I’ve watched my own children grow into adults and now I’m watching my grandchildren find their footing in the world. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned across all these years, it’s that children are always listening. Even when they seem distracted by a toy or lost in their own little universe, they’re absorbing everything we say.
The funny thing is, the words that shape them most aren’t the big lectures or the carefully planned heart-to-hearts. They’re the small, almost throwaway phrases we use every single day.
These simple sentences become the internal voice our kids carry with them into adulthood. So what are emotionally intelligent parents actually saying? Let me share eight phrases that might seem ordinary but carry extraordinary weight.
1) “I noticed you…”
This one sounds almost too simple to matter, doesn’t it? But think about what it really communicates. When you say “I noticed you shared your snack with your sister” or “I noticed you kept trying even when it was hard,” you’re telling your child something profound. You’re saying: I see you. I’m paying attention. You matter enough for me to watch.
Children crave being seen. Not just looked at, but truly observed and understood. Research from the American Psychological Association has shown that children who feel seen by their parents develop stronger self-esteem and emotional regulation skills.
The beauty of “I noticed” is that it doesn’t judge. It simply acknowledges. You’re not saying “good job” or “bad choice.” You’re holding up a mirror and letting your child see their own behavior reflected back. This helps them become more self-aware without feeling evaluated every moment of the day.
2) “How did that make you feel?”
Here’s a question that opens doors rather than closing them. When something happens to your child, whether it’s a scraped knee or a friend who wouldn’t share, asking how they feel invites them into their own emotional world.
Too often, we rush to fix things. We say “you’re okay” before they’ve even processed what happened. Or we tell them how they should feel. “That’s nothing to cry about.” But when we ask how something made them feel, we’re teaching them that their emotions are valid and worth exploring.
My youngest grandson went through a phase where he’d get frustrated and just shut down completely. His mother started asking this simple question after every incident, big or small. Over time, he developed a vocabulary for his feelings. Now he can tell you when he’s “frustrated” versus “disappointed” versus “overwhelmed.” That’s emotional intelligence being built in real time.
3) “It’s okay to feel upset”
This might be the most important phrase on this list. We live in a culture that often treats negative emotions as problems to be solved rather than experiences to be felt. But sadness, anger, frustration, and disappointment are all part of being human.
When we tell our children it’s okay to feel upset, we’re giving them permission to be fully human. We’re saying that their difficult emotions don’t make them bad or broken. As noted by Dr. Marc Brackett, director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, children need permission to feel before they can learn to manage those feelings effectively.
The key is what comes next. You’re not leaving them stranded in their upset. You’re sitting with them in it. You’re showing them that difficult feelings pass, that they can be survived, and that they don’t have to face them alone. That’s a lesson that will serve them for the rest of their lives.
4) “What do you think we should do?”
I remember when my daughter was about seven and she came to me with a problem. Two of her friends were fighting and she was stuck in the middle. My instinct was to tell her exactly what to do. But something made me pause and ask her what she thought.
She had ideas. Good ones, actually. Better than what I would have suggested because she understood the situation from the inside. All she needed was someone to help her trust her own judgment.
When we ask children what they think we should do, we’re telling them their opinions matter. We’re building their problem-solving muscles. We’re showing them that they’re capable of figuring things out. This doesn’t mean we abandon them to make every decision alone. It means we include them in the process.
Children who are regularly asked for their input grow into adults who can think critically and trust their own instincts. They don’t wait for someone else to tell them what to do. They’ve had years of practice working things out.
5) “I love watching you…”
There’s something magical about being appreciated not for what you achieve, but for who you are in the process of doing something. “I love watching you draw” is different from “that’s a beautiful drawing.” “I love watching you play with your brother” is different from “you’re such a good sibling.”
The first version focuses on the experience. It tells your child that their presence, their engagement, their way of being in the world brings you joy. The second version, while nice, focuses on the outcome or the label.
If you are a regular reader, you may remember I’ve written before about how children can become addicted to praise. They start performing for approval rather than engaging for enjoyment. “I love watching you” sidesteps this trap. It celebrates the doing, not the done.
My granddaughter loves to dance around the living room. She’s not particularly coordinated and she makes up moves that would baffle any choreographer. But when I tell her I love watching her dance, her face lights up. She’s not dancing for my approval. She’s dancing because she loves it, and she knows I love seeing her love it.
6) “Tell me more about that”
Children often share things in fragments. They’ll mention something that happened at school or describe a dream they had, and then wait to see if we’re interested. This is where “tell me more about that” becomes powerful.
It signals genuine curiosity. It says: I’m not just being polite. I actually want to understand your world. Keep talking. I’m listening.
This phrase also teaches children that their thoughts and experiences are worth exploring in depth. They learn to elaborate, to reflect, to dig deeper into their own minds. These are skills that will help them in every relationship they ever have.
The trick is meaning it. Children can spot fake interest from a mile away. If you ask them to tell you more while scrolling through your phone, they’ll learn that your words don’t match your actions. But if you put everything down and really listen, they’ll learn that they’re worth your full attention.
7) “I made a mistake, and I’m sorry”
This one requires courage. It’s hard to admit to our children that we got something wrong. We want to be their rock, their source of certainty in an uncertain world. But pretending to be perfect does them no favors.
When we apologize sincerely, we teach our children several things at once. We show them that everyone makes mistakes, even the adults they look up to. We demonstrate that mistakes don’t have to be hidden or defended. And we model how to take responsibility and make amends.
Research from UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center suggests that parental apologies actually strengthen the parent-child bond rather than weakening parental authority. Children respect honesty. They feel safer with a parent who can admit fault than with one who pretends to be infallible.
I’ve apologized to my children and grandchildren more times than I can count. For losing my temper. For not listening well. For being distracted when they needed me present. Each apology was a small lesson in humility and repair.
8) “I believe in you”
Sometimes the simplest words carry the most weight. “I believe in you” is a complete sentence. It doesn’t need qualifications or conditions. It’s a statement of faith in who your child is and who they’re becoming.
Children face a world full of doubt. They doubt their abilities, their worth, their place in things. Having a parent who believes in them becomes an anchor. It’s a voice they can return to when their own confidence wavers.
But here’s the thing. You have to mean it, and you have to show it. Saying “I believe in you” while micromanaging their every move sends mixed signals. True belief means giving them room to try, to fail, to figure things out. It means trusting them with age-appropriate challenges and responsibilities.
When my son was struggling with a difficult class in high school, I told him I believed in him. Then I stepped back and let him work through it. He didn’t get the grade he wanted, but he learned he could handle hard things. That lesson has served him far better than any A ever could.
The words that echo
Here’s what I’ve come to understand after all these years. The phrases we use with our children become the phrases they use with themselves. Our voice becomes their inner voice. That’s both a tremendous responsibility and a beautiful opportunity.
You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to say everything right all the time. But if you can weave these simple phrases into your daily conversations, you’ll be giving your children something invaluable. You’ll be helping them build an internal foundation of emotional intelligence that will support them long after they’ve left your home.
So let me ask you this: what phrases do you remember from your own childhood? And what words are you planting in your children’s minds today?
