Before I met my husband, Lukas, I spent a good stretch of my twenties in the corporate grind—long hours, back-to-back meetings, and evenings spent scrolling dating apps because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.
More often than not, I found myself with men who looked good on paper but fell short where it mattered.
It took me a while to realize I was rushing to fill a space rather than waiting for someone who truly fit into my life.
If you’re single right now, I want to encourage you: don’t settle for half-effort or “he might change.”
A great partner doesn’t just make your heart flutter—they make the messy, everyday parts of life smoother and more joyful. And yes, you can spot the signs before you’re knee-deep in shared leases or parenting decisions.
Here are seven traits that are worth holding out for.
1. Emotional availability
When I was younger, I dated someone who seemed perfect on the surface—ambitious, charming, the kind of guy who lit up a room.
But every time I tried to share something vulnerable, he’d change the subject or crack a joke. Over time, I felt lonelier with him than I did when I was actually alone.
Emotional availability means a partner is present with you—not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. They listen without immediately trying to fix things. They don’t avoid hard conversations because they’re uncomfortable.
Psychology Today points out that couples with open emotional communication experience stronger bonds and longer-lasting satisfaction. That makes sense, because feeling heard is at the core of feeling loved.
When Lukas and I were dating, what struck me wasn’t a big romantic gesture but a quiet one.
I came home from a draining day and told him I felt overwhelmed. He didn’t dismiss it. He made tea, sat next to me, and simply asked, “Do you want to talk or do you just want me here?” That kind of response tells you you’re with someone who can hold space for you.
If you’re with someone who always deflects or closes off emotionally, it’s a sign to pause. A great partner has the capacity to sit with you in your feelings, even when it’s messy.
2. Respect for boundaries
Every relationship has unspoken agreements, but the best ones thrive on boundaries that are clear and honored.
Before Lukas, I dated a man who constantly “pushed” me to stay out late even when I had early meetings, or who’d scroll through my phone without asking. At the time, I brushed it off as quirks. Now, I see how dismissive it was of my needs.
Respecting boundaries is really about respect for the person themselves. Whether it’s personal space, time with friends, or even small rituals like needing quiet coffee in the morning, a good partner acknowledges those things without making you feel guilty.
When someone consistently pushes past your boundaries, it’s not compromise—it’s erasure. Stay single until you meet the person who respects your lines and even helps you hold them.
3. Consistency
There’s something quietly powerful about knowing where you stand. It’s exhausting to be with someone who blows hot and cold—planning weekends together one week, disappearing into “busy” silence the next.
Consistency doesn’t mean grand gestures every day. It simply means following through on promises, texting when they said they would, and showing up the same way on Tuesday as they did on Friday.
When Lukas and I were still long-distance for a few months, his consistency was what built my confidence. He never left me wondering whether I mattered.
Even when work was crazy, he made space for a quick call or a message just to say, “Thinking of you.” It sounds small, but it made all the difference.
If someone leaves you guessing, you end up living in a cycle of hope and disappointment. A steady partner brings you peace instead of confusion.
4. Kindness in the small moments
I used to think kindness meant big gestures—flowers, dinners, handwritten notes. And while those are lovely, what I’ve learned is that true kindness shows up in the small, unnoticed actions.
Holding the door when your hands are full. Pouring you coffee the way you like it. Checking if you made it home safely after a late night.
These are the kinds of things a great partner does quietly, often without even being asked. Grand gestures can be staged; daily kindness can’t be faked for long.
Pay attention to how someone treats you when no one’s watching. That’s where you’ll see their true character, and whether kindness is second nature or just a performance.
5. Growth mindset
One of the quickest ways I realized someone wasn’t a fit was when they’d shrug off challenges with, “That’s just the way I am.”
It felt like a brick wall—no curiosity, no interest in change. Contrast that with someone who says, “I didn’t handle that well, but I want to do better.” The difference is night and day.
A growth mindset in a relationship means both people are open to learning—about themselves, about each other, and about how to navigate life together. It means mistakes aren’t dead ends, but opportunities to recalibrate.
Lukas and I have had our share of tense conversations, especially around parenting once kids came into the picture.
What I’ve always appreciated is his willingness to pause, reflect, and ask, “Okay, what’s a better way we can do this?” That willingness to adjust makes the relationship feel like a team effort rather than a competition.
Waiting for someone with this trait is worth it. You’ll never feel like you’re dragging someone forward—you’ll feel like you’re walking side by side.
6. Shared values
Values aren’t always obvious in the beginning. Early on, it’s easy to get swept up in chemistry or common hobbies.
But eventually, what sustains a partnership is alignment in the big-picture things—honesty, family, ambition, spirituality, or whatever matters most to you.
I learned this the hard way in my twenties. I dated someone who adored travel and good food—two things I loved, too. But when conversations turned to marriage, kids, and what kind of life we envisioned, it was clear we were on different pages.
He wanted a globe-trotting, child-free life; I wanted stability and eventually a family. No amount of shared playlists or weekends away could bridge that gap.
With my husband, the alignment was there from the start. We both wanted a home that felt like a hub for people we loved. We both valued routines that made life less chaotic.
And while our interests differ, the core things matched. That’s what’s carried us through the stress of moves, babies, and busy seasons.
Values don’t have to match perfectly, but they need to rhyme. Otherwise, you end up constantly negotiating who gets to live their truth.
7. Humor and joy
Life will throw curveballs no matter how well you plan. Having a partner who can bring humor into tough situations is a gift that keeps you steady. Not every moment has to be serious, and sometimes the ability to laugh together is what gets you through the hardest seasons.
Humor turns everyday stressors into inside jokes, creating connection instead of conflict. As the Association for Psychological Science puts it, “Couples who laugh together, stay together.”
Think about the difference between a partner who reacts to a travel delay with anger versus one who cracks a joke about making the airport their new second home.
One response heightens stress, the other relieves it. Joy doesn’t mean ignoring challenges—it means creating little pockets of lightness in the middle of them.
A partner who brings humor and joy isn’t trying to be a comedian; they’re reminding you that life is more than its problems. That perspective is a kind of wisdom in itself, and it makes the relationship feel not just durable, but alive.
Conclusion
Staying single isn’t a punishment. It’s a chance to hold space for the kind of partner who doesn’t just fit your life, but elevates it.
I look back at my years of dating when I was younger and I realize how much energy I wasted on people who weren’t willing or able to offer these traits. Once I stopped rushing to fill the gap and started paying attention to what actually mattered, everything shifted.
So if you’re still waiting, don’t see it as wasted time. See it as creating room. Because when the right partner comes along, the traits you held out for will make every moment feel worth the wait.
