Here’s a piece of advice nobody tells you when your kids are little: someday they’ll grow up, move out, and you’ll find yourself sitting across from them at holiday dinners wondering how to bridge the gap between “How’s work?” and the real conversations you’re craving.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, especially as my own kids are still young but I watch friends navigate relationships with their adult children. Growing up, my family ate together every single night, but looking back, our conversations rarely went deeper than scheduling and daily logistics. Now I’m intentionally creating a different family culture with more emotional openness, hoping it’ll serve us well when Ellie and Milo are adults themselves.
But what if you’re already there? What if your kids are grown and you’re yearning for those deeper connections? The good news is that it’s never too late to shift the dynamic. Sometimes all it takes is changing what we say and how we say it.
1. “Tell me more about that”
This simple phrase has become my go-to for teaching emotional regulation with my little ones, but it works beautifully with adults too. When your grown child mentions something in passing about work stress or a friendship challenge, resist the urge to jump in with advice or relate it back to your own experience immediately.
“Tell me more about that” opens a door. It says you’re genuinely interested, not just making conversation. It gives them permission to go deeper if they want to, without pressure. And here’s the magic: people often surprise themselves with what comes out when someone truly wants to listen.
I learned this the hard way when a friend shared that her adult daughter started opening up more once she stopped trying to fix everything and just asked to hear more. Connection over perfection, right?
2. “I was wrong about that”
Have you ever noticed how hard it can be to admit mistakes to our kids, even when they’re adults? Maybe especially when they’re adults? There’s this weird pressure to maintain the illusion that we always knew what we were doing as parents.
But here’s what I’m learning: vulnerability builds bridges. When you can say “I was wrong about that” or “I wish I’d handled that differently when you were younger,” you’re showing them that growth doesn’t stop at any age. You’re modeling what it looks like to reflect and evolve.
This doesn’t mean you need to apologize for every parenting decision you ever made. But acknowledging specific moments where you missed the mark can be incredibly healing for both of you.
3. “What do you think I should know about your life right now?”
Sometimes our adult children don’t share because they assume we wouldn’t understand or wouldn’t want to hear about certain aspects of their lives. This question cuts through those assumptions. It basically says, “Help me understand your world better.”
When you ask this, be prepared for whatever comes. They might share about career struggles, relationship dynamics, or personal growth journeys that surprise you. The key is to receive whatever they offer with curiosity rather than judgment.
I practice this kind of open-ended questioning with my kids now, even though they’re small. When Ellie comes in from the garden with her basket of leaves, instead of assuming I know what she’s thinking, I ask her to tell me what’s important about her collection. Building this habit now feels like an investment in our future conversations.
4. “I’m proud of who you’ve become”
Not what they’ve achieved. Not their job title or their house or their kids. Who they’ve become.
Our culture is so achievement-focused that sometimes our adult children still feel like they’re trying to earn our approval through accomplishments. When you express pride in their character, their values, their way of moving through the world, you’re seeing them as whole people, not just a collection of milestones.
Try to be specific. “I’m proud of how thoughtfully you approach difficult decisions” or “I admire your commitment to your friends.” These observations show you’re paying attention to who they really are.
5. “I’m still learning too”
Remember when your kids thought you knew everything? That shift when they realized you didn’t can sometimes create distance that persists into adulthood. Acknowledging that you’re still figuring things out levels the playing field.
Share what you’re grappling with, whether it’s learning new technology, navigating changes in your own relationships, or wrestling with big life questions. This isn’t about burdening them with your problems, but about showing up as a fellow human on the journey.
When I mess up with my kids now (which happens more than I’d like), I tell them, “I’m still learning how to be the best mama I can be.” I hope this plants seeds for honest conversations when they’re older.
6. “Your perspective really helped me see that differently”
How often do we actually let our adult children influence our thinking? Really influence it, not just politely listen and then carry on as before?
When your adult child shares their viewpoint on something, whether it’s political, social, or personal, and it genuinely shifts your perspective even slightly, tell them. This acknowledgment shows tremendous respect for their intellect and experience. It positions you as peers in some way, capable of learning from each other.
This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say. But when they do offer something that resonates or challenges you in a meaningful way, acknowledging it can deepen your connection significantly.
7. “I love you and I like you”
Love can feel obligatory between family members. But like? That’s a choice. Telling your adult child that you genuinely enjoy their company, that you’d choose them as a friend if you weren’t related, that’s powerful.
Be specific about what you like. “I love how you make everyone feel included” or “Your sense of humor always brightens my day.” These aren’t things a parent has to say. They’re things a person who genuinely appreciates another person would say.
The path forward
Building deeper connections with adult children isn’t about grand gestures or perfectly scripted conversations. It’s about showing up differently in small moments, choosing curiosity over assumption, and vulnerability over perfection.
Start with just one of these phrases. See how it feels. Notice how your adult child responds. Sometimes the shift happens slowly, over many conversations. Other times, one genuine moment of connection opens a floodgate.
What matters most is that you’re trying. That you’re willing to evolve the relationship, to see your adult child as a whole person with their own wisdom to offer. The family dinners of the future don’t have to mirror the ones from the past. We can create something new, something deeper, starting with the very next conversation.
