I’ve watched three generations of children grow up now. My own kids, their friends, and now my grandchildren and the little ones they play with at the park. And I’ve noticed something interesting over the decades.
The adults who seem to handle life’s curveballs with the most grace, the ones who bounce back from setbacks and maintain their footing when things get rocky, often had parents who did things a bit differently. Sometimes those choices raised eyebrows at school pickup.
Sometimes they went against the prevailing wisdom of the moment. But looking back, those unpopular decisions seem to have planted seeds that grew into something remarkable.
So what did these parents actually do? Let me share what I’ve observed, and what the research supports.
1) They let their children be bored
This one made other parents nervous. While everyone else was scheduling activities back to back and downloading educational apps, these parents would shrug when their kids complained about having nothing to do.
“Figure it out” was their response. And eventually, the children did.
Boredom, it turns out, is not the enemy we’ve made it out to be. When children have unstructured time with no entertainment handed to them, their brains start working in different ways. They invent games. They daydream. They discover what actually interests them rather than what they’ve been told should interest them.
As noted by Dr. Teresa Belton, a researcher at the University of East Anglia who has studied the relationship between boredom and creativity, children need time to stand and stare in order to develop their imagination and creativity. The constant stimulation we provide actually works against this natural development.
The resilient adults I know can sit with discomfort. They can tolerate the space between activities without reaching for their phones. That capacity started somewhere, and it often started with parents who weren’t afraid to let their children experience the productive discomfort of having nothing to do.
2) They allowed natural consequences to unfold
This was perhaps the hardest one to watch, and the one that drew the most criticism from other parents. When a child forgot their lunch, these parents didn’t race to school with it. When homework was left until the last minute, they didn’t stay up helping to finish it.
They let their children experience the results of their choices.
Now, I should be clear. We’re not talking about letting children face dangerous consequences or abandoning them in genuine crisis. These parents were present and supportive. But they understood something important: rescuing children from every small failure robs them of essential learning experiences.
A hungry afternoon teaches time management better than a hundred lectures. A poor grade on a rushed assignment teaches planning better than any parent-imposed schedule ever could. The lessons that stick are the ones we learn through experience, not the ones we’re told about.
I’ve mentioned this before, but my own father had a phrase he used when I’d complain about the results of my own poor decisions: “Well, now you know.” It frustrated me at the time.
But those three words contained a world of wisdom. Experience is the teacher. Parents who understood this raised children who learned to think ahead and take responsibility for their choices.
3) They said no without lengthy explanations
Somewhere along the way, we got the idea that every parental decision needs to be justified, explained, and negotiated. These parents didn’t buy into that.
“Can I have ice cream for dinner?” No.
“But why?” Because I said so.
That phrase, “because I said so,” has fallen out of favor. It feels authoritarian to modern ears. But there’s something valuable in teaching children that they won’t always get explanations. That sometimes the answer is simply no, and that’s the end of it.
The world doesn’t always explain itself. Bosses don’t always justify their decisions. Life doesn’t always seem fair.
Children who grew up with parents willing to hold a boundary without endless negotiation learned to accept limits without crumbling. They learned that disappointment is survivable and that not getting what you want isn’t a crisis.
This didn’t mean these parents were cold or dismissive. They were warm and loving. But they understood that part of love is teaching children to handle the word “no” with grace. That skill serves people well throughout their entire lives.
4) They let their children struggle with tasks
Watching a child struggle is uncomfortable. Every instinct tells you to step in, to help, to make it easier. These parents resisted that urge.
Whether it was tying shoes, solving a puzzle, or working through a social conflict with a friend, they held back. They watched. They waited. They let their children wrestle with the problem.
This wasn’t neglect. It was faith. Faith that their child was capable of figuring things out. Faith that the struggle itself was valuable.
Research from Stanford University has shown that children who are allowed to struggle develop stronger problem-solving skills and greater persistence. When parents swoop in too quickly, children learn that they can’t handle difficulty on their own. They become dependent on rescue.
The resilient adults I know have a certain confidence when facing challenges. They don’t panic at the first sign of difficulty. They roll up their sleeves and get to work.
That confidence was built in childhood, one small struggle at a time, by parents who believed in their capability even when it would have been easier to just do it for them.
5) They didn’t treat their children as fragile
Some parents hover. They cushion every fall, soften every blow, and treat their children as if they might break at any moment. The parents who raised resilient adults did the opposite.
They expected their children to handle disappointment. They didn’t catastrophize small setbacks. When their child didn’t make the team or wasn’t invited to a party, they acknowledged the pain but didn’t treat it as a tragedy.
“That’s hard,” they might say. “I’m sorry you’re disappointed. What do you want to do this weekend instead?”
Notice what’s missing? The extended processing. The deep dive into feelings. The suggestion that this disappointment might leave lasting damage. These parents trusted that their children could feel bad and then move on.
And because they trusted it, their children learned to trust it too.
This approach communicated something powerful: You are strong enough to handle this. That message, repeated in small ways over years, builds a foundation of self-belief that serves people well when they face the inevitable larger challenges of adult life.
6) They required contribution to the household
Chores have become surprisingly controversial. Many parents today feel that childhood should be free of such responsibilities, that there will be plenty of time for work later, that kids should just be kids.
The parents who raised resilient adults disagreed.
Their children had jobs around the house. Real jobs, not token tasks. They helped with cooking, cleaning, yard work, and caring for younger siblings. They were expected to contribute to the functioning of the family, not just receive its benefits.
According to research from Harvard’s Grant Study, one of the longest longitudinal studies of human development, children who did chores grew up to be more successful adults.
The study found that the earlier children started helping with household tasks, the better their relationships, career success, and overall wellbeing in adulthood.
Why would this be? Because contribution builds competence. Because being needed feels good. Because learning that you’re part of something larger than yourself, and that your effort matters, shapes how you move through the world.
The resilient adults I know don’t wait to be asked to help. They see what needs doing and they do it. That instinct was cultivated early, in homes where everyone pitched in.
7) They modeled imperfection openly
Perhaps the most unpopular thing these parents did was let their children see them fail. They didn’t pretend to have all the answers. They didn’t hide their mistakes. They apologized when they were wrong.
“I shouldn’t have yelled earlier. I was frustrated, but that wasn’t fair to you. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t know the answer to that question. Let’s look it up together.”
“I made a mistake at work today. It was embarrassing, but I’m figuring out how to fix it.”
This kind of transparency made some parents uncomfortable. Weren’t we supposed to be the authority figures? Weren’t we supposed to seem like we had it all together?
But children who watched their parents navigate failure with honesty and grace learned something invaluable. They learned that mistakes don’t define you. They learned that imperfection is universal and survivable. They learned that admitting fault is strength, not weakness.
These children grew into adults who can say “I was wrong” without their identity crumbling. They can receive feedback without becoming defensive. They can fail and try again without shame. All because their parents showed them, through example, that this is simply what being human looks like.
The thread that connects them all
Looking at this list, you might notice a common theme. Each of these unpopular choices required parents to tolerate their own discomfort for the sake of their child’s long-term development.
It’s uncomfortable to watch your child be bored. It’s uncomfortable to let them face consequences. It’s uncomfortable to say no without explaining, to watch them struggle, to expect them to work, to admit your own failures.
But parenting was never meant to be comfortable. The parents who raised resilient adults understood that their job wasn’t to make childhood easy. It was to prepare their children for a life that wouldn’t always be easy.
And here’s the beautiful irony: the children raised this way often describe their childhoods as happy. Not because everything was smooth, but because they felt capable. They felt trusted. They felt like valued members of their families rather than precious objects to be protected.
So if you’re making choices that other parents question, choices that require you to sit with discomfort for your child’s benefit, take heart. You might be doing exactly what needs to be done.
What unpopular parenting choice have you made that you believe will serve your children well in the long run?
