Some days I feel like I have this parenting thing figured out. The morning flows, everyone eats breakfast without tears, and we make it out the door with shoes on the correct feet.
Other days? I’m questioning every choice I’ve ever made while my toddler melts down over a banana that broke in half.
Here’s what I’ve learned in five years of motherhood: feeling uncertain doesn’t mean you’re failing. In fact, the parents who worry most about whether they’re doing enough are often the ones doing the most important work.
Emotional security in children doesn’t come from perfect parenting. It comes from consistent, imperfect love. And the signs that your child feels safe and secure might show up in ways you wouldn’t expect, sometimes in the very moments that feel the hardest.
1) They feel safe enough to fall apart in front of you
This one seems backward, I know. Your child saves their biggest meltdowns for you, and somehow that’s a good sign? But think about it from their perspective.
All day long, they hold it together at school or daycare or grandma’s house. They navigate social dynamics, follow rules, manage disappointments. Then they see you, and everything they’ve been carrying comes tumbling out.
That release happens because you represent safety.
As noted by Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and founder of Good Inside, children show their hardest feelings to the people they trust most. She explains that meltdowns after school are actually a sign of secure attachment, not evidence that something is wrong at home.
When my daughter comes home from kindergarten and immediately dissolves into tears over something small, I try to remember this. She’s not broken. She’s not spoiled. She trusts me enough to show me the feelings she couldn’t show anyone else. That trust is everything.
2) They come to you when they’re hurt or scared
Watch what your child does when they stumble at the playground or hear a loud noise that startles them. Do they look for you? Run toward you? Call out your name? That instinct to seek you out when the world feels uncertain is one of the clearest markers of secure attachment.
Children who feel emotionally safe know that their caregiver will respond. They’ve learned through hundreds of small moments that when they need comfort, it will be there. This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect or available every single second. It means that more often than not, you’ve shown up.
My two-year-old is a climber, which means bumps and tumbles are part of our daily life. What I notice is that after he falls, he doesn’t just cry into the void.
He looks for me or his dad. He reaches up. He expects to be comforted. That expectation didn’t come from nowhere. It came from us meeting him in those moments, again and again.
3) They can play independently without constant reassurance
Secure children can venture out and explore because they know they have a safe base to return to. You might notice your child happily building with blocks across the room, occasionally glancing up to make sure you’re still there, then returning to their play. That glance and return is healthy attachment in action.
Research on attachment theory, originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby, shows that children who feel secure with their caregivers actually become more independent over time, not less. The safety of connection gives them courage to explore.
This doesn’t mean your child should never want you nearby or never ask you to play. But if you notice them getting absorbed in imaginative play, wandering off to investigate something interesting, or contentedly doing their own thing while you fold laundry nearby, that’s a beautiful sign. They’ve internalized the security you’ve given them.
4) They express a full range of emotions, not just the easy ones
Happy, excited, silly, proud. Those emotions are easy to celebrate. But what about angry? Jealous? Frustrated? Disappointed? Children who feel emotionally secure don’t just show you their sunshine. They show you their storms too.
If your child can say “I’m so mad at you right now” or “That’s not fair and I hate it,” that’s actually healthy. It means they trust that your love isn’t conditional on their good behavior or pleasant moods. They know the relationship can hold their big feelings without breaking.
This can be exhausting, I won’t pretend otherwise. When my daughter tells me she’s angry because I won’t let her have ice cream for breakfast, part of me wants to say “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
But I try to remember that her ability to name and express that anger is a skill. She’s not stuffing it down or acting it out in harmful ways. She’s telling me how she feels, trusting that I can handle it.
5) They recover from disappointments, even if it takes a while
Emotional security doesn’t mean your child never gets upset. It means they have the capacity to move through hard feelings and come out the other side. You might notice that after a big disappointment, your child eventually calms down, reconnects with you, and moves on with their day.
This resilience develops over time through what researchers call “rupture and repair.” The relationship hits a bump, feelings get hurt, and then you come back together. That cycle, repeated hundreds of times, teaches children that hard moments aren’t the end of the world. Connection can be restored.
I think about this when plans fall through or promises have to be broken. Last month we had to cancel a trip to the zoo because of weather, and my daughter was devastated. She cried, she protested, she told me it was the worst day ever.
But an hour later, she was helping me make cookies and chattering about going to the zoo another time. She moved through it. That’s resilience built on security.
6) They show empathy toward others
Children who feel emotionally secure have the bandwidth to notice and care about other people’s feelings. You might see your child offer a toy to a crying friend, ask if you’re okay when you seem sad, or show concern for a character in a book who’s having a hard time.
This empathy develops because their own emotional needs are being met. When children don’t have to spend all their energy worrying about whether they’re safe and loved, they have room to extend care outward.
As the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University explains, responsive relationships in early childhood build the foundation for healthy social and emotional development.
My son, at two, already pats my arm when I stub my toe and says “Okay, Mama?” He’s learning that feelings matter and that we take care of each other. He learned it because we’ve taken care of his feelings, even the inconvenient ones.
7) They can separate from you without extreme distress
Some tears at drop-off are completely normal, especially for younger children or during transitions. But emotionally secure children generally settle fairly quickly once you’ve left. They might protest the goodbye, but they don’t remain in distress for hours. They trust that you’ll come back.
This trust builds through experience. Every time you leave and return, you’re teaching your child that separation isn’t permanent. You always come back. Over time, this knowledge becomes part of how they understand the world.
When my daughter started preschool, she clung to my leg for the first week. It was hard on both of us. But her teachers told me she calmed down within minutes of my leaving and happily joined the other kids.
That quick recovery told me something important: she was sad to see me go, but she felt safe enough to let me go. Both things can be true.
8) They seek connection after conflict
After a hard moment, a timeout, a firm boundary, or a disagreement, does your child eventually come back to you? Maybe they crawl into your lap, ask for a hug, or simply start chatting with you again like nothing happened. That return to connection is a powerful sign of security.
Children who feel safe in the relationship know that conflict doesn’t mean rejection. They’ve learned that you can be frustrated with their behavior and still love them completely. So they don’t stay away. They come back, because coming back feels natural and safe.
These moments of reconnection matter so much. After I’ve had to hold a boundary my kids didn’t like, I try to make myself available for that return. I don’t force it, but I stay open.
And almost always, they find their way back. A hand on my knee. A request to read a book together. A simple “Mama, look at this.” The relationship repairs itself because the foundation is strong.
Closing thoughts
If you read through this list and recognized your child in some of these signs, take a breath. You’re doing something right, even on the days when it doesn’t feel that way. Emotional security isn’t built through grand gestures or perfect parenting. It’s built through showing up, again and again, in ordinary moments.
And if some of these signs aren’t present yet, that’s okay too. Children develop at different paces, and security deepens over time. What matters is the direction you’re heading, not whether you’ve arrived.
The fact that you’re reading this, wondering if you’re doing enough, caring about your child’s emotional wellbeing? That’s the kind of parent who raises secure kids. Trust yourself a little more. You know your child better than anyone, and your love is doing more than you realize.
