What makes someone walk away from their parents completely?
It’s not a decision anyone makes lightly. Most people spend years trying to fix things, setting boundaries, hoping for change. They exhaust every possibility before finally accepting that no relationship is better than a toxic one.
I’ve been fascinated by this question, partly because I’ve had to navigate my own complicated relationship with my parents, and partly because I keep hearing the same story over and over from friends, readers, and parents in my community.
So I did something a bit unconventional. I reached out to people who’ve made this choice and asked them point-blank: why did you cut off your parents?
I talked to fifty people of various ages, backgrounds, and family structures. Some cut off one parent, others cut off both. Some haven’t spoken to their parents in decades, others made the decision within the last year.
And while every story was unique, certain themes emerged consistently. These eight reasons came up again and again, often in combination, creating patterns that were impossible to ignore.
1) Refusal to acknowledge or take accountability for harm
This was the most common reason by far.
Nearly every single person I spoke with described years of trying to talk about past hurt, only to be met with denial, defensiveness, or dismissal.
“I never said that.” “You’re remembering it wrong.” “You’re too sensitive.” “That’s not how it happened.” “I did my best.”
One woman told me she spent a decade trying to have a single conversation with her mother about emotional neglect in childhood. Not an apology, not even agreement. Just acknowledgment that her experience was real.
She never got it.
Another person described confronting his father about verbal abuse, only to have his dad respond with, “Well, you turned out fine, didn’t you?” As if survival was proof that the harm didn’t matter.
The pattern is consistent: when someone can’t or won’t acknowledge the impact of their behavior, repair becomes impossible. And without repair, the relationship stays frozen in dysfunction.
People don’t usually cut contact over the original wounds. They cut contact because those wounds are denied, minimized, or blamed on the person who was hurt.
2) Ongoing emotional or verbal abuse
Some people weren’t dealing with unresolved past issues. The abuse was current and continuous.
Constant criticism. Name-calling. Belittling. Mocking. Verbal attacks disguised as “just joking” or “tough love.”
One man described his mother’s pattern of calling him weekly to list everything wrong with his life: his career choices, his parenting, his marriage, his weight, his home. Every conversation left him feeling worthless.
A woman told me her father would rage at her over minor disagreements, screaming and swearing, then act like nothing happened the next day.
Several people mentioned parents who made cruel comments about their appearance, their intelligence, or their life choices, then claimed they were “just being honest” or “trying to help.”
What struck me most was how long these adult children had tolerated this behavior. Most had endured years of verbal abuse before finally deciding they didn’t have to anymore.
When abuse continues without change, cutting contact becomes an act of self-preservation.
3) Manipulation and guilt-tripping
Emotional manipulation showed up in almost every conversation I had.
Parents who weaponized guilt to control their adult children’s decisions. Who made everything about their own feelings and needs. Who positioned themselves as victims whenever boundaries were set.
Several people mentioned parents who would cry, claim health problems, or threaten to cut them out of the will as leverage to get what they wanted.
The manipulation was exhausting and relentless. Every interaction became transactional. Every boundary was met with punishment. Every attempt at autonomy was framed as betrayal.
Eventually, people realized that the only way to stop being manipulated was to remove access entirely.
4) Boundary violations despite repeated requests
This one came up constantly, especially among people with children.
They’d set clear, reasonable boundaries. Their parents would agree, then immediately violate those boundaries.
When confronted, they’d minimize, make excuses, or act like the boundary was unreasonable in the first place.
One mother told me she asked her parents repeatedly not to post photos of her children on social media. They agreed, then continued posting. When she removed access to the kids, they were shocked and hurt, acting like her boundary was cruel rather than acknowledging they’d broken trust.
Another person described asking his parents not to discuss his divorce with extended family. Within a week, everyone knew the details.
The message was clear: “Your boundaries don’t matter. What we want takes precedence.”
After years of this dynamic, people finally accepted that words weren’t going to create change. Distance would.
5) Refusal to respect the adult child’s autonomy
Many people described parents who couldn’t accept them as independent adults with their own lives, values, and choices.
These parents treated their adult children like extensions of themselves rather than separate people. They expected constant contact, input on major decisions, and the right to criticize any choice they disagreed with.
Career decisions, relationship choices, parenting styles, religious beliefs, political views, where to live, how to spend money, even what to eat. Everything was subject to commentary, criticism, and pressure to conform.
The underlying issue was the same: these parents couldn’t let go of control. They couldn’t accept that their children had grown into adults with the right to make their own choices, even choices the parents didn’t like.
6) Playing favorites or creating triangulation among siblings
Family dynamics get especially toxic when parents treat siblings differently or pit them against each other.
Golden children and scapegoats. Constant comparisons. Sharing one sibling’s private information with another. Creating competition for approval and affection.
One person described being the scapegoat her entire life while her brother could do no wrong. Every achievement was minimized, every mistake magnified. Meanwhile, her brother’s failures were excused and his mediocre accomplishments celebrated.
Another talked about his mother’s habit of talking badly about him to his sisters, then acting innocent when confronted, creating rifts that took years to repair.
This dynamic wasn’t just hurtful. It was crazymaking. It destroyed sibling relationships and made family gatherings minefields of tension and comparison.
Eventually, the only way to escape the toxicity was to step out of the system entirely.
7) Enabling or denying abuse from the other parent
This pattern appeared frequently: one parent was overtly abusive, and the other enabled, minimized, or denied it.
Adult children who grew up with an abusive father and a mother who looked the other way. Or a toxic mother and a father who made excuses for her behavior.
“That’s just how he is.” “She doesn’t mean it.” “You know she has a temper.” “He was under a lot of stress.” “You’re exaggerating.”
One woman told me her father was verbally and emotionally abusive throughout her childhood. Her mother never protected her, never intervened, never acknowledged what was happening.
When she finally confronted her mother as an adult, her mom said, “I thought you two were just clashing.”
Multiple people described feeling betrayed not just by the abusive parent, but by the enabling one who chose to protect the abuser rather than the child.
In many cases, people cut off both parents because the enabler’s denial was just as damaging as the abuser’s behavior.
8) Substance abuse or untreated mental illness
Several people described cutting contact because their parents’ addiction or mental health issues created unsafe or chaotic dynamics that never changed.
Alcoholic parents who refused treatment. Parents with untreated personality disorders who created constant drama. Parents whose mental illness manifested as rage, paranoia, or emotional instability.
The key factor wasn’t the condition itself. It was the refusal to acknowledge it or seek help.
One man told me his mother has untreated borderline personality disorder. For years, he tried to maintain a relationship, but the cycles of idealization and devaluation were destroying his mental health. She refused to consider therapy or medication.
Eventually, he had to choose his own wellbeing.
A woman described growing up with an alcoholic father who promised countless times to get sober but never followed through. As an adult, she realized she couldn’t keep watching him slowly kill himself while pretending everything was fine.
These situations are heartbreaking because there’s often genuine love underneath the dysfunction. But love alone can’t sustain a relationship when one person refuses to address the issues tearing it apart.
Final thoughts
Here’s what I learned from these fifty conversations: people who cut off their parents aren’t doing it to be cruel. They’re doing it to survive.
Most tried everything else first. Therapy, boundaries, honest conversations, reduced contact, family mediation.
They gave years of chances, held onto hope far longer than was healthy, and grieved the relationship long before they actually ended it.
The decision to cut contact isn’t about anger or punishment. For many people, cutting contact is about finally owning their story and choosing their own wellbeing.
I think about this sometimes when Ellie asks why we don’t see Grandma and Grandpa more often. I give her age-appropriate answers, but the truth is more complicated than I can explain to a five-year-old.
What I can do is model for her that boundaries matter, that our emotional wellbeing matters, and that we don’t owe anyone access to us just because we’re related by blood.
The people I talked to taught me something important: family isn’t defined by biology. It’s defined by respect, safety, and genuine care. And when those elements aren’t present, walking away isn’t failure.
Sometimes it’s the healthiest choice you can make.
