Last week at the farmers’ market, I watched my two-year-old stumble and scrape his knee.
My first instinct? Rush over with “You’re okay! You’re fine!” But I caught myself. Instead, I sat down next to him and said, “That looked like it hurt.” His tears slowed as he showed me his tiny scrape, and within minutes, he was back to chasing pigeons.
That moment reminded me how often we rush to smooth over our kids’ experiences with well-meaning phrases that actually rob them of something important: the chance to build real resilience.
We all do it. Those automatic responses that roll off our tongues before we even think. But what if some of the things we say most often are actually making our children less capable of handling life’s bumps and bruises?
1. “You’re okay!”
How many times have you said this when your child falls, fails, or feels upset? I used to say it constantly, thinking I was being reassuring. But here’s the thing: when we immediately tell kids they’re okay, we’re essentially telling them their feelings aren’t valid.
Your child knows if they’re okay or not. When we override their experience with our assessment, we teach them to doubt their own internal compass. Instead, try acknowledging what happened: “That was a hard fall” or “You seem really disappointed.” This validates their experience while still being supportive.
My five-year-old taught me this lesson herself when she said, “Mommy, I’ll tell YOU when I’m okay.” Smart kid.
2. “Be careful!”
This one tumbles out of my mouth at least ten times a day. At the playground, in the garden, when they’re climbing the couch cushion mountains they’ve built. But constantly warning kids to be careful actually makes them less aware of real risks.
When we shout “be careful” at everything, kids either tune us out completely or become anxious about normal physical exploration.
Instead, I’m learning to be specific: “That branch looks wobbly” or “Check if your feet are steady.” This helps them develop their own risk assessment skills rather than depending on my constant warnings.
3. “Good job!”
Wait, what? How can praise be harmful? Well, when we throw around “good job” for everything from eating breakfast to putting on shoes, it loses meaning. Worse, kids start doing things for the praise rather than their own satisfaction.
Yesterday, my daughter spent an hour creating an elaborate leaf pattern in our yard. Instead of the automatic “good job,” I said, “You worked really hard organizing those by size. Tell me about your design.” Her face lit up as she explained her whole system. That conversation meant more to both of us than a hundred “good jobs” ever could.
Try describing what you see or asking questions about their process. It shows genuine interest and helps kids develop internal motivation.
4. “Don’t cry”
Whether it’s “don’t cry” or “you’re being too sensitive” or “it’s not that bad,” we often rush to shut down tears. Maybe it’s because their crying makes us uncomfortable, or we worry about raising “soft” kids. But tears are how children process big emotions.
When we tell kids not to cry, we’re basically saying certain emotions aren’t acceptable. This doesn’t make them stronger; it just teaches them to stuff feelings down until they explode later. I’ve started saying things like “I’m listening” or “Tell me more about what’s making you sad.” It’s amazing how quickly kids can move through emotions when they’re allowed to actually feel them.
5. “That’s not how you do it”
Ever watch your kid try to put on their shirt backward or pour milk in the most inefficient way possible? The urge to jump in and correct them is overwhelming. But when we constantly show them the “right” way, we steal their chance to problem-solve.
My two-year-old insists on putting his boots on the wrong feet half the time. Unless we’re in a real hurry, I let him. Eventually, he notices they feel funny and switches them himself. That little victory of figuring it out means more than getting it right the first time because I told him to.
6. “Let me do it for you”
This phrase is efficiency disguised as help. Yes, I can tie shoes faster, pour juice neater, and zip coats quicker. But every time I take over, I’m sending the message that my child isn’t capable.
Kids need to struggle with age-appropriate tasks. That’s how they develop competence and confidence. Now when my daughter asks for help, I ask, “What part are you stuck on?” Often, she just needs encouragement to keep trying, not someone to do it for her.
I recently watched an interesting video that really struck me with this quote: “Some lessons don’t arrive through understanding. They arrive through friction. When we explain too much, we don’t just give information. We take something away. We take away the chance to discover: ‘I can handle this.'”
That’s exactly what happens when we jump in too quickly. We take away the friction that builds strength.
7. “You’re so smart!”
This seems like positive reinforcement, right? But research shows that praising intelligence actually makes kids less likely to take on challenges. They become afraid of doing anything that might make them look “not smart.”
Instead of praising traits kids can’t control, focus on effort and process: “You kept trying different solutions until you figured it out” or “I noticed you took your time with that.”
This builds a growth mindset where kids understand that abilities develop through practice, not fixed traits.
8. “Because I said so”
Sometimes we’re tired. Sometimes we don’t have a good reason. But “because I said so” teaches kids that power, not logic, rules the world. It doesn’t help them understand boundaries or develop judgment.
Even a simple explanation helps: “We need to leave the park now so we have time to make dinner” or “That’s not safe because…”
Kids are more likely to cooperate when they understand the why behind rules, and it helps them internalize good decision-making for when you’re not around.
Building real resilience
Changing these speech patterns isn’t easy. These phrases are often what we heard growing up, and they pop out automatically when we’re stressed or rushed. But every small shift matters.
Real resilience doesn’t come from us constantly reassuring, fixing, or directing. It comes from kids discovering their own strength through experience. It comes from being allowed to feel the full range of emotions and learning they can handle them. It comes from trying, failing, and realizing that failure isn’t the end of the world.
Connection over perfection, right? We won’t get it right every time. I still catch myself saying “be careful” more than I’d like, and “good job” slips out when I’m distracted. But being aware of how our words shape our children’s inner voice is the first step.
Our kids are more capable than we think. Sometimes the best thing we can do is zip our lips, take a breath, and give them space to show us just how strong they already are.
