Last weekend, Milo had an absolute meltdown over his breakfast — tears streaming, oatmeal everywhere — and Matt just scooped him up, oatmeal-sticky hands and all, and held him until the storm passed. No sighing, no frustration, just calm presence.
That’s when it hit me: unconditional love isn’t about the good days. It’s about showing up when things get messy.
We throw around the phrase “unconditional love” pretty easily, especially when it comes to parenting. But what does it really mean in adult relationships — with partners, friends, or family? How do you know when someone’s love for you runs deeper than circumstances?
After years of watching Matt navigate my postpartum anxiety, supporting my shift from teaching to writing, and holding space for my perfectionist tendencies, I’ve come to recognize the markers. True unconditional love reveals itself not in grand gestures, but in how someone shows up when life gets hard.
1) When your mental health struggles surface
The weeks after Milo was born were some of the darkest I’ve experienced. The postpartum anxiety felt like drowning while everyone else was breathing just fine.
Matt didn’t try to fix me or tell me to “just relax.” He sat with me at 3 AM when my mind was racing with worst-case scenarios. He took both kids to the park so I could go to therapy appointments. He never once made me feel broken.
Someone who loves you unconditionally doesn’t shy away when your mental health wobbles. They don’t treat your anxiety or depression as an inconvenience or something you should just “get over.”
They make space for your struggles without making them about themselves. They learn what helps you and what doesn’t. They hold steady when you can’t.
2) When you make a major life change they didn’t sign up for
When I told Matt I wanted to leave teaching to pursue freelance writing from our kitchen table, I braced myself for resistance.
Instead, he asked what I needed to make it work.
We adjusted our budget. He picked up extra contracting jobs during the slow months. He never once threw it in my face when money got tight or suggested I should just go back to the classroom.
People who love you unconditionally don’t hold you hostage to who you were when they met you. They make room for your evolution, even when it’s inconvenient or scary for them too.
They might have concerns (and healthy relationships make space for those conversations), but they don’t weaponize your growth or make you feel guilty for changing.
3) When you disappoint them or mess up
I’ll never forget the time I completely forgot about Matt’s work event—the big one he’d been talking about for weeks. I was deep in a writing deadline and it just… slipped my mind entirely.
He was hurt. Rightfully so. But after we talked it through, he didn’t hold it over my head for weeks or bring it up during every future disagreement.
He forgave me. Actually forgave me, not the kind where someone says “it’s fine” but clearly isn’t fine.
According to psychology, healthy love does not depend on the other person being perfect.
Someone who loves you unconditionally recognizes you’re human. They don’t keep a running tally of your mistakes or use past errors as ammunition. They understand that loving someone means accepting their whole, imperfect self, including the parts that sometimes screw up.
4) When your success might overshadow theirs
When my first big article got published in a national parenting magazine, I was terrified to tell Matt. Not because he’d be mean about it, but because I knew he’d been struggling to land a big contracting job he really wanted.
The timing felt cruel.
But when I finally showed him, his face lit up. He read the whole thing right there at the kitchen table, then called his mom to tell her. His genuine pride made me cry.
Unconditional love doesn’t keep score. It doesn’t require you to dim your light so someone else feels better about themselves.
The people who truly love you celebrate your wins without comparing them to their own journey. They understand that your success doesn’t diminish theirs, and they’re secure enough in themselves to feel genuine joy for you.
5) When you’re going through something they can’t fully understand
Matt has never experienced postpartum anything. He’s never felt the specific weight of leaving a career you trained years for. He’s never understood my obsessive need to research every ingredient in our cleaning products.
And yet, he’s never made me feel ridiculous for any of it.
He asks questions. He reads articles I send him. He acknowledges that just because something isn’t his experience doesn’t make it less real or valid for me.
Unconditional love doesn’t require someone to walk in your exact shoes to validate your journey. It means they trust your experience even when they can’t fully comprehend it themselves.
They don’t need to “get it” to support you through it.
6) When you need them to change something about themselves
A few years ago, I had to have a hard conversation with Matt about how his tendency to withdraw during conflict was making me feel abandoned and anxious.
It was uncomfortable. He got defensive at first. But then he actually worked on it, went to a few therapy sessions on his own, practiced staying present even when conversations got tense.
He didn’t make me feel like I was asking too much or trying to change who he fundamentally was.
Someone who loves you unconditionally is willing to grow, even when it’s uncomfortable. They recognize that love isn’t just about accepting each other “as is” — it’s about being willing to evolve together.
They don’t dig in their heels and refuse all change. They distinguish between core identity and behaviors that can be adjusted for the health of the relationship.
7) When you’re not your best self
Last month, I was short-tempered for weeks. The kids were getting over a cold, I had three deadlines, and I’d been sleeping terribly. I snapped at Matt over little things—dishes in the sink, forgetting to pick up milk.
I wasn’t fun to be around.
He didn’t mirror my irritability or pull away. He asked if I was okay, took the kids to his workshop for a few hours, and brought me tea without being asked.
He loved me through my prickly phase without taking it personally or making me grovel for being human.
As attachment researcher John Bowlby emphasized, secure attachment in relationships means feeling safe even when we’re not at our best.
Unconditional love means someone sees you in your grumpiest, most overwhelmed, least lovable moments—and they don’t flinch. They recognize those moments as temporary weather patterns, not permanent climate change.
They don’t require you to perform happiness or perfection to earn their presence.
Conclusion
Here’s what I’ve learned about unconditional love: it’s not about never having boundaries or accepting harmful behavior. It’s not about being a doormat or sacrificing yourself completely.
It’s about loving someone through their becoming.
It’s staying when things get complicated. It’s choosing them even when they’re not easy to choose. It’s seeing their whole, messy, evolving self and saying “yes, still you.”
Matt and I aren’t perfect. We have hard conversations. We disappoint each other sometimes. We’re both works in progress.
But when I look at how we’ve shown up for each other through career changes, mental health struggles, parenting challenges, and personal growth…I know what we have is real. The kind of love that doesn’t evaporate when things get hard.
That’s the love worth holding onto. The kind that doesn’t run when life gets real.
And honestly? That’s the kind of love we all deserve. The kind that sees us at our worst and loves us anyway, not despite our struggles, but through them.
