Ever notice how Sunday dinners at your parents’ house feel more like performance reviews than family gatherings? Last month, I watched my dad critique how I let Milo feed himself with his hands (he’s two, for goodness sake), while my mom quietly reorganized my diaper bag because apparently my system “didn’t make sense.”
The kicker? They wonder why I don’t visit more often.
If you’re navigating similar waters with your own parents, you’re not alone. Many of us adult children find ourselves creating distance from our boomer parents, not out of spite, but out of self-preservation. And honestly? Sometimes our parents genuinely don’t understand why.
Growing up in my small Midwest town, family dinners happened every night at 6 PM sharp. We all showed up, we ate mom’s pot roast, and we talked about safe topics like the weather and what happened at school. But feelings? Dreams? Struggles? Those stayed locked away. My father worked long hours and provided well, but asking him for emotional support felt like speaking a foreign language he’d never learned.
Now that I’m raising my own kids with a completely different approach, I can see clearly which habits from that generation might be pushing their adult children away. These aren’t evil people. They’re often loving parents who simply don’t realize how their behavior affects us.
1) They give unsolicited advice about everything
Remember when you called your mom to share good news about your job promotion, and somehow the conversation turned into a lecture about your spending habits? Yeah, that.
Boomer parents often believe they’re helping when they offer constant advice. They see it as sharing wisdom. But when every conversation becomes a teaching moment, it feels exhausting. We’re adults now. We’ve figured out how to pay bills, raise kids, and navigate life. Sometimes we just want to share our lives without getting a performance evaluation.
What makes this especially frustrating is that their advice often doesn’t apply to today’s world. Telling me to “just walk into offices and hand them my resume” when I was job hunting five years ago wasn’t helpful. Neither is suggesting I should spank my kids because “that’s what worked for you.”
The truth is, we stop sharing when we know every story will trigger advice we didn’t ask for.
2) They dismiss modern parenting as “soft”
My parents are slowly coming around to my “hippie parenting,” but it’s been a journey. They’ve called my approach everything from “too permissive” to “creating spoiled kids” because I practice gentle parenting and actually validate my children’s emotions.
When I tell my five-year-old that it’s okay to feel angry but we need to find safe ways to express it, my dad rolls his eyes. When I babywear or co-sleep, I get lectures about “making kids too dependent.”
Here’s what they don’t see: My kids are actually incredibly resilient and independent. They just also happen to feel secure in expressing their emotions and know they’re unconditionally loved. Revolutionary, right?
This dismissal of modern parenting research and techniques creates a gulf between generations. We’re not being “soft.” We’re breaking cycles and raising emotionally intelligent humans.
3) Guilt-tripping is their primary communication tool
“I guess we’ll just die without seeing our grandchildren.”
“After everything we’ve done for you…”
“Your sister visits every week.”
Sound familiar? Guilt was the Swiss Army knife of boomer parenting, useful for every situation. And many haven’t retired this tool now that we’re adults.
When every interaction comes loaded with guilt, visiting becomes a chore rather than a choice. I started limiting contact with my parents when I realized I was getting anxiety attacks before every phone call, wondering what I’d done wrong this time.
Healthy relationships don’t require guilt as currency. When parents consistently use guilt to manipulate behavior, adult children learn that distance equals peace.
4) They refuse to acknowledge past hurts
Try bringing up something hurtful from childhood to a boomer parent. The response usually follows a predictable pattern: denial (“That never happened”), minimization (“You’re being too sensitive”), or deflection (“We did our best”).
My father was emotionally distant throughout my childhood. Not abusive, just… absent. When I tried discussing how this affected me, hoping for some healing and understanding, I got “I worked hard to provide for this family.”
Yes, and I’m grateful for that. But providing financially and providing emotionally aren’t the same thing.
This inability to acknowledge that their parenting might have caused pain, even unintentionally, keeps wounds fresh. We’re not asking for self-flagellation, just recognition that our experiences were real and valid.
5) Boundaries are seen as disrespect
Setting boundaries with boomer parents often goes about as well as explaining cryptocurrency to them. They see boundaries as rejection, disrespect, or proof that you’ve been “brainwashed by therapy culture.”
When I asked my parents not to comment on what my kids eat during visits, you’d think I’d banned them from the house. “We’re just concerned,” they said. But constant comments about sugar and processed foods during every meal aren’t concern; they’re criticism.
Boundaries aren’t punishment. They’re guidelines for healthy relationships. But many boomer parents interpret any boundary as a personal attack, making it exhausting to maintain both boundaries and the relationship.
6) They make everything about themselves
Call with exciting news about your pregnancy? Somehow it becomes about how they felt when they were pregnant. Share a struggle with your toddler? They launch into how much harder they had it with three kids and no help.
This reflexive self-centering means adult children never feel truly heard. Every conversation becomes a competition or a redirect to their own experiences. After a while, we stop sharing because what’s the point? We already know the conversation will pivot to them within minutes.
7) They refuse to grow or change
Perhaps the most heartbreaking habit is the stubborn refusal to evolve. “This is just who I am” becomes a shield against any request for changed behavior. They’ve decided that reaching a certain age means they’re done growing, done learning, done adjusting.
But relationships require flexibility from everyone involved. When one party refuses to budge on anything, the other party often has no choice but to create distance for their own wellbeing.
Moving forward with compassion
Here’s the thing: I don’t think most boomer parents are malicious. They’re working with the tools they were given, in a world that’s changed dramatically since they raised us. My strict upbringing affects my current parenting every single day, mostly in what I consciously choose to do differently.
But understanding why they act this way doesn’t mean we have to accept behavior that hurts us. We can have compassion for their limitations while still protecting our own peace.
If you’re struggling with this balance, you’re not ungrateful or oversensitive. You’re an adult trying to maintain your wellbeing while navigating complex family dynamics. Sometimes love looks like Sunday dinners. Sometimes it looks like carefully maintained boundaries and holiday cards.
Both are okay. Your peace matters too.
