There’s this thing I’ve been noticing lately, a pattern among people who seem genuinely grounded, who don’t spiral when life gets messy, who stay soft but somehow also unshakeable.
It’s not that they have it all figured out. Most days they look as tired as the rest of us. But there’s something steady underneath. And after years of watching this unfold, in the parents at the farmers’ market, the friends I meet for coffee, even in myself on better days, I think I’ve cracked the code.
It’s not what they do that makes them mentally strong. It’s what they’ve stopped doing.
The habits they’ve quietly let go of. The impulses they’ve learned to pause. The reactions they no longer feed.
If you can go a full day without slipping into these eight patterns, psychology says you’re building a kind of mental strength most people never reach, not because they can’t, but because they don’t realize these small, invisible choices matter this much.
1) Reacting immediately to everything
You know that feeling when someone says something that rubs you the wrong way and your mouth opens before your brain catches up?
I used to do that constantly. A comment from my mom about my choices, a passive-aggressive text from a friend, even a seemingly innocent question from a stranger at the grocery store. I’d fire back instantly, defensive or snappy or just louder than the moment called for.
But I’ve been learning something lately: the strongest people I know don’t do that. They pause. Not forever, just long enough to let the first wave pass.
As psychology research points out, mental strength requires emotion regulation.
It’s not about suppressing what you feel. It’s about giving yourself enough space to choose the version of you that responds, instead of letting the most overwhelmed part of you take over.
When I started practicing this, it felt almost awkward. Silence can feel like weakness when you’re used to defending yourself at the slightest hint of judgment or misunderstanding. But the more I sat with that tiny pause, the more power I found in it.
2) Catastrophizing small problems
Last month, I accidentally deleted a draft I’d been working on for hours. No backup, just gone.
My first thought? I’m terrible at this. I’ll never get organized enough to do this professionally. I should just quit writing!
Sound familiar?
The spiral starts small but picks up speed fast. One mistake becomes proof you’re failing. One rough morning means you’re not cut out for this life. One hard day stretches into “everything is always hard.”
This is a form of what psychologists call “cognitive distortion,” where we see challenges as ever-present, broad-reaching, and personal. It wears us down faster than the actual problem ever could.
Mentally strong people do something different. They zoom out. They remind themselves that challenges come and go, that this moment isn’t the whole story.
When you stop turning molehills into mountains, you save so much energy for things that actually matter.
3) Seeking validation from everyone around you
I spent years quietly hoping other people would notice the things I was doing right. That someone would see me trying something new and say “wow, you’re doing great.” That a friend would validate my choices without me having to ask.
But here’s what I’ve figured out: people who are truly solid don’t need constant applause. It takes a certain kind of strength to move through the world without needing people’s praise and validation.
They know their own values. They trust their own judgment. And when they do something, whether it’s choosing a different path or changing their lifestyle, they don’t look around the room waiting for approval.
This doesn’t mean they’re arrogant or dismissive of feedback. They’re just not handing their self-worth to everyone who walks by.
I still catch myself doing it sometimes, especially on social media when I post something vulnerable and then refresh notifications like a nervous habit. But the days when I can go without needing someone else to tell me I’m doing okay? Those are the days I feel most like myself.
4) Avoiding discomfort at all costs
Growth lives right at the edge of what feels manageable. Not in the safe center, not in total chaos, but in that slightly uncomfortable middle ground where you’re not quite sure if you can do it.
Mentally strong people know this. So they don’t run from discomfort the way the rest of us do.
They book the solo trip even though it’s scary. They initiate the hard conversation. They try the new thing that might not work out.
Susan David, a psychologist whose work I deeply admire, puts it plainly: “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.”
I felt this recently when I started teaching those art classes at the community center. Standing in front of strangers, worried I’d forget what to say or that no one would show up. My stomach was tight for days beforehand.
But I did it anyway. And now, a few months in, it feels less terrifying. Not easy, just less impossible.
That’s the thing about discomfort, it shrinks when you face it. And every time you do, you’re building capacity for the next thing.
5) Dwelling on things outside your control
My mother used to worry about everything. The weather during our summer vacation. Whether my brother’s boss liked him. What the neighbors thought about our lawn.
I inherited some of that. For years I’d lie awake stressing about things I had zero power over, whether someone would accept my pitch, if a friendship was changing, what acquaintances thought about my lifestyle choices.
It’s exhausting. And more importantly, it’s useless.
The Stoics talked about this centuries ago, and modern psychology backs it up. People with an internal locus of control, those who focus on what they can influence, tend to be more confident and resilient.
These days I try to catch myself mid-spiral and ask: can I do anything about this right now? If the answer is no, I redirect. Not perfectly, not every time, but more often than I used to.
6) Comparing your behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel
I used to scroll through Instagram and feel like I was failing at life. All these people with perfect homes and curated aesthetics and lives that looked effortlessly beautiful.
Meanwhile, I’m over here with dishes in the sink and a constantly messy kitchen table.
But here’s the truth I keep having to remind myself: nobody posts the messy parts. Nobody shares the self-doubt that happened five minutes before the smiling photo. Nobody shows the rejected pitch or the day they stayed in pajamas until noon.
When you compare your real life to someone else’s curated version, you’re setting yourself up to feel inadequate no matter how well you’re actually doing.
Mentally strong people understand this. They stay in their own lane. They know their journey doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s.
7) Ignoring your body’s signals
There was a stretch last year when I kept pushing through exhaustion. Staying up late to finish writing projects, waking early to get work done, skipping lunch because there wasn’t time.
I thought I was being productive. Turns out I was just burning out.
Our bodies are constantly sending us information, hunger, fatigue, tension, restlessness. Mentally strong people actually listen. They rest when they’re tired. They eat when they’re hungry. They move when they’ve been sitting too long.
It sounds simple but it’s radical in a culture that glorifies pushing through.
I’ve started paying attention to the tightness in my shoulders when I’m stressed, the way my patience thins when I haven’t eaten, the fog that settles in my brain when I’m running on too little sleep. And instead of ignoring those signals, I’m learning to respond.
Sometimes that means lying down in the afternoon instead of pushing through another task. Sometimes it means asking for help so I can go for a walk.
Your body isn’t trying to sabotage you. It’s trying to keep you functional. The strongest people know this and work with it instead of against it.
8) Suppressing emotions instead of feeling them
I grew up hearing phrases like “don’t make a fuss” and “stop being so sensitive.” So I learned to swallow feelings. To smile when I was frustrated. To act fine when I wasn’t.
It took me years to unlearn that.
The truth is, emotions aren’t optional. They show up whether we acknowledge them or not.
And when we shove them down, they don’t disappear, they just leak out sideways. Into snapping at people you love. Into unexplained headaches. Into nights when you can’t sleep because your chest feels tight for no reason you can name.
People with real mental strength don’t do that. They let themselves feel things, even the uncomfortable ones.
Sadness. Disappointment. Frustration. Grief. They name it, they sit with it, they let it move through.
I’ve been reading Rudá Iandê’s new book “Laughing in the Face of Chaos: A Politically Incorrect Shamanic Guide for Modern Life”, and one idea that’s stuck with me is this:
“Our emotions are not some kind of extraneous or unnecessary appendage to our lives, but rather an integral part of who we are and how we make sense of the world around us.”
That perspective shifted something for me. Emotions aren’t problems to solve. They’re information. They’re part of being human.
Turns out, emotions pass faster when you stop fighting them. And on the other side, there’s always a little more clarity.
Conclusion
I’m not going to pretend I’ve mastered all of this. Some days I react too quickly. Some days I catastrophize. Some days I scroll social media and feel small.
But I’m learning. Slowly. Imperfectly.
And here’s what I know for sure: mental strength isn’t about being unbreakable. It’s about bending without shattering. It’s about noticing the patterns that drain you and choosing something different, one small moment at a time.
You don’t have to do all eight of these perfectly. You don’t have to do them all at once. Just pick one. Try it today. See what shifts.
Because the truth is, you’re probably already stronger than you think. You’re still here and still trying. You’re still showing up for yourself and the people you love, even when it’s hard.
