Ever since I retired, Sunday dinners have become the highlight of my week. Both my sons, now in their thirties with families of their own, regularly show up with their kids in tow. But it wasn’t always this way.
A few years back, I noticed the visits were becoming less frequent. The excuses piled up: Busy schedules, work commitments, the kids had activities. All legitimate reasons, sure, but something felt off.
The wake-up call came when my younger son finally told me straight: “Dad, sometimes it feels like every conversation with you is a performance review.”
Ouch. That stung. But he was right.
I’d been doing what so many of us older parents do without realizing it. Every visit turned into an opportunity to dispense wisdom, offer unsolicited advice, or subtly critique their choices. No wonder they weren’t exactly racing to come over.
That conversation sparked a journey of change that transformed my relationship with both my sons.
Today, those Sunday dinners aren’t obligations. They’re genuinely wanted. And through talking with other parents my age who have similarly close relationships with their adult children, I’ve noticed we tend to do certain things differently.
If you’re wondering why your adult children’s visits feel forced or infrequent, these seven approaches might help bridge that gap.
1) They ask questions instead of offering opinions
This was my biggest shift, and honestly, the hardest one to make. For decades, I’d been the guy with answers. My sons would mention something about work, their marriages, or parenting, and boom, there I was with my two cents.
These days? I’ve learned the power of curiosity. When my older son talks about challenges at work, instead of jumping in with “Well, what you should do is…”, I ask “How are you thinking about handling it?” or “What options are you considering?”
The change has been remarkable. My sons actually talk to me more now. They share real struggles, not just surface-level updates. Turns out, most of the time, they don’t need my solutions.
They need someone who genuinely wants to understand their perspective.
Sometimes I still catch myself mid-sentence, about to launch into advice mode. Old habits die hard, right? But I’ve gotten pretty good at pivoting to “What do you think?” instead.
2) They’ve apologized for specific past mistakes
This one might surprise you, but hear me out. About two years ago, I sat down with each of my sons individually and apologized for specific things I’d gotten wrong when they were growing up.
Not vague “I wasn’t perfect” apologies. Real, specific ones. Like the time I missed my younger son’s championship game because of work. Or how I pushed my older son too hard academically when he was clearly struggling with anxiety.
Was it uncomfortable? Absolutely. Did it feel like admitting failure? At first, yes. But here’s what I discovered: Apologizing to your adult children for specific things opens doors that staying defensive keeps permanently closed.
My sons weren’t looking for a perfect father. They were looking for a real one. One who could acknowledge that some of their childhood pain was valid. That acknowledgment alone healed wounds I didn’t even know were still bleeding.
3) They respect boundaries without taking them personally
When my younger son first told me they needed to limit visits during a particularly stressful period in their lives, my knee-jerk reaction was hurt. Were we not important enough? Had I done something wrong?
But parents who maintain strong relationships with their adult children understand something crucial: Boundaries aren’t rejections. They’re actually signs of a healthy relationship.
Now when one of my sons says they need space, or can’t make a family event, or asks me not to bring up certain topics, I respect it. No guilt trips, no passive-aggressive comments, no “After all I’ve done for you” speeches.
The irony? The more I respect their boundaries, the more they actually want to include me in their lives. Go figure.
4) They’ve created new traditions that work for everyone
Remember those Sunday dinners I mentioned? They only work because we reimagined them. The old version involved me at the head of the table, formal place settings, and expectations that everyone would stay for hours.
The new version? Much more relaxed. Sometimes it’s takeout. Sometimes the kids eat separately while watching a movie. Sometimes people leave early. And you know what? Everyone actually enjoys it now.
Parents whose adult children love visiting have figured out that clinging to old traditions that no longer serve anyone just creates obligation and resentment. Instead, they collaborate on creating new ones that actually work for everyone’s current life.
5) They show genuine interest in their children’s actual lives
For years, my conversations with my sons followed a predictable script. How’s work? How are the kids? Any vacation plans? Surface level stuff that could’ve been covered in a two-minute phone call.
Now I make an effort to really know them as adults. What podcasts are they listening to? What’s challenging them right now? What are they excited about that has nothing to do with their roles as fathers or employees?
I’ve learned about my older son’s fascination with astronomy, something he never mentioned growing up. My younger son is teaching himself guitar.
These aren’t things that came up when every conversation centered around responsibilities and achievements.
6) They’ve stopped treating visits like obligations
“You never visit enough” might be one of the most relationship-damaging sentences a parent can utter. I know because I used to think it all the time, even if I didn’t always say it out loud.
Parents who have great relationships with their adult children have let go of the scorecard. They don’t count visits, compare with how often the kids see the in-laws, or make their children feel guilty for having busy lives.
When my sons do visit, I focus on enjoying the time we have rather than lamenting how long it’s been or negotiating when they’ll come next. Quality over quantity, every single time.
7) They’ve developed their own fulfilling lives
This might be the most important point of all. The parents I know whose adult children genuinely enjoy spending time with them have rich, full lives of their own. They have hobbies, friendships, interests, and purposes beyond their children.
Since retiring, I’ve joined a book club, taken up photography, and volunteer at the local library. When my sons visit, I have new stories to share, new perspectives to offer. I’m not just waiting around for them to fill my calendar.
There’s nothing more suffocating for adult children than feeling responsible for their parent’s happiness and social life. When they know you’re thriving independently, visits become a choice, not a duty.
Closing thoughts
Looking back, that painful conversation with my younger son was a gift. It forced me to examine how I was showing up as a father to adult children, rather than just assuming my role hadn’t changed since they were kids.
The truth is, our relationships with our children need to evolve as they do. The parent who was perfect for a 10-year-old might be all wrong for a 35-year-old. And that’s okay.
If your adult children’s visits feel more like obligations than celebrations, maybe it’s time to ask yourself: What could I do differently? Not because you’ve failed as a parent, but because the best relationships are always growing.
After all, isn’t it better to have children who choose to visit rather than children who feel they have to?
