Remember when your kid asks for something at the store and your automatic response is “we can’t afford that”? I used to say it all the time until I caught myself one day at the farmers market. Ellie had spotted some beautiful rainbow carrots, and before she even asked, I started to say those familiar words.
Then I stopped.
We actually could afford the carrots. It was just my default response, passed down from my own childhood where money was tight but we always had our garden and homemade meals filling the table.
That moment made me wonder: what am I really teaching my kids when I constantly say we can’t afford things?
When we repeatedly tell our children “we can’t afford that,” we’re doing more than managing expectations. We’re actually shaping their entire relationship with money, abundance, and possibility.
1. They develop a scarcity mindset that follows them into adulthood
Have you ever met someone who, no matter how much they earn, always feels broke? That might be the result of childhood programming. When kids constantly hear “we can’t afford it,” they internalize a belief that resources are always limited, that there’s never enough.
They might turn down opportunities, avoid taking calculated risks, or feel guilty when they do spend money on themselves.
Instead of defaulting to “we can’t afford it,” I’ve started saying things like “that’s not in our budget right now” or “we’re choosing to spend our money on other things.” Small shift, huge difference. It teaches prioritization rather than limitation.
2. They learn to associate wanting things with shame
Last week at a toy exchange, I watched a mom snap at her child for even looking at a toy. “Stop asking for things we can’t afford!” she said. The kid’s face fell, and I saw myself in that moment.
How many times had I made my kids feel bad for simply wanting something?
Children are naturally drawn to new things. It’s how they explore the world. When we constantly shut them down with “we can’t afford it,” they start to feel ashamed of their desires.
Now when my kids ask for something, I acknowledge the want first. “That does look fun!” or “I can see why you’d like that.” Then we talk about choices and priorities without making them feel bad for asking.
3. They miss out on learning financial literacy
Here’s what surprised me most: when we just say “we can’t afford it” and leave it there, we’re missing a golden teaching opportunity.
Kids don’t learn anything about money management from a simple no. They don’t understand budgets, saving, or making trade-offs.
Since changing my approach, I’ve started involving Ellie in age-appropriate money conversations. When she wanted a new art set, we looked at our family fun budget together. She could see we had $30 for the week, and the art set was $25. “If we get this, we won’t have money for ice cream after the park on Saturday,” I explained. She chose to wait and save up her allowance instead.
These conversations are building real financial skills she’ll need later.
4. They develop anxiety around money discussions
Do your kids’ shoulders tense when money comes up? Mine used to. Every time they’d ask for something, I’d see them brace for rejection. That’s when I realized I was creating anxiety around money talks.
Children who grow up in homes where money is discussed with stress and limitation might develop financial anxiety as adults. They might avoid looking at bank statements, feel physically uncomfortable discussing salaries, or panic about financial planning.
Creating a calmer dialogue around money has made such a difference in our house. We talk about our choices matter-of-factly. Yes, we choose to buy organic milk. That means we might buy fewer packaged snacks. It’s not about can’t; it’s about choosing.
5. They struggle with self-worth tied to financial status
When “we can’t afford it” becomes the soundtrack of childhood, kids often internalize this as “we’re not good enough to have nice things.” They might start comparing themselves to peers based on what they have or don’t have.
I noticed this with Ellie when she stopped inviting friends over because “our house isn’t as nice as theirs.” My heart broke. Our home is full of secondhand treasures, handmade decorations, and so much love. But she was measuring worth in dollar signs.
We had to actively work on separating financial status from personal value. We talk about what makes people special (hint: it’s not their stuff), and we celebrate what we do have rather than focusing on what we don’t.
6. They lose the ability to dream big
This one hit me hard. When children constantly hear about financial limitations, I think they start limiting their own dreams. Why bother wanting to be an astronaut if you’ll never afford space camp? Why dream of college if it’s “too expensive”?
As Dr. Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset reveals, children need to believe in possibility to develop resilience and ambition. When we constantly emphasize what we can’t afford, we might accidentally clip their wings before they learn to fly.
Now, when my kids dream big, I dream with them. “Wouldn’t it be amazing to visit Japan someday? Let’s start learning about it and make a savings plan!” It keeps possibility alive while teaching practical planning.
7. They miss the richness of non-monetary abundance
Perhaps the biggest loss is that kids might miss seeing all the abundance that already exists in their lives. When we focus on what we can’t afford, we overlook what we have in plenty: time together, creativity, nature, love.
Our family might budget carefully, but we’re rich in experiences. We have garden adventures, create art from nature treasures, and build the most elaborate blanket forts you’ve ever seen. When I shifted from “we can’t afford that toy” to “we have so many fun things to do at home,” everything changed.
Final thoughts
The truth is, kids don’t need all the things they ask for. But they do need to grow up feeling secure, capable, and hopeful about their futures.
They need to understand money as a tool, not a master. They need to know that wanting things is okay, that managing resources is a skill they can learn, and that their worth has nothing to do with what’s in the bank.
These days, “we can’t afford it” rarely crosses my lips. Instead, my kids are learning about choices, priorities, and the many forms of abundance in our lives.
Are we perfect? Not even close. But we’re raising kids who understand money without fearing it, who can dream big while being practical, and who know that the best things in life really aren’t things at all.
What matters most is breaking the cycle of scarcity thinking while still being responsible with resources. Our kids deserve to grow up believing in possibility, and that starts with the words we choose today.
