I’ll be honest with you: there was a time when I’d sit by the phone wondering why my sons didn’t call more often. Both in their thirties now with families of their own, they seemed to have drifted into their busy lives, leaving me feeling a bit forgotten.
It took some uncomfortable self-reflection (and a particularly eye-opening conversation with my younger son) to realize that maybe, just maybe, I was part of the problem. Not intentionally, of course. But certain behaviors I’d developed over the years were pushing them away rather than drawing them closer.
If you’re in a similar boat, wondering why your adult children seem to keep their distance, you might be displaying some of these behaviors without even realizing it. I know I was guilty of several.
1. Offering unsolicited advice constantly
This was my biggest wake-up call. My younger son finally told me that my constant advice felt like criticism. Every conversation became a lecture about what he should do differently with his job, his kids, his finances. I thought I was being helpful, sharing my years of wisdom.
But here’s what I didn’t understand: adult children need parents who listen, not parents who constantly tell them how to live their lives. They’ve already grown up. They don’t need us to parent them anymore; they need us to respect them as the adults they’ve become.
These days, I bite my tongue unless specifically asked for advice. And you know what? My sons actually talk to me more now. They share their challenges and victories without the fear of getting a sermon in return.
2. Making every conversation about yourself
Ever catch yourself hijacking your child’s story to share your own? They start telling you about their tough day at work, and suddenly you’re launching into that time you had an even worse boss back in 1987.
I used to do this constantly, thinking I was relating to them. But what I was actually doing was dismissing their experiences and making everything about me. No wonder they stopped sharing.
Now I practice active listening. I ask follow-up questions. I let them finish their stories without interrupting with my own. It’s amazing how much more they open up when they feel truly heard.
3. Guilt-tripping about not calling enough
“I guess you’re too busy for your old dad.” “Your brother manages to call every week.” “I won’t be around forever, you know.”
Sound familiar? I cringe now thinking about the guilt trips I used to lay on my sons. I thought I was expressing how much I missed them, but what they heard was manipulation and emotional blackmail.
Nobody wants to call someone who makes them feel guilty. It turns what should be a pleasant catch-up into an obligation, a chore to check off the list. Once I stopped the guilt trips, our conversations became more genuine and, ironically, more frequent.
4. Being judgmental about their choices
Whether it’s their parenting style, career choices, or how they spend their money, being judgmental is a surefire way to create distance. I learned this the hard way when I kept questioning my older son’s decision to change careers in his late twenties.
Your adult children don’t need your approval for every decision they make. They need your support and acceptance. Even if you don’t agree with their choices, keeping those judgments to yourself (unless they’re in actual danger) goes a long way toward maintaining a healthy relationship.
5. Not respecting their boundaries
Maybe they’ve asked you not to drop by unannounced, or they’ve set limits on how often they can visit. Respecting these boundaries, rather than taking them personally, shows that you respect them as adults.
I have different relationships with each of my sons. One calls weekly; the other prefers texting and checks in less frequently. For a while, I resented this difference, thinking the one who called less loved me less. But I’ve learned to accept both relationships on their own terms. They’re different people with different communication styles, and that’s okay.
6. Never apologizing for past mistakes
This might be the hardest one, but it’s also the most powerful. I discovered that apologizing to my adult children for specific things I got wrong opened doors that staying defensive had kept closed for years.
We all made mistakes as parents. Acknowledging them doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human. When I finally apologized to my sons for some of my parenting missteps, it transformed our relationship. It showed them I could grow and change, that I valued their feelings, and that our relationship was important enough for me to swallow my pride.
7. Comparing them to others
“Your cousin just bought a house.” “The Johnson’s daughter visits them every Sunday.” Comparisons are poison to adult relationships. They breed resentment and make your children feel like they’re never good enough.
Each of your children is on their own journey, with their own timeline and their own definitions of success. Celebrating who they are, rather than wishing they were more like someone else, creates an environment where they actually want to spend time with you.
8. Living in the past
Do you find yourself constantly bringing up childhood memories, unable to relate to who your children are now? While reminiscing can be nice occasionally, if every conversation revolves around when they were little, you’re not acknowledging the adults they’ve become.
Your children have grown and changed. Getting to know them as adults, showing interest in their current lives, dreams, and challenges, creates a bridge between past and present. Ask about their work projects, their friendships, their goals. Show them you’re interested in who they are now, not just who they were at age seven.
Closing thoughts
Changing these behaviors wasn’t easy, and I’m still working on some of them. But the payoff has been worth every uncomfortable moment of self-reflection. My relationships with both my sons are stronger now than they were five years ago.
If you recognize yourself in any of these behaviors, don’t beat yourself up about it. We’re all doing the best we can with what we know. The beautiful thing about relationships is that they can always improve, no matter how old we are or how much water has passed under the bridge.
So here’s my question for you: which of these behaviors might be creating distance in your relationship with your adult children? And more importantly, which one will you start working on today?
