The tension was thick enough to cut with a knife.
Your mother-in-law just finished telling you that your five-year-old “wouldn’t act that way” if you’d just give him “a good swat when he needs it.” Meanwhile, your child is having a completely normal developmental meltdown about leaving the playground.
You feel your jaw tighten. She raised her kids one way. You’re raising yours another. And somehow, you’ve become the scapegoat for everything she thinks is wrong with “kids these days.”
Sound familiar?
This conversation is happening in living rooms across the country. Younger parents are choosing not to spank while their own parents, who grew up in an era where spanking was standard practice, see this choice as permissive parenting or worse, a rejection of their own child-rearing methods.
But here’s the truth: you can honor your parents while still making different choices for your own children.
Understanding where they’re coming from
Before we tackle how to have this conversation, it helps to understand the landscape our parents were working with.
Generational attitudes toward spanking have shifted dramatically. In 1993, 50 percent of parents reported spanking their children. By 2017, that number had dropped to 35 percent.
Your parents weren’t being cruel. They were doing what everyone around them was doing, what their parents did, what experts at the time often recommended. The cultural norm was different.
If they see you choosing not to spank, some interpret it as judgment of their parenting. They hear: “You did it wrong. You hurt me.” Even when that’s not what you’re saying at all.
The research they didn’t have
Here’s what makes this conversation tricky: the science on spanking has evolved significantly.
Decades of research now show that spanking alters brain development in ways similar to severe maltreatment. It increases perception of threats, heightens anxiety, and can impact a child’s ability to regulate emotions.
Studies tracking thousands of children found that those who were spanked showed more aggression, lower self-control, increased mental health problems, and diminished cognitive development compared to children who weren’t spanked.
The evidence is clear: spanking doesn’t teach children to behave better. It teaches them that bigger people can use physical force to get their way.
Your parents didn’t know this. The research simply wasn’t available when they were raising you.
Start with common ground
When you’re ready to have this conversation, begin by finding shared values.
“Mom, I know you want what’s best for these kids, just like I do. We both want them to grow up respectful, responsible, and kind.”
Acknowledge that she raised you with the information she had. Thank her for the things she did right. This isn’t about scorekeeping or proving her wrong.
Then share what you’ve learned. Not as an attack, but as new information you’ve discovered.
“The research on child development has really expanded since we were kids. Scientists have found that there are more effective ways to teach children than spanking, methods that actually work better in the long run.”
Explain what you’re doing instead
One reason older generations worry about no-spanking households is they assume it means no discipline at all. They envision chaos, entitlement, children running wild.
Show them that’s not the case.
Explain your approach: consistent boundaries, natural consequences, time-outs when needed, removing privileges when appropriate. Positive discipline strategies aren’t permissive. They’re structured, intentional, and backed by developmental psychology.
You still address misbehavior. You just don’t hit them to do it.
Share specific examples. “When he hits his sister, he loses screen time and has to make amends. When he throws a tantrum, we give him space to calm down, then talk about better ways to handle frustration.”
Let them see that you’re still teaching respect, accountability, and self-control. You’re just using different tools.
Set boundaries without burning bridges
Some grandparents will respect your choices immediately. Others will need firmer boundaries.
If comments continue, be direct but kind: “I appreciate that you raised us differently, but this is the approach we’ve chosen for our children. I need you to support that when you’re with them.”
If they can’t agree to that, you may need to limit unsupervised time. This isn’t punishment. It’s protecting your parenting authority and your children’s wellbeing.
“I love having you spend time with the kids, but if spanking happens, we’ll need to reconsider how visits work.”
This is hard. You want your children to have relationships with their grandparents. But you also can’t allow someone else to undermine your parenting decisions or use physical discipline you’ve chosen against.
When they won’t budge
Some folks from older generations simply won’t change their minds. They’ll insist kids today are spoiled, that society’s problems stem from parents who won’t spank, that you’re raising weak children.
You can’t force understanding. But you can control your response.
Stop trying to convince them. Repeat your boundary calmly as many times as needed. “This is our decision. We’re not open to debate about it.”
Then change the subject. Talk about something else. Focus on what you can share rather than where you disagree.
Remember, fifty years of research has confirmed the risks of spanking. You’re not experimenting with your children. You’re following evidence-based practices.
Their disagreement doesn’t make you wrong.
Teaching respect through respect
Here’s the ironic thing about the spanking debate: older generations often claim it teaches respect.
But respect isn’t fear. Real respect is earned through consistency, fairness, and treating others with dignity.
Refusing to hit your children models that exact principle. It shows them that even when someone frustrates you, even when you hold all the power in the relationship, you still choose to treat them with respect.
That’s a lesson worth standing firm on.
Your parents raised you the best way they knew how. Now you’re doing the same for your children, armed with knowledge they didn’t have access to.
Both things can be true.
Final thoughts
Bridging generational gaps in parenting philosophy isn’t easy, especially when it touches on something as personal as how we were raised.
But you can hold both truths: your parents did their best with what they knew, and now you’re doing better with what you know.
That’s not rejection. That’s progress.
Your children will be better for it.
