Here’s something that took me decades to fully understand: the relationship between your children will likely outlast every other relationship in their lives. Long after you and I are gone, they’ll still have each other. Or they won’t. And that outcome often traces back to patterns we set in motion without ever meaning to.
I’ve watched families where adult siblings barely speak, and I’ve seen others where brothers and sisters remain each other’s closest confidants well into their seventies. The difference rarely comes down to personality clashes or childhood squabbles.
More often, it comes down to small, repeated moments that parents never recognized as significant. These aren’t signs of bad parenting. They’re blind spots. And nearly every family has them.
1) Comparing achievements, even with good intentions
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?” Most parents know better than to say this outright. But comparison sneaks in through subtler doors.
Maybe you mention at dinner how quickly one child finished their homework. Perhaps you display one child’s artwork more prominently because, well, it’s objectively better. Or you tell a friend on the phone how your eldest is such a natural athlete, not realizing the younger one is listening from the hallway.
Children are remarkably skilled at detecting where they rank. Research from the American Psychological Association has shown that perceived parental favoritism is one of the strongest predictors of poor sibling relationships in adulthood. The key word there is “perceived.” You might treat your children with perfect equality, but if one child believes they’re seen as lesser, the damage takes root anyway.
The antidote isn’t to stop noticing differences. It’s to celebrate each child’s unique path without using another sibling as the measuring stick.
2) Assigning fixed roles within the family
“She’s the smart one.” “He’s our little comedian.” “That’s just how she is, she’s always been the sensitive one.”
Labels feel harmless. Sometimes they even feel like compliments. But when children grow up boxed into roles, they often spend adulthood either trapped in that identity or resenting the sibling who got the role they wanted.
I’ve seen this play out in my own extended family. One cousin was always “the responsible one,” which meant she carried burdens no child should carry. Her brother was “the creative one,” which somehow translated to lower expectations and more freedom.
Forty years later, there’s still tension there. She feels she sacrificed her youth. He feels he was never taken seriously.
Children need room to be many things. The quiet child might have a wild sense of humor waiting to emerge. The athletic child might secretly love poetry. When we lock them into roles, we accidentally pit them against each other for the remaining identities.
3) Using one child as the example for discipline
“Your brother never gives me this much trouble.” This one cuts deep, and it cuts both ways.
The child being scolded feels inadequate and begins to resent the “good” sibling. Meanwhile, the “good” sibling feels pressure to maintain their status and may grow to resent being used as a weapon. Neither child wins.
Discipline works best when it stays focused on the behavior and the individual child. Bringing siblings into it transforms a teaching moment into a ranking system. And children remember being ranked far longer than they remember the original misbehavior.
If you catch yourself reaching for a sibling comparison during a difficult moment, pause. Address what’s in front of you. The comparison adds nothing helpful and costs more than you might imagine.
4) Letting the older child carry too much responsibility
There’s a difference between age-appropriate responsibility and parentification. The line between them can blur quickly, especially in busy households.
Asking your twelve-year-old to watch their younger sibling for an hour is reasonable. Expecting them to be a regular caretaker, disciplinarian, or emotional support system is something else entirely.
As noted by researchers studying parentification, children who take on parental roles often experience anxiety, depression, and complicated relationships with the siblings they were tasked to raise.
The older child may grow up feeling their childhood was stolen. The younger child may struggle to see their sibling as a peer rather than an authority figure. Both dynamics poison the well for adult friendship.
If you’re a regular reader, you may remember I’ve touched on the weight that eldest children often carry. It’s worth examining whether your family structure asks too much of them.
5) Dismissing conflict instead of teaching resolution
“Stop fighting!” “Work it out yourselves!” “I don’t want to hear it!”
These responses are understandable. Sibling squabbles are exhausting, and parents aren’t referees. But when we consistently dismiss conflict without guidance, children learn that their grievances don’t matter and that relationships are about enduring rather than resolving.
Worse, they never learn how to actually work through disagreement. They carry this into adulthood, where old resentments calcify because neither sibling has the tools to address them.
You don’t need to mediate every argument. But some conflicts deserve your attention. When feelings are genuinely hurt, when patterns keep repeating, when one child consistently dominates, step in. Not to declare a winner, but to model how people who love each other can disagree and repair.
The goal isn’t harmony at all costs. It’s teaching that conflict is survivable and that relationships can grow stronger through honest conversation.
6) Showing up differently for different children’s milestones
This one sneaks past most parents because life circumstances change. When your first child graduated, maybe you threw a big party. By the time your third child graduated, you were exhausted, money was tighter, and a nice dinner felt like enough.
Completely understandable. Also potentially damaging.
Children don’t see context. They see that their sibling got a celebration and they got a meal. They interpret this as evidence of their place in the family hierarchy. And they remember.
I’m not suggesting you bankrupt yourself maintaining identical celebrations. But awareness helps. If circumstances force you to scale back, acknowledge it openly. “I wish we could do more, and I want you to know this milestone matters just as much to me.” Children can accept limitations. What they struggle to accept is feeling like an afterthought.
7) Failing to protect individual relationships
When did you last spend time with just one of your children? Not family time. Not errands with a child in tow. Genuine, focused, one-on-one time where that child has your complete attention.
Many parents default to group dynamics because it’s efficient. Everyone’s together, everyone’s included, no one feels left out. But something important gets lost. Each child needs to know they matter to you as an individual, not just as part of the sibling unit.
Without individual relationships, children compete for attention within the group. They interrupt each other. They perform. They vie for the spotlight because it’s the only stage available. This competition breeds resentment that follows them into adulthood.
Even small doses of individual time make a difference. A walk around the block. A trip to the hardware store. Fifteen minutes before bed. These moments tell a child, “You are not just one of my children. You are you, and I see you.”
8) Never acknowledging your own mistakes
Here’s the hardest one, and I’ve saved it for last because it requires the most from us.
Parents make mistakes. We favor one child in a moment of weakness. We compare when we shouldn’t. We miss things, dismiss things, and get it wrong in a hundred small ways. The question is whether we acknowledge it.
Children who watch their parents own mistakes learn that imperfection is survivable and that repair is possible. Children who never see their parents admit fault learn that relationships require pretending, that grievances must be swallowed, and that bringing up old hurts is unwelcome.
This matters enormously for sibling relationships. If your children can’t bring their hurts to you, they’ll bury them. And buried hurts don’t disappear. They fossilize. They become the foundation of adult estrangement.
If you realize you’ve been comparing your children, say so. If you’ve leaned too hard on your eldest, acknowledge it. If you showed up differently for different milestones, own that. Your honesty gives your children permission to be honest with each other, and that honesty is what adult sibling relationships require to thrive.
The long view
None of these patterns mean you’ve failed as a parent. Every family has blind spots. Every parent makes mistakes. What matters is awareness and the willingness to adjust.
The sibling relationship is a long game. The seeds planted in childhood don’t always bloom until decades later, when parents are no longer around to see the harvest. But you can influence what grows.
Take a moment this week to watch your children together. Notice the dynamics. Ask yourself honestly whether any of these patterns might be present in your home. And if they are, know that recognition is the first step toward change.
What kind of relationship do you hope your children will have when they’re sixty? The answer to that question might reshape how you parent them today.
