Let’s be honest—parenting can feel like one long guessing game with no answer key.
We all want to raise confident, capable kids who can handle life’s bumps, but sometimes, the things we do with the best intentions end up chipping away at that very confidence we’re trying to build.
I’ve seen it in my own home—usually on a Tuesday afternoon when everyone’s tired, the laundry’s half-done, and I catch myself saying something I instantly regret.
Confidence isn’t built in a day, and it’s not destroyed by one rough moment either. But the small, quiet habits we repeat can slowly shape how our kids see themselves.
Here are sneaky ways we parents can unintentionally do more harm than good—and what we can do differently.
1) Fixing every little problem for them
I used to think I was being helpful when I rushed in to fix every challenge. Greta couldn’t zip her jacket? I’d do it. Emil got frustrated with a puzzle? I’d solve it.
But the more I stepped in, the more dependent they became on me to make things right.
The truth is, confidence grows from trying, not from getting things perfect the first time. If we swoop in too early, we rob kids of the chance to feel capable.
Now, I bite my tongue (sometimes literally) and let them struggle a little.
When Greta grumbles through tying her shoes or Emil insists on pouring his own milk, I remind myself: the spill is temporary, but the confidence that comes from “I did it myself!” sticks.
Psychologist Dr. Angela Duckworth, author of Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, puts it perfectly: “Effort counts twice.”
Letting kids wrestle through effort teaches them resilience far better than any shortcut we could offer.
2) Praising only results, not effort
It’s easy to say, “Good job!” when our child brings home an A or wins the soccer game. But what about when they study hard and still don’t ace the test? Or when they play their heart out but lose?
When praise focuses only on outcomes, kids start tying their worth to performance. They think love and approval are conditional. And when results don’t go their way, their confidence takes a hit.
I’ve started changing my language. Instead of “You’re so smart,” I’ll say, “You worked really hard on that.” Or “I love how you kept trying even when it was tricky.”
This small shift teaches kids that their value isn’t based on perfection—it’s built on persistence. And that’s what helps them bounce back when life doesn’t hand out gold stars.
3) Overprotecting them from failure
No one wants to see their child upset. It’s human nature to shield them from pain, disappointment, or embarrassment.
But as one of my favorite quotes from Mister Rogers reminds us: “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.”
Failure is part of being human. It’s how kids learn to manage frustration, self-correct, and try again.
When Greta didn’t get invited to a classmate’s birthday party last year, I wanted to email the parent immediately. Instead, I asked how she felt.
We talked about inclusion, empathy, and how sometimes friendships shift. That conversation did more for her confidence than any rescue mission ever could.
Let them fail small while they’re still young—so they know how to recover big when it really counts later.
4) Comparing them to siblings or other kids
We’ve all done it. “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “Your cousin already reads chapter books!” slips out before we can stop ourselves.
But comparison steals confidence. It shifts a child’s focus from self-improvement to self-doubt.
I learned this lesson the hard way when I kept praising Greta’s neat handwriting in front of Emil. One day, he said, “I’m just messy, right?”
That stung. Now, I focus on each child’s strengths—Greta’s attention to detail and Emil’s boundless creativity. Both are valuable. Both deserve space to shine.
Every child blooms differently. Some sprint, others stroll—but they all get there eventually.
5) Dismissing their feelings
It’s so tempting to say, “You’re fine” or “Don’t cry” when a child melts down over something that seems small to us. But those little dismissals tell them their emotions aren’t valid—or worse, that big feelings are wrong.
Confidence grows when kids know they can trust their inner world. So instead of brushing off tears or frustration, I try to name what I see: “That sounds frustrating,” or “You’re disappointed it didn’t work out.”
Clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour, author of Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, notes that validation doesn’t mean agreeing—it means showing understanding.
When kids feel seen, they calm faster and learn emotional awareness.
Sometimes, after naming their feelings, I’ll add, “What could help you feel a little better right now?” It’s simple, but it helps them start connecting emotions to solutions—a skill that serves them for life.
6) Making everything about you
I used to fall into the “parent projection trap.” You know, when your child’s grade, behavior, or achievement somehow feels like a reflection of you?
It’s sneaky. When Greta brought home a drawing that looked… abstract, I found myself overpraising it, not because she needed it—but because I wanted to feel like I was doing a good job as a mom.
Kids pick up on that energy. They learn to perform for approval instead of passion.
Confidence grows when kids know they’re loved regardless of how their choices make us look.
Now, when Greta shows me her latest art project, I just ask questions: “What do you love about this one?” or “How did you decide to use that color?” It’s amazing how much more she opens up when she doesn’t feel like she’s on stage.
7) Talking negatively about yourself in front of them
Kids absorb everything. The way we speak about ourselves becomes the soundtrack they play in their own heads.
If we constantly say, “I look terrible today,” or “I can’t do anything right,” we teach them to view self-criticism as normal.
One morning, I caught myself sighing at the mirror, muttering something about my under-eye circles. Greta—sweet, honest Greta—looked up and said, “But I think you’re pretty.” That moment hit me hard.
From that day on, I’ve tried to speak more kindly about myself, even when I don’t feel it. I’ll say things like, “I’m tired, but I’m proud of what I got done.”
Because that’s what I want my kids to internalize: self-compassion, not perfection.
As researcher Kristin Neff puts it, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” If we model that, our kids learn to do the same.
8) Forgetting to let them contribute
Confidence doesn’t come from being served—it comes from being trusted.
When kids are never asked to help or given real responsibility, they start to believe they’re incapable. But when we include them in meaningful ways—setting the table, helping fold laundry, feeding the pet—they begin to feel useful and capable.
In our home, chores aren’t punishments; they’re participation. Greta helps pack her own school lunches, and Emil “helps” water plants (which sometimes means soaking the floor).
But they both light up because they’re part of the team.
The goal isn’t perfection—it’s participation. Confidence grows when kids feel they make a difference, however small.
Final thoughts
Confidence isn’t built through grand gestures—it’s shaped in the quiet, everyday moments. The way we respond to frustration, the words we use when mistakes happen, the patience we show when they’re learning something new.
I’ve made every one of these mistakes at some point—and I probably still will again. But awareness changes everything.
The next time you find yourself hovering, rescuing, or dismissing, pause and ask: What would help them grow right now?
Because that’s really the goal—not to raise perfect kids, but to raise secure ones who believe they can figure things out.
And honestly? That belief might just be the strongest kind of confidence there is.
