage in my sixties is actually better than it was in my forties. We’ve figured out how to be us again, not just mom and dad. We have time for those long conversations, for spontaneous trips, for just enjoying each other’s company without an agenda.
Closing thoughts
That retired couple sitting in silence doesn’t have to be your future. The connection you once had isn’t gone—it’s just buried under years of prioritizing everything else.
Starting today, you can choose to be curious about your partner again, to make time for just the two of you, to have those difficult conversations you’ve been avoiding.
So here’s my question for you: What’s one thing you could do this week to reconnect with your partner, beyond discussing kids or household logistics?
