The relationship between parents and their adult children doesn’t just happen by accident. It’s built over years of interactions, decisions, and patterns that either strengthen connection or create distance.
And here’s something most parenting advice won’t tell you: you can do everything with good intentions and still damage the relationship in ways that only become clear years later.
I think about this more than I’d like to admit. Not because I’m trying to be perfect, but because I’ve seen what happens when certain parenting patterns go unchecked.
I’ve watched friends navigate strained relationships with their own parents, and I’ve caught myself repeating things I swore I’d never say.
The truth is, some parenting behaviors seem harmless in the moment but leave lasting marks. They’re not always dramatic or obviously harmful. Sometimes they’re just patterns we fall into without realizing the long-term cost.
So let’s talk about eight specific things that can create resentment down the road. Not to shame anyone, but to shine a light on patterns worth examining now, while there’s still time to shift course.
1) Dismissing their emotions as overreactions
When a child comes to you upset about something that seems small from an adult perspective, it’s tempting to minimize it. “You’re fine.” “It’s not a big deal.” “Stop being so dramatic.”
But here’s what that actually communicates: your feelings don’t matter, and you can’t trust your own emotional responses.
I learned this the hard way one afternoon when Ellie came inside crying because her leaf collection got scattered by the wind. My first instinct was to say something like “we can just gather more leaves,” but I caught myself. Those leaves mattered to her in that moment, and rushing past her disappointment would have taught her that sadness over small losses isn’t valid.
Children who grow up having their emotions dismissed often become adults who either shut down emotionally or feel guilty for having feelings at all. They learn to second-guess their instincts and struggle to advocate for themselves.
The alternative? Acknowledge what they’re feeling before moving to solutions. “I can see you’re really upset about this” goes a long way, even if the problem itself seems trivial to you.
2) Making everything about your own needs and convenience
Look, I get it. Parenting is exhausting, and sometimes you just need things to go smoothly so you can get through the day.
But when every decision centers on what’s easiest for you rather than what’s best for your child, they notice. And they remember.
This shows up in small ways that accumulate over time. Consistently cutting short their stories because you’re busy. Choosing activities based solely on your preferences. Making them feel like their needs are inconvenient burdens rather than normal parts of childhood.
Kids need to know they matter, not just in theory but in practice. They need to see that their thoughts, preferences, and experiences hold weight in the family dynamic.
Does this mean sacrificing everything for your children? Absolutely not. But it does mean regularly checking whether you’re making space for them to be seen and heard, or whether family life revolves entirely around adult convenience.
3) Using guilt as your primary parenting tool
“After everything I’ve done for you.” “I sacrificed so much.” “You’re making me look bad.”
Guilt-based parenting might get short-term compliance, but it builds long-term resentment like nothing else.
When you regularly remind children of your sacrifices or make them feel responsible for your happiness, you’re teaching them that love comes with strings attached.
They learn that relationships are transactional, and they’ll spend their adult years either trying to pay an impossible debt or running from anything that feels like obligation.
Children don’t ask to be born. The sacrifices we make are part of choosing parenthood, not debts they need to repay. When we frame our parenting as martyrdom, we poison the relationship at its source.
4) Refusing to apologize or admit when you’re wrong
Here’s a hard truth: you will mess up as a parent. You’ll lose your patience. You’ll say things you don’t mean. You’ll make decisions that turn out to be mistakes.
The question isn’t whether you’ll fail. It’s whether you’ll own it when you do.
Parents who can’t apologize teach their children that admitting fault is weakness, that authority means never being wrong, and that relationships don’t require repair.
These kids grow into adults who either become defensive and unable to take responsibility, or who absorb blame for everything because that’s what they learned to do.
I practice repair quickly in our house, even for small moments. If I snap at Milo because I’m stressed about a deadline, I come back later and say “I’m sorry I used that tone. I was frustrated about my work, but that wasn’t fair to you.”
It feels vulnerable every time. But it’s teaching both kids that mistakes don’t define relationships, and that the people who love you will own their part and make things right.
5) Comparing them to siblings or other children
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?” “Your cousin never acts like this.” “When I was your age, I would never have…”
Comparison is one of those parenting habits that feels harmless but cuts deep. Every time you hold up another child as the standard your kid should meet, you’re sending the message that who they are isn’t quite good enough.
Children who grow up being compared often spend their adult lives either chasing approval they’ll never quite reach or completely rejecting the people who made them feel inadequate in the first place.
Each child is their own person with unique strengths, challenges, and temperament. When we constantly measure them against others, we miss who they actually are in favor of who we wish they’d be.
The resentment this creates doesn’t always show up immediately. Sometimes it takes years of distance before adult children can articulate why they don’t feel comfortable around their parents. But underneath is often this core wound: I was never enough as myself.
6) Invading their privacy and personal boundaries
Reading their diary. Going through their phone without cause. Sharing their personal information with others without permission. Refusing to knock before entering their room.
These might seem like reasonable parenting moves, especially when framed as safety or guidance. But they communicate something damaging: you don’t have a right to privacy, your boundaries don’t matter, and your trust is conditional.
There’s a difference between appropriate monitoring and invasion. Kids need to know that certain spaces, thoughts, and relationships are theirs alone, and that you respect their growing autonomy even as you maintain reasonable guardrails.
Adults who grew up without privacy often struggle with boundaries in all their relationships. They either become overly secretive and closed off, or they don’t know how to maintain appropriate boundaries because they never learned what healthy ones look like.
7) Making them responsible for your emotional well-being
When children become their parent’s therapist, confidant, or emotional support system, something fundamental shifts in the relationship. They stop being kids and become caretakers, and that role reversal leaves lasting damage.
This looks like sharing adult problems with young children who can’t process them. Leaning on your kid for emotional support when you’re going through a divorce. Making them feel responsible for keeping you happy or preventing your anger.
I’m careful about this line because I do believe in being real with my kids. They see me have hard days. They know adults feel sad and frustrated sometimes. But there’s a difference between age-appropriate honesty and emotional dependency.
Children need to know their parents are the safe, stable ones. When that gets flipped, kids grow up believing they’re responsible for managing everyone else’s feelings, and they’ll carry that burden into every relationship they have.
8) Prioritizing appearance over authenticity
“What will people think?” “Don’t embarrass me in front of the neighbors.” “We don’t talk about that outside the family.”
When maintaining image matters more than truth, children learn that appearance is more important than reality, and that honesty is only acceptable when it makes you look good.
This creates adults who either become obsessed with image management themselves or who reject anything that feels performative.
Either way, the relationship with parents becomes strained because it’s built on pretense rather than genuine connection.
Kids need to know they’re loved for who they actually are, not for the version of themselves that’s easiest to present to the world. They need families where authenticity matters more than appearance, and where being real is valued over looking perfect.
Conclusion
The relationship you have with your adult children is being shaped right now, in these everyday moments that feel insignificant but add up over time. Every dismissal, every comparison, every boundary crossed leaves an impression.
But here’s the good part: awareness creates opportunity for change. Noticing these patterns means you can choose differently. You can practice repair when you mess up. You can adjust course before the damage becomes irreparable.
Your kids don’t need you to be perfect. They need you to be present, to respect them as whole people, and to prioritize connection over control. They need to know their feelings matter, their boundaries will be honored, and your love isn’t contingent on them meeting some impossible standard.
That’s not easy work. But it’s the work that builds relationships that last, and that’s worth every bit of effort it takes.
