When my younger son turned thirty-two last month, he thanked me for something that caught me completely off guard. “Dad,” he said, “thanks for finally learning when to keep your opinions to yourself.”
Ouch, right? But also… he had a point.
See, for years after my sons became adults, I kept parenting them like they were still teenagers living under my roof. Every conversation became a teaching moment. Every choice they made was an opportunity for me to share my “wisdom.”
And you know what? It was pushing them away.
If you’re struggling to adjust to having adult children, you’re not alone. The transition from active parent to… well, whatever we’re supposed to be now… it’s trickier than any parenting book prepares you for. Trust me, I’ve made every mistake in the book, and probably invented a few new ones along the way.
Today, I want to share eight behaviors I’ve had to consciously stop doing with my two sons, both now in their thirties with families of their own. Consider this your roadmap to avoiding the pitfalls I stumbled into.
1. Offering unsolicited advice constantly
This was my biggest weakness. My younger son was looking at buying his first house, and I had opinions about everything.
The neighborhood, the mortgage terms, the inspection report. I thought I was being helpful, but one day he finally snapped: “Dad, your constant advice feels like criticism. Like you don’t trust me to make good decisions.”
That stung, but he was absolutely right.
Now I follow a simple rule: unless they specifically ask for my opinion, I keep it to myself.
And you know what’s funny? Since I stopped volunteering advice, my sons actually ask for it more often. Who would’ve thought that giving them space would bring them closer?
2. Trying to fix their problems
Remember when your kids were little and came to you crying about a scraped knee or a mean classmate? You could kiss the boo-boo or call the teacher, and everything would be better. Those days are long gone, friend.
When my older son was going through a rough patch at work a few years back, my instinct was to jump in with solutions. Network with my contacts! Update his resume! Consider a career change!
But adults don’t need us to fix their problems. They need us to listen, maybe offer support, but mostly just be there.
As psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good.”
3. Using guilt as a communication tool
“I guess I’ll just spend Christmas alone then.”
“Would it kill you to call your mother more often?”
“We never see the grandkids anymore.”
Sound familiar? Yeah, I’ve said variations of all these.
Guilt might get you a reluctant visit or phone call, but it also breeds resentment. Nobody wants to spend time with someone who makes them feel bad about their choices.
Instead of guilt-tripping them about not visiting enough, I started making our time together more enjoyable. No interrogations about their life choices, no passive-aggressive comments. Just genuine interest and good conversation. Visits became more frequent once they stopped feeling like obligations.
4. Treating their spouse like an outsider
This is delicate territory, but it needs addressing. How many times have you caught yourself saying something like “In our family, we do things differently” or making inside jokes that exclude their partner?
Both my sons have wonderful wives, but it took me too long to fully embrace them as family.
I’d sometimes act like my sons were just on loan to these women, instead of recognizing that they’d created their own family units.
Once I started treating my daughters-in-law as true daughters, not just appendages to my sons, everything shifted for the better.
5. Pushing your unfulfilled dreams onto them
Here’s where I really messed up. My older son has a mind for numbers, always did. So naturally, I pushed him toward accounting. Safe, stable, respectable. Made perfect sense on paper.
It took me years to accept I’d been wrong. He was miserable. When he finally switched careers to become a teacher, I watched him come alive in ways I’d never seen. The pay cut didn’t matter. The “prestige” didn’t matter. What mattered was that he was living his life, not mine.
Are you pushing your kids toward choices that reflect your values rather than theirs? It’s worth some honest self-reflection.
6. Making every conversation an interrogation
“How’s work? How’s the marriage? When are you having kids? Why aren’t you saving more? Have you thought about moving closer?”
I used to pepper my sons with questions the moment I saw them. I thought I was showing interest. They thought I was conducting a job interview.
Now I’ve learned to let conversations flow naturally. I share things about my life, ask open-ended questions, and actually listen to the answers without immediately following up with more questions or advice. Revolutionary concept, right?
7. Comparing them to others (or each other)
“Your brother already bought a house.”
“The Johnson’s son just got promoted.”
“When I was your age…”
Nothing shuts down adult children faster than comparisons. Each of my sons has taken a different path, and that’s exactly how it should be. They’re not in competition with each other, their peers, or the younger version of me.
If you’re a regular reader, you may remember I’ve written about the danger of comparisons before. Well, it applies double when it comes to adult children. They need to know you’re proud of them for who they are, not disappointed in who they aren’t.
8. Refusing to acknowledge they’ve changed
Do you still see your forty-year-old daughter as the shy kid who needed encouragement to speak up? Or your thirty-year-old son as the disorganized teenager who couldn’t keep track of his homework?
People change. My sons certainly have. But for too long, I kept relating to them based on who they were at sixteen, not who they’d become at thirty.
Once I started seeing them as the capable, evolved adults they are, our whole dynamic improved.
Closing thoughts
Learning to stop these behaviors hasn’t been easy. Old habits die hard, especially when they come from a place of love.
But here’s what I’ve discovered: the best thing you can give your adult children is the freedom to be adults.
My relationship with my sons is better now than it’s been in years. We talk more openly, laugh more freely, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. All because I learned to step back and let them step forward.
So let me ask you this: which of these behaviors do you recognize in yourself? And more importantly, which one will you work on letting go of first?
