Ever catch yourself mid-argument with your partner, suddenly hearing your mother’s voice coming out of your mouth?
Last week, I was rushing Ellie through bedtime because we were running late, and I heard myself say “Stop being so dramatic, you’re fine!” The words hung in the air like a slap. My daughter’s face crumpled, and I immediately recognized that dismissive tone from my own childhood – the one that taught me to stuff down feelings instead of working through them.
Growing up in my small Midwest town, emotions were something you dealt with privately, if at all. My parents did their best with what they knew, but looking back, I can see how their own emotional intelligence gaps shaped my early parenting mistakes. Now, watching other parents navigate similar patterns, I’ve noticed clear signs that reveal when someone never fully developed emotional intelligence in their own childhood.
These aren’t character flaws or reasons for shame. They’re simply patterns we inherited, often without realizing it. But once we see them clearly, we can start breaking the cycle for our kids.
1. Dismissing “negative” emotions as inconvenient
You know that parent at the playground who immediately shushes their crying child with “You’re okay, you’re okay!” before the kid can even process what happened? That used to be me. When Milo would cry over something “minor,” my first instinct was to minimize it because his distress made me uncomfortable.
This reveals someone who learned early that certain feelings were unacceptable. Maybe they got sent to their room for crying or were told “big kids don’t get scared.” Now as adults, they panic when their children express these same emotions because nobody taught them how to sit with discomfort.
What helps? When your child melts down, try saying “You seem really upset about this” instead of rushing to fix or dismiss. It feels awkward at first if you never experienced this validation yourself, but it teaches kids their feelings matter.
2. Using guilt as a primary parenting tool
“After everything I do for you…” Sound familiar?
This was my mom’s go-to phrase, and I swore I’d never use it. Then one morning, exhausted after a sleepless night with a sick Milo, I heard myself telling Ellie how tired Mommy was when she asked me to play.
Parents who weaponize guilt often grew up in households where love felt conditional. They learned that disappointing others was the worst possible outcome, so now they unconsciously teach their kids the same suffocating lesson.
3. Inability to apologize to their children
My parents never apologized to us kids. Not once. So when I first started saying sorry to Ellie after losing my temper, it felt like swallowing glass. Some parents literally cannot form the words “I was wrong” to their children because they never heard it themselves.
Parents who can’t apologize are revealing they never learned that relationships can survive mistakes, that love can coexist with imperfection.
4. Extreme reactions to normal childhood behaviors
Why do some parents completely lose it over spilled milk or muddy shoes? Often because they grew up walking on eggshells themselves. Small mistakes triggered big explosions in their childhood homes, so now their nervous systems are primed for overreaction.
I used to catastrophize every mess until Matt gently pointed out that I was more upset about yogurt on the floor than the actual situation warranted. These overreactions reveal an adult who never felt safe making mistakes as a child.
5. Comparing siblings or using favorites
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?” Parents who constantly compare reveal they grew up believing love was scarce, something to be earned through competition.
Maybe they were the “good one” or the “problem child” in their family, but either way, they learned that children exist in hierarchy.
This damages both kids – the “favorite” grows up anxious about maintaining their position, while the other internalizes unworthiness. Healthy emotional development means seeing each child as whole and separate, not as competitors for affection.
6. Emotional dumping on children
Ever met a parent who tells their eight-year-old about money problems or marriage issues in detail? These parents often grew up as emotional caretakers for their own parents, never learning appropriate boundaries between adult problems and childhood.
They genuinely might not realize they’re burdening their kids because this feels normal to them. But children who become their parents’ therapists miss crucial developmental stages while managing adult-sized worries.
7. Dismissing or mocking interests and passions
When parents roll their eyes at their kid’s dinosaur obsession or mock their teenager’s music taste, they’re often replaying their own childhood experiences of having their interests dismissed as silly or worthless.
Parents who can’t celebrate their child’s passions reveal they never experienced that validation themselves.
8. Inability to set consistent boundaries
Some parents swing wildly between permissiveness and harsh control. One day everything’s fine, the next day the same behavior triggers punishment. This inconsistency often reveals someone who grew up with chaotic boundaries themselves, never learning what healthy limits look like.
Kids need predictability to feel safe. When parents can’t provide consistent boundaries, they’re showing they never internalized that security themselves.
9. Taking children’s emotions personally
“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” When parents interpret their child’s emotions as personal attacks or manipulations, they’re revealing their own emotional neglect. They learned early that expressing needs meant being “difficult” or “manipulative.”
Now when their child has big feelings, they feel attacked rather than seeing a small person who needs help regulating. This creates kids who learn to hide their emotions to keep their parents comfortable.
10. Avoiding all conflict or difficult conversations
Some families never discuss the hard stuff. Death, divorce, mental health struggles all get swept under the rug with “We don’t need to worry them about that.” But kids feel the tension anyway, they just learn not to ask about it.
Parents who avoid all difficult conversations often grew up in families where conflict meant danger or abandonment. They never learned that relationships can handle hard truths, that working through difficulty together actually strengthens bonds.
Final words
Breaking these patterns isn’t about perfection. Last night, I snapped at both kids during dinner prep, then took a breath and said, “I’m sorry for yelling. I’m feeling overwhelmed and I took it out on you. That wasn’t fair.” Ellie hugged my leg while Milo continued throwing pasta, and life went on.
The difference between us and our parents isn’t that we never mess up. It’s that we’re willing to see these patterns, name them, and slowly, imperfectly, choose differently. Every time we validate instead of dismiss, apologize instead of doubling down, or sit with discomfort instead of rushing to fix, we’re giving our kids the emotional intelligence we had to learn the hard way.
And honestly? They’re teaching us just as much as we’re teaching them. Their big feelings and endless questions push us to finally develop the emotional skills we missed the first time around. Together, we’re all growing up.
