Let’s face it: parenting a teenager can sometimes feel like trying to defuse a bomb while blindfolded. One wrong move—or in this case, one poorly chosen word—and things can go off with surprising force.
I’ve raised kids, and now I have grandkids approaching their teenage years. I’ve seen the pattern: as children grow, they need less managing and more understanding. And the words we use with them can either build bridges or burn them down.
So today, I want to share nine things emotionally intelligent parents never say to their teenagers—and why those words matter more than we often realize.
1) “Because I said so.”
I used to pull this one out when I was tired, frustrated, or just out of patience. And while it certainly ends a conversation quickly, it also shuts down communication.
Teenagers are at a stage where they’re developing reasoning, autonomy, and identity. When we default to authority without explanation, we miss a teaching opportunity. They might obey in the moment, but we’re silently teaching them not to question things or express disagreement—skills they’ll need in adulthood.
A better approach? Explain the why behind your decision, even briefly. “Because staying out that late isn’t safe” or “You’ve got a big day tomorrow, and sleep matters.” It shows respect for their growing independence while maintaining structure.
2) “You’re being dramatic.”
Teenagers feel everything deeply. What seems trivial to us—an argument with a friend, a breakup after two weeks—can feel like the end of the world to them.
When we dismiss their emotions as “dramatic” or “overreacting,” we invalidate their experience. That doesn’t teach resilience; it teaches suppression. Kids who learn to downplay their feelings often struggle to process them as adults.
Instead of brushing it off, try something like, “It sounds like you’re really upset—want to talk about it?” Emotional intelligence starts with empathy, not correction.
3) “What’s wrong with you?”
This one cuts deeper than most parents realize. It implies that they are the problem, not the behavior. And for teenagers—who are already wrestling with identity, self-worth, and belonging—it can sting for years.
If your teen makes a poor choice, separate the action from the person. Say, “I’m disappointed in what you did” rather than “I’m disappointed in you.” That small distinction helps them see that mistakes don’t define them, and it opens space for growth rather than shame.
4) “When I was your age…”
I’ve used this one too many times myself. Usually, it starts innocently enough: “When I was your age, I had a job at sixteen,” or “When I was your age, I didn’t talk to my parents like that.”
But here’s the thing—teenagers don’t live in our world. They live in this one. And while our stories might come from a place of wisdom, they can also sound like comparisons or judgment.
By all means, share your experiences—but do it to connect, not to lecture. Say, “I remember going through something similar,” or “I get how hard that can feel.” It bridges the gap rather than widening it.
5) “You’ll never understand.”
This phrase shuts the door on communication faster than a slammed teenage bedroom door. It creates distance—the very thing emotionally intelligent parents try to reduce.
When you say, “You’ll never understand,” what your teen hears is, “Your perspective doesn’t matter.” They stop trying to relate. And later in life, they may hesitate to confide in you when it truly counts.
If you need space or time before talking, try saying, “This is complicated, and I want to explain it properly. Can we talk about it later?” It keeps the line of trust intact.
6) “You should be more like…”
Comparisons are poison to self-esteem. Whether it’s a sibling, a cousin, or the kid next door, telling a teenager to “be more like” someone else sends a message that who they are isn’t good enough.
I’ve seen this backfire time and again—sometimes in subtle ways. The “perfect” sibling becomes resented. The “model” friend becomes a source of envy. And the teenager internalizes the idea that love or approval must be earned by performance.
If your teen is struggling, help them see their unique strengths. Instead of saying, “You should be more like your sister,” try, “I’ve noticed you’re really thoughtful—how can we use that to help you do better here?” It shifts the focus from comparison to capability.
7) “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
This one’s a classic—and not always malicious. We often say it because explaining things can be hard. But to a teenager, it sounds condescending and dismissive.
Sure, there are things they won’t fully grasp yet. But explaining your reasoning, even in simple terms, helps them develop perspective. They might not agree with you, but they’ll appreciate being treated like someone capable of understanding.
For example, instead of, “You’ll get it one day,” try, “It’s tricky, but here’s what I’ve learned about this.” That’s how emotional intelligence passes from one generation to the next.
8) “Stop being so sensitive.”
Ah, this one takes me back. I heard it plenty growing up, and I probably said it a few times as a dad before realizing the damage it does.
Sensitivity isn’t a flaw—it’s awareness turned inward. Teenagers who are told to “toughen up” often build emotional walls just to protect themselves. Those walls might look like sarcasm, distance, or rebellion, but beneath them is a need for understanding.
Instead of telling them to toughen up, teach them how to navigate their emotions. Ask, “What’s making you feel that way?” or “What do you think might help right now?” That’s how emotionally intelligent parents build emotionally intelligent kids.
9) “You’re lucky you have it so easy.”
I understand the temptation behind this one. When you’ve worked hard for decades, it’s natural to feel a bit of frustration when your teen complains about Wi-Fi or homework. But when we say, “You’re lucky you have it so easy,” we unintentionally belittle their struggles.
Sure, their challenges look different—but they’re still real. Teenagers today face social media pressures, identity confusion, and constant performance comparison in ways we never did. Their lives aren’t necessarily harder or easier—just different.
Empathy goes a long way here. Try saying, “I know things feel tough right now. I may not fully get it, but I’m here to listen.” That single sentence tells them they don’t need to earn your understanding.
Final thoughts
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that words leave marks—sometimes far longer than we ever intend.
Emotionally intelligent parenting isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present. It’s pausing before you speak, checking your tone, and remembering that every exchange is a small lesson in how to treat others and themselves.
Teenagers don’t need flawless parents—they need ones willing to listen, apologize, and grow alongside them.
So maybe the better question isn’t, What should I say to my teen?
It’s, What do I want them to feel after I’ve said it?
