I used to think likability was something you either had or you didn’t. Like charisma or good hair.
Turns out, I was completely wrong.
The most likable people I know aren’t necessarily the most outgoing or charming. They’re not always cracking jokes or commanding attention when they walk into a room.
What they do have? A way of making you feel safe. Comfortable. Like you can let your guard down and just be yourself.
And after years of paying attention to these people, I’ve realized it’s not magic. It’s not some innate gift. It’s a collection of small, deliberate habits that signal to others: “Hey, you’re safe with me.”
Here’s what I’ve learned about making people feel that way:
1. They give you their full attention
This sounds basic, but stay with me because hardly anyone actually does this anymore.
When likable people talk to you, they really talk to you. Their phone isn’t in their hand. Their eyes aren’t scanning the room for someone more interesting. They’re not waiting for their turn to talk.
They’re just… there. Present. Focused on you.
I noticed this about my friend Sarah. Every time we grab coffee, she puts her phone in her bag and doesn’t dig for it the whole time. When I’m talking, she’s not thinking about what she’s going to say next. She’s actually listening.
And you know what? It makes me want to tell her everything.
Because in a world where everyone is distracted all the time, someone’s full attention feels like a gift. It makes you feel valued. Important. Safe enough to share.
2. They remember the little things
Here’s something that shocked me when I started paying attention: the people who make you feel safest aren’t necessarily the ones you see most often.
They’re the ones who remember what you told them three months ago about your dog’s surgery. Or that you hate cilantro. Or that you were nervous about that presentation at work.
My colleague James does this. He’ll check in weeks after I’ve mentioned something in passing. “Hey, how did your mom’s doctor appointment go?” or “Did you ever figure out that issue with your car?”
I never asked him to remember these things. But he did anyway.
And it sends a powerful message: you matter enough for me to remember what’s going on in your life.
That level of care creates safety. It tells people they’re not forgettable, not just another face in the crowd.
3. They admit when they’re wrong
This one was hard for me to learn. I used to think admitting mistakes made you look weak or incompetent. I’d twist myself into knots trying to justify my errors or shift blame elsewhere.
In contrast, the people who make others feel safe are all about owning their stuff.
“You know what, you’re right. I messed that up.” “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.” “I was wrong about this.”
No excuses. No deflection. Just honest acknowledgment.
My boss does this, and it completely changed how I see leadership. When he makes a mistake, he doesn’t hide it or make excuses. He just says, “That was my call and it was the wrong one. Here’s what I should have done instead.”
It creates this environment where nobody’s afraid to be human. Where mistakes aren’t catastrophic because even the person in charge makes them and admits it.
Safety isn’t about perfection. It’s about honesty.
4. They don’t fill every silence
Okay, this might sound counterintuitive, but hear me out.
Likable people are comfortable with quiet moments. They don’t feel the need to fill every gap in conversation with noise.
I used to panic during silences. I’d ramble or ask random questions just to keep things moving. I thought silence meant the interaction was failing.
But then I met people who could just… sit with you. No awkwardness. No pressure to perform.
My neighbor Tom is like this. We’ll be sitting on his porch, and sometimes minutes will pass without either of us saying anything. And it’s fine. It’s actually nice.
Because silence with someone who’s comfortable creates space for you to think. To process. To just exist without having to be “on.”
It signals: I don’t need you to entertain me. Your presence is enough.
5. They ask before giving advice
Don’t you hate it when someone gives you unsolicited advice?
I certainly do, but even so, I catch myself doing it unintentionally sometimes. I’d jump straight into problem-solving mode whenever someone shared a struggle. “Here’s what you should do…” “Have you tried…” “If I were you…”
I thought I was being helpful. Turns out, I was often being annoying.
The people who make you feel safe understand something crucial: sometimes people don’t want solutions. They just want to be heard.
So they ask first. “Do you want advice, or do you just need to vent?”
My friend Lisa taught me this. She’ll listen to my whole rant about work drama, and then she’ll say, “Do you want me to brainstorm solutions with you, or did you just need to get that out?”
Usually, I just needed to get it out. And by asking, she’s telling me: your needs matter more than my desire to fix things. I’m here for what you need, not what I think you should need.
6. They share their own struggles
Here’s something nobody warns you about: perfection is intimidating.
When someone seems like they have it all together, never struggles, never fails, it creates distance. You start feeling like you can’t measure up.
The most likable people I know are willing to be a little messy. They share their failures, their doubts, their moments of feeling completely lost.
Not in a complaining way or a seeking-attention way. Just in an honest, “yeah, I’m human too” kind of way.
I remember when my mentor told me she’d been rejected from her dream job twice before finally getting hired there years later. She didn’t have to share that. But she did, and suddenly she went from being this intimidating figure to someone I could actually relate to.
When you’re willing to be vulnerable, you give others permission to be vulnerable too. And vulnerability is where real connection happens.
As author and therapist Shannon L. Alder said, “One of the most important things you can do on this earth is to let people know they are not alone.”
7. They respect your boundaries without making it weird
As a non-confrontational person, having to enforce boundaries was kind of an ordeal for me. But eventually, I came to see it as a valuable filter.
When you set a boundary with someone, their reaction tells you everything about how safe they are.
Safe people hear “no” and respond with respect. No guilt trips. No making you explain yourself. No passive-aggressive comments later.
“Can’t make it to the party.” “No worries, maybe next time!”
“I’m not comfortable talking about that.” “Totally understand.”
That’s it. Clean. Simple. Respectful.
I had a friend who would always push back when I couldn’t do something. “Come on, just this once.” “You’re being boring.” “Why not?”
Eventually, I stopped sharing when I couldn’t do things. I’d just make up excuses instead of being honest.
Compare that to my friend Rachel, who never makes me feel bad about my limitations. When I say I need to leave early because I’m tired, she just says, “Thanks for coming!” No pressure. No judgment.
Guess which friend I feel safer around? Like I said, it’s an excellent filter for whom to keep in your life and whom to keep out.
8. They celebrate your wins without making it about them
Finally, when you share good news with someone, pay attention to how they respond. Do they genuinely celebrate with you? Or do they immediately shift the focus?
“I got the promotion!”
Unsafe response: “Oh nice. You know, when I got promoted…”
Safe response: “That’s amazing! Tell me everything. How are you feeling?”
The difference is subtle but significant. One makes your win about them. The other makes space for your joy to be fully yours.
Because when someone can celebrate your success without needing the spotlight, it tells you they’re secure enough in themselves to let you shine. And that security is contagious. It makes you feel safe.
The bottom line
As you can see, being likable and making people feel safe isn’t about being perfect or always knowing the right thing to say.
It’s about being present. Being honest. Being respectful.
It’s about treating people like they matter, because they do.
At the end of the day, people don’t remember your witty jokes or impressive credentials. They remember how you made them feel.
And if you can make them feel safe, that’s the kind of likability that last long after first impressions.
