You know that feeling when you spot them at the playground? The group of moms who seem to have it all together, matching athleisure wear, perfectly timed coffee dates, and kids who all play on the same soccer team.
Last spring, I watched a group like this from across the park while Ellie collected dandelions and Milo attempted to eat sand. They were laughing, planning weekend trips, and I thought, “That’s it. That’s the village everyone talks about.”
So I tried. I really tried. I brought homemade muffins to the next park day (organic, naturally sweetened, because that’s my thing). I complimented their kids. I laughed at their jokes.
But something felt off, like wearing shoes that look perfect but give you blisters. It took me months to realize what I was dealing with wasn’t a support system but a carefully curated clique with a side of judgment.
If you’re eyeing a mom group and wondering whether you’ve found your people or stumbled into a remake of high school, here are the red flags I wish I’d noticed sooner.
1) They bond over gossiping about other moms
Ever notice how some groups seem to thrive on talking about who’s not there? “Did you see what she fed her kids at the picnic?” or “I can’t believe she lets them have that much screen time.”
At first, you might nervously laugh along, grateful to be included in the inner circle. But here’s what I learned: if they’re talking about her when she’s not there, they’re definitely talking about you when you’re not there.
Real friendship builds on shared experiences and genuine connection, not tearing down the mom who couldn’t make it to story time because her toddler had a meltdown in the parking lot. When I transitioned from teaching to freelance writing, I lost some friendships, but the ones that remained? They never needed to put others down to feel connected.
2) There’s an unspoken dress code and lifestyle standard
Listen, I love yoga pants as much as the next mom.
They’re basically my uniform at this point. But when you start feeling like you need to upgrade your entire wardrobe just to fit in at Tuesday playgroup, something’s wrong. These groups often have an unspoken uniform: the right brands, the right stroller, the right snack containers.
I once showed up with Milo in his hand-me-down carrier and snacks in repurposed jam jars while everyone else had coordinating gear that probably cost more than my monthly grocery budget. The looks weren’t cruel exactly, more like polite confusion, as if I’d shown up to a dinner party in my gardening clothes. Which, to be fair, I basically had.
The thing is, real mom friends celebrate your thrifted finds and share their own money-saving hacks. They don’t make you feel less than because your diaper bag came from a consignment shop.
3) They police each other’s parenting choices
“Oh, you’re still co-sleeping? Brave of you!” or “We only do organic, but I guess regular milk is fine for some families.”
These little digs disguised as concern or superiority are exhausting. I’ve had moms question everything from my decision to cloth diaper (apparently it’s “so much work”) to letting Ellie climb trees (“aren’t you worried she’ll fall?”).
Here’s what healthy mom friendships look like: curiosity without judgment. Questions like “How’s cloth diapering working for you?” instead of “Why would you put yourself through that?” Support looks like sharing what works for your family while understanding it might not work for theirs.
4) New members go through an unofficial hazing period
Remember when you first tried to join? Did they immediately welcome you, or did you spend weeks feeling like you were auditioning? Mean girl mom groups often have an initiation period where you’re kept at arm’s length, invited to some things but not others, included in group texts but not the “real” group text.
I spent three months thinking I was slowly being accepted, only to discover there were weekend gatherings I was never told about. When I mentioned feeling left out, I got a chorus of “Oh, we didn’t think you’d be interested” and “It was so last minute!” But Instagram stories told a different story of planned potlucks and coordinated activities.
Genuine mom friends don’t make you earn your place through some invisible loyalty test. They’re excited to expand their circle and make efforts to include newcomers because they remember what it felt like to need connection.
5) They have a queen bee who controls the group dynamics
Every mean girl group has one: the mom who decides where everyone meets, whose kids get invited to what, and whose opinions become group gospel.
She might be the one with the biggest house, the most availability, or just the strongest personality. But watch what happens when someone disagrees with her suggestions or can’t make her proposed schedule work.
I watched this play out when one mom suggested we rotate hosting duties instead of always meeting at the same house. The queen bee’s smile got tight, she made a joke that wasn’t really a joke about some people being “too ambitious,” and suddenly that mom’s texts went unanswered for weeks.
6) Leaving feels impossible without social consequences
Perhaps the biggest sign? The fear of what happens if you step back. Will your kids suddenly not be invited to birthdays? Will you be the subject of the next playground gossip session? Will they be friendly but distant when you run into them at the farmer’s market?
When I finally decided to distance myself from one particularly draining group, I felt like I was breaking up with a boyfriend who knew all my friends. The anxiety was real. And yes, there were consequences. Suddenly Ellie wasn’t invited to certain playdates, and I’d see groups of them at the park, clearly having planned to meet without including us.
But you know what? The relief was worth it. The energy I’d been spending trying to fit into their mold went back into finding moms who actually got me, who understood why I chose the parenting path I did, even when it meant feeling isolated sometimes.
Finding your real village
Real mom friends don’t all look the same, parent the same, or have kids the same age. They show up with coffee when you’re having a rough morning, text you funny memes at midnight, and never make you feel bad for feeding your kids cereal for dinner three nights in a row.
They ask genuine questions about your natural parenting choices without judgment. They share their struggles without competing over who has it harder. They celebrate your wins without making it about them.
Finding these friends takes time, and sometimes it means walking away from groups that look perfect from the outside but leave you feeling empty. Trust your gut. If you consistently feel worse after spending time with a group, that’s your answer.
Your village is out there, probably in mismatched yoga pants, dealing with their own beautiful chaos, waiting to embrace yours too.
