If you’ve raised adult children, you know that sinking feeling when they don’t call as often as they used to. Or when they seem to brush off your advice with a polite nod and a quick subject change.
Trust me, I get it. My two sons are both in their thirties now, with families of their own, and there are days when I wonder if anything I say still matters to them. One of them calls weekly, the other texts occasionally, and I’ve had to learn to accept both on their own terms.
But here’s what I’ve discovered after years of watching, waiting, and yes, sometimes overthinking every interaction: our adult children often value our wisdom more than we realize. They just show it differently than they did when they were younger.
The signs can be subtle, almost invisible if you’re not looking for them. After spending over thirty years in human resources helping people navigate workplace problems, I’ve learned to read between the lines. And when it comes to our adult children, sometimes what they don’t say matters as much as what they do.
So if you’re sitting there wondering whether your grown kids still need you or value what you have to offer, let me share eight signs that suggest they absolutely do.
1) They bring up old advice in casual conversation
You might not even catch it at first. But listen closely next time you’re chatting with your adult child. Do they mention something you taught them years ago?
Last month, my younger son was telling me about a problem at work. Halfway through, he said, “I remembered what you always said about documenting everything,” and went on to explain how he’d kept detailed notes that saved him in a tricky situation.
I hadn’t given him that advice in probably ten years. But there it was, still rattling around in his head, still useful.
Your kids might not say “Thanks for that wisdom, Mom” or “Great advice, Dad.” But when they casually reference something you taught them, that’s pure gold. It means your words stuck. They became part of their internal compass.
2) They ask hypothetical questions
“Hey Dad, hypothetically, if someone was thinking about changing careers at 35, what would you tell them?”
Sound familiar? When adult children ask these “hypothetical” questions, they’re usually not that hypothetical at all. They’re testing the waters, seeing what you think without fully committing to asking for advice.
This is actually a beautiful sign of respect. They value your opinion enough to seek it out, but they also want to maintain their independence. So they couch it in hypotheticals to keep that balance.
I’ve learned to play along with these scenarios. Instead of saying, “Are you thinking about changing careers?” I just answer the hypothetical. It keeps the door open for more conversations.
3) They mirror your problem-solving approaches
Watch how your adult children handle challenges. Do you see echoes of your own approach?
Maybe you taught them to sleep on big decisions, and now they do the same. Or perhaps you showed them how to break down overwhelming problems into smaller pieces, and you notice them using that strategy with their own kids.
This mirroring often happens unconsciously. They might not even realize they’re doing it. But it’s one of the strongest signs that your wisdom has taken root.
4) They defend you to others
You might never hear about this directly, but sometimes it gets back to you through the family grapevine. Your daughter standing up for you when her friend complains about “boomer parents.” Your son shutting down criticism of your choices at a family gathering.
When our adult children defend us, especially when we’re not there to hear it, it shows deep respect for who we are and what we’ve taught them. They might roll their eyes at us sometimes, but when push comes to shove, they’ve got our backs.
5) They share your stories with their own children
“Grandpa always says…” or “Your grandma taught me…”
When your adult children pass along your wisdom to their kids, that’s the ultimate validation. They’re not just keeping your lessons for themselves; they’re making them part of the family legacy.
I nearly choked on my coffee when I overheard my older son telling his daughter the same thing I used to tell him about treating people with respect, using almost the exact same words. He probably doesn’t remember that those were my words first, but that’s okay. The wisdom is living on.
6) They call you first in a crisis
Not for every little thing, mind you. But when something really big happens, when they’re truly scared or overwhelmed, who do they call?
If your number is still one of the first they dial when life throws them a curveball, that’s huge. It means that despite their independence, despite maybe seeming distant at times, you’re still their anchor.
And here’s the thing: they might not want you to fix it. They might just need to hear your voice, to know you’re there. That’s still them valuing your wisdom and presence.
7) They seek validation for major decisions
“We’re thinking about moving closer to the city. What do you think?”
Notice they’re not asking you to make the decision for them. They’ve probably already made up their minds. But they still want your blessing, your perspective, your wisdom on the matter.
This is different from asking for advice. It’s more about wanting to know that you understand their reasoning, that you can see why they’re making this choice. Your validation still matters to them, even when they’re fully capable of making their own decisions.
8) They circle back to difficult conversations
Remember that awkward conversation from six months ago where you offered advice and they seemed to shut down? Don’t be surprised if they bring it up again, maybe approaching it from a different angle.
Adult children often need time to process our wisdom, especially when it touches on sensitive areas. What seems like rejection in the moment might just be them needing space to think it through.
I’ve learned that apologizing for specific things I got wrong over the years has opened doors that staying defensive would have kept closed. And sometimes, months later, one of my sons will say, “I’ve been thinking about what you said…”
Closing thoughts
Looking for these signs has taught me something important: the relationship with our adult children is supposed to change. They’re not supposed to need us the way they did at seven or seventeen.
But that doesn’t mean they don’t value our wisdom. It just means they’re integrating it into their own lives, in their own way, on their own timeline.
I’ve discovered that my sons talk to me more now that I ask questions instead of constantly offering opinions. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
So if your adult children seem distant, look closer. The signs are probably there, quiet but unmistakable. Your wisdom is still working in their lives, even when they’re too busy or too proud to say so directly.
What signs have you noticed in your own adult children?
