Growing up, Sunday dinners at my parents’ house were mandatory. Not in the warm, “we can’t wait to see each other” way, but in the “you better show up or Mom will guilt you for months” way. I remember sitting at that table in my twenties, watching the clock, making excuses to leave early.
Now? My own sons call me up asking if they can bring their families over for dinner. They text me funny memes during the workday. They actually seek out my company—not because they have to, but because they want to.
What changed between my generation and theirs? After thirty years in human resources helping people navigate workplace relationships, and watching my own journey as a father, I’ve noticed some clear patterns. The parents whose adult children genuinely enjoy their company all seem to have avoided certain pitfalls.
If your grown kids are choosing to spend time with you, congratulations—you probably sidestepped these common mistakes that push adult children away.
1. You didn’t treat them like eternal children
When my younger son bought his first house, every instinct in me wanted to tell him exactly how to negotiate, which inspector to use, what to look for.
Instead, I bit my tongue and waited. When he asked for specific advice, I gave it. When he didn’t, I kept quiet.
Too many parents can’t make this shift. They’re still telling their 35-year-old how to dress for work or criticizing their parenting choices at every turn. These adult children learn to share less and less because every conversation becomes a teaching moment they never asked for.
The parents who maintain close relationships with their grown kids are those who’ve learned to see them as actual adults. They offer opinions when asked, support without judgment, and recognize that their children’s choices, even the ones they disagree with, are theirs to make.
2. You learned to apologize for your mistakes
This one hit me hard a few years back. During a particularly honest conversation, my younger son told me that my constant advice during his twenties felt like criticism, like nothing he did was ever good enough.
My first instinct was to defend myself. I was just trying to help! But then I really listened. And I apologized, specifically and sincerely. Not “I’m sorry you felt that way,” but “I’m sorry I made you feel like you weren’t measuring up. That must have been exhausting.”
That apology opened a door I didn’t even know was closed. Suddenly, we could talk about real things again.
Parents who maintain strong relationships with adult children aren’t perfect. They’re just willing to admit when they weren’t. They can say “I was wrong about that” without their world falling apart.
3. You respected their boundaries
Remember when your kids were little and you had access to everything? Their friends, their schedules, their thoughts? Some parents never let go of that all-access pass.
I’ve watched friends lose relationships with their adult children because they couldn’t respect basic boundaries. Showing up unannounced. Demanding to know every detail of their lives. Getting offended when their kids need space.
As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, boundaries aren’t walls. They’re guidelines for healthy relationships.
The parents whose kids want to be around them understand this. They call before visiting. They don’t pry into finances or relationship issues unless invited. They understand that “I need some space” isn’t rejection, and it’s actually healthy.
4. You didn’t make their choices about you
When my older son decided to move across the country for a job opportunity, my wife and I were crushed. We’d imagined Sunday dinners with grandkids, being there for every milestone.
But here’s what we didn’t do: we didn’t make him feel guilty about it. We didn’t say “After everything we’ve done for you” or “How could you take our grandchildren so far away?”
Instead, we said we’d miss them but were excited for their adventure. And you know what? He calls more often than when he lived twenty minutes away. He makes an effort to visit because he wants to, not because he feels obligated.
Parents who keep their adult children close understand that their kids’ life choices—career moves, relationships, parenting styles—aren’t personal attacks. They’re just choices.
5. You evolved beyond being just “Mom” or “Dad”
For years, I was just “Dad,” the advice giver, the problem solver, the authority figure. But being a good father to adult children is completely different from being a good father to young ones.
Now, I share my own struggles and uncertainties. We talk about books, politics, work challenges—real conversations between equals. I’m still their dad, but I’m also a person they actually enjoy talking to.
The parents whose adult kids seek them out have made this transition. They’re interesting people beyond their role as parents. They have opinions, hobbies, and stories that don’t all revolve around their children.
6. You didn’t weaponize money or guilt
Working in HR, I saw this dynamic play out constantly in people trapped in toxic relationships with parents who used money or emotional manipulation as control mechanisms.
“After all I’ve sacrificed for you…”
“I guess I’ll just spend Christmas alone…”
“We paid for your education, the least you could do is…”
Sound familiar? These phrases might get compliance, but they poison relationships. Adult children learn to give their parents the minimum required interaction to avoid the guilt or keep the peace.
Parents who maintain genuine closeness with their kids don’t keep score. They don’t use past support as leverage for current control. Gifts are actually gifts, not contracts for future obedience.
7. You accepted their partner choices
This is where so many parent-child relationships go off the rails. You might not love who your child chose. Maybe they’re different from what you imagined. Maybe you genuinely think your child could “do better.”
But here’s the thing: it’s not your choice.
The parents whose kids want them around have figured this out. They make their child’s partner feel welcome. They don’t make snide comments or create loyalty tests where their child has to choose sides.
When you reject or constantly criticize your child’s partner, you’re essentially rejecting a core part of your child’s life. Why would they want to spend time with someone who makes them feel bad about one of their most important relationships?
8. You built a life beyond your children
The parents whose adult children genuinely enjoy their company have rich, full lives of their own. They’re not sitting by the phone waiting for calls. They’re not living vicariously through their children’s achievements.
They have friends, interests, and stories that have nothing to do with their kids. This takes the pressure off. Their children don’t feel responsible for being their entire social life or emotional support system.
When you have your own fulfilling life, time with your adult children becomes a joy to share, not an obligation to fulfill.
Closing thoughts
Looking back, the difference between my relationship with my parents and my sons’ relationship with me comes down to one thing: I learned to stop being the parent I thought they needed and became the parent they actually wanted in their lives.
It wasn’t easy. Letting go of control, admitting mistakes, treating them as equals…I have to admit it all went against my instincts. But the payoff was worth it. I now enjoy genuine friendship with two incredible adults who happen to be my sons.
So here’s my question for you: are you brave enough to evolve from the parent your children had to have into the one they choose to have?
