I’ll admit something that took me years to figure out: the behaviors I thought would earn my kids’ respect were actually pushing them away.
Last week, while sorting through old photos with my five-year-old, she pointed to a picture of me as a child and said, “You look scared, Mama.” She was right. In that photo, I was standing stiffly next to my parents, trying to be the perfect daughter they expected. That moment hit me hard because I realized how much of my strict upbringing I was unconsciously bringing into my own parenting.
Growing up in a small Midwest town with traditional parents, respect meant immediate obedience. No questions asked. But here’s what I’ve learned through plenty of trial and error: real respect isn’t built through control or perfection. It grows from connection, trust, and letting our kids see us as actual humans.
If you’re wondering whether your kids will still want to call you when they’re thirty, or if they’ll visit out of obligation rather than genuine desire, it might be time to examine these seven behaviors that could be creating distance instead of closeness.
1. Demanding blind obedience without explanation
“Because I said so.” Those three words rolled off my tongue so easily when I first became a mom. It’s what I heard growing up, and it seemed efficient. Why waste time explaining when you could just get compliance?
But here’s the thing: kids aren’t looking for lengthy dissertations on every decision. They just want to understand the why behind our rules. When we take thirty seconds to explain our reasoning, we’re teaching them critical thinking, not just compliance.
The other day, my two-year-old wanted to climb on the kitchen counter. Instead of just saying “No, get down,” I explained that the counter is slippery and he could fall and get hurt. Did it take longer? Sure. But now he tells his stuffed animals the same thing when he plays house. He’s learning to think, not just obey.
2. Never admitting when you’re wrong
This one stings because I used to think admitting mistakes would undermine my authority. My parents never apologized to us kids, and somehow I absorbed the idea that parents should be infallible.
But you know what actually undermines respect? Pretending we’re perfect when our kids can clearly see we’re not.
Recently, I snapped at my daughter for spilling juice right after I’d mopped. Five minutes later, I knocked over my entire coffee mug. The look she gave me said everything. So I sat down with her and said, “I’m sorry I yelled about the juice. We both make spills sometimes, don’t we?” The relief on her face was immediate.
When we model accountability, we teach our kids that making mistakes is human, and making things right is what matters.
3. Using shame as a teaching tool
“What’s wrong with you?” “You’re acting like a baby.” “Your sister would never do that.”
Have you ever noticed how these phrases make kids shrink? I catch myself sometimes, especially when I’m tired, starting to use the same shaming language I heard as a child. But shame doesn’t teach better behavior; it teaches kids they’re fundamentally flawed.
Instead of “You’re so messy,” try “Let’s clean this up together.” Instead of comparing siblings, focus on the specific behavior that needs addressing. Our words become their inner voice, and I want my kids’ inner voices to be kind and encouraging, not critical and harsh.
4. Dismissing their feelings as invalid
Ever told your kid “You’re fine” when they’re clearly not? Or “That’s nothing to cry about” when they’re sobbing over a broken toy?
I used to think acknowledging big feelings about small problems would create drama queens. But dismissing feelings doesn’t make them disappear; it just teaches kids that we’re not safe people to share with.
When my daughter melts down because her tower of blocks fell over, I remind myself that to her, this is a real loss. “You worked so hard on that tower. It’s frustrating when things fall down” takes the same amount of time as “It’s just blocks, stop crying,” but one response builds connection while the other builds walls.
5. Being inconsistent with boundaries
Some days I’m strict about screen time. Other days, I’m exhausted and hand over the tablet without a second thought. Some mornings, jumping on the couch is forbidden. Other mornings, I’m too tired to care.
Kids can handle firm boundaries. They can handle flexible boundaries. What erodes respect is when boundaries depend entirely on our mood, leaving kids constantly guessing what’s okay.
I’ve started being honest about this: “Usually we don’t jump on the couch, but today we’re having a special jumping party!” Or “I know yesterday I let you have extra screen time because I wasn’t feeling well, but today we’re back to our regular rules.” Acknowledging the inconsistency actually helps maintain respect because kids see we’re being thoughtful, not arbitrary.
6. Prioritizing control over connection
Do you ever find yourself in power struggles over the silliest things? The blue cup versus the red cup? The order of getting dressed?
I used to think giving in on these small things meant I was losing authority. But constantly battling for control over every tiny decision exhausts everyone and teaches kids that our relationship is adversarial rather than collaborative.
Now I ask myself: Does this actually matter? If my son wants to wear his dinosaur shirt for the fifth day straight, is that really the hill I want to die on? Choosing our battles wisely shows kids we respect their autonomy in age-appropriate ways.
7. Refusing to engage with their interests
When my daughter wants to show me her fifteenth leaf collection of the day, everything in me wants to say “That’s nice, honey” while scrolling my phone. But kids notice when we’re not really present.
Taking five minutes to genuinely engage with what they love – asking questions about the leaves, noticing the different colors, sharing their excitement – builds connection. And connection is the foundation of respect.
You don’t have to love every single thing your kids love. But showing genuine interest in their world tells them they matter to you as individuals, not just as extensions of yourself.
Finding a better way forward
Changing these patterns isn’t easy. I’m processing daily how my strict upbringing affects my parenting choices, and practicing repair quickly when I lose patience (which happens more than I’d like to admit).
The truth is, our kids don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who are growing, learning, and brave enough to do things differently when the old ways aren’t working.
Respect isn’t built through fear or control. It’s built through millions of small moments where we choose connection over correction, understanding over judgment, and authenticity over authority.
Some days I nail it. Other days, I’m apologizing before bedtime and promising to try again tomorrow. But every time I choose relationship over rules, I see my kids open up a little more, trust a little deeper, and yes – respect me not because they have to, but because they want to.
And isn’t that the kind of respect we’re really after? The kind that lasts long after they’ve grown up and moved away, the kind that brings them back not from obligation, but from genuine love and connection.
