Confidence doesn’t just happen.
It’s not a gene or a lucky trait—it’s something built over time through everyday interactions, especially the things we hear from the people raising us.
When I think about what actually helps kids grow up with a steady, grounded kind of confidence, it’s not the pep talks or the trophies.
It’s the little sentences that parents say again and again, the ones that quietly rewire how we see ourselves.
Now that I’m a dad, I catch myself repeating the same phrases to my daughter, Elise, that my parents used to say to me—and I can see their power in real time.
These simple words shape how kids approach challenges, bounce back from mistakes, and believe in their own ability to handle life.
Here are seven phrases that do exactly that. If your parents said them often, chances are you carry a calm, capable kind of confidence into adulthood.
1) “I believe in you.”
Four words. One powerful message.
When a parent says, “I believe in you,” they’re handing a child trust. It tells them, I see your ability. I trust your effort.
Kids who grow up hearing this don’t freeze when things get hard—they lean in. They internalize the belief that they can figure things out, even if it takes time.
When Elise struggles to build a tall block tower, I’ll crouch beside her and say, “I believe in you—keep trying.”
Her shoulders straighten, her focus sharpens, and a minute later she’s grinning at a wobbly but standing masterpiece.
Belief, it turns out, is contagious. When parents show faith in their kids, kids learn to have faith in themselves.
2) “Let’s figure it out together.”
This one builds confidence through connection.
When parents treat challenges as shared puzzles instead of solo battles, kids learn that asking for help isn’t weakness—it’s collaboration.
I use this phrase a lot on my work-from-home days, when something inevitably falls apart during craft time or snack prep.
Instead of swooping in to fix the problem, I’ll say, “Let’s figure it out together. What should we try first?”
Psychologists call this scaffolding—guiding kids through problem-solving without taking over.
It shows them that persistence pays off and that teamwork doesn’t make them less capable. It makes them resilient.
When a child learns that solutions can come through cooperation, they grow up confident enough to seek support and more independent to contribute to it.
3) “You worked hard on that.”
This phrase builds something deeper than self-esteem—it builds self-efficacy.
When parents notice effort, not just results, they teach kids that progress is earned, not handed out. It shifts the focus from being good to getting better.
Psychologist Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset found that kids praised for effort rather than intelligence develop greater persistence and higher achievement over time (TED Talk: The Power of Believing You Can Improve).
So instead of saying, “You’re so smart,” try, “You worked really hard on that puzzle.” That subtle shift changes how children see failure—it becomes feedback, not a flaw.
At our house, this simple swap has transformed how Elise handles frustration. She doesn’t crumple at the first mistake. She pauses, adjusts, and keeps going.
And every time, that self-trust grows stronger.
4) “Your feelings make sense.”
Confidence isn’t about never feeling scared or sad—it’s about understanding those emotions and moving through them.
When parents validate feelings, they teach emotional literacy. They tell their kids, It’s okay to feel what you feel.
That’s the foundation for emotional confidence—the ability to handle discomfort without falling apart.
As child psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel has explained, “Name it to tame it.”
Labeling emotions helps integrate them into the brain’s rational processes (The Whole-Brain Child).
When kids can identify what’s happening inside them, they’re less overwhelmed by it.
With my son Julien, who’s only 14 months, this looks like simple narration: “You’re sad because the blueberries are gone. I know, that’s tough.”
He can’t understand the words yet, but the tone does the work. He feels seen, not scolded.
Kids who hear “Your feelings make sense” learn that emotions aren’t enemies—they’re signals.
That makes them calm under pressure and kind under stress.
5) “Mistakes are how we learn.”
If you heard this one growing up, you probably take failure in stride.
Parents who normalize mistakes raise kids who don’t fear trying. They don’t equate errors with embarrassment; they see them as part of the process.
In our house, we talk about mistakes almost like experiments. If Elise spills paint or forgets her lines in a song, we’ll say, “Okay, what did we learn?”
It keeps curiosity alive where shame might have settled in.
Research shows that this mindset builds what psychologists call resilience thinking—the ability to view setbacks as temporary and solvable.
Kids who internalize this grow into adults who innovate, adapt, and recover quickly. They don’t need perfection to feel capable—they just need another shot.
6) “What do you think?”
This one invites agency.
When parents genuinely ask for their child’s input—and actually listen—they send a quiet but powerful message: Your voice matters.
Confidence doesn’t come from being told what to do. It comes from being trusted to think for yourself.
We use this a lot in small, everyday moments. “What do you think we should pack for lunch?” or “What do you think is fair for screen time tonight?”
The point isn’t to let a four-year-old run the house—it’s to show her that her ideas carry weight.
Over time, this phrase builds decision-making skills, critical thinking, and respect.
And later in life, those same kids are the ones who speak up in meetings, advocate for themselves, and navigate conflict without losing composure.
Confidence grows where autonomy is nurtured.
7) “I love you, no matter what.”
This is the foundation that makes all the others work.
Kids can’t explore, fail, or speak up if they don’t feel safe. And unconditional love is safety, plain and simple.
When parents say, “I love you, no matter what,” they separate who you are from what you do.
That’s the emotional equivalent of handing your child a parachute before they leap into the world.
Attachment research over decades has shown that consistent, responsive care is linked to higher self-esteem and emotional stability later in life (as summarized by the American Psychological Association).
Kids who grow up knowing they’re loved without condition are free to take risks and recover from mistakes.
In our home, we try to make this a regular rhythm. After discipline, after celebration, after everything: “I love you, no matter what.” It’s not a tagline—it’s a baseline.
The bottom line
If you heard these phrases growing up, you were given something priceless—words that became a voice inside you.
They remind you that effort matters more than perfection, that emotions are safe, that collaboration isn’t weakness, and that love isn’t conditional.
And if you didn’t hear them, that’s okay. You can start now—with your kids, your partner, or even yourself.
Because confidence doesn’t begin in grand moments.
It begins in everyday words said with warmth, patience, and belief.
