Let’s be honest: most of us hope our kids will still want to hang out with us once they’re out of the house.
I’ve seen plenty of stories about strained parent–adult child relationships, and while every family has its own history, there are habits that make it easier—or harder—for our kids to pick up the phone or book that flight home.
So what do parents do that actually makes their grown children look forward to catching up? Here are ten things I’ve noticed, lived, and learned.
1) Respect their independence
When your son or daughter is paying their own bills, cooking their own meals, and maybe raising kids of their own, they don’t want to feel like you’re still running their life.
I remember when Camille and I got our first apartment, and my mom insisted on coming over every week to “check how we were doing.”
It was meant with love, but it sometimes felt like an audit.
What helped was when she shifted from inspecting to simply asking, “How can I support you?”
That small change turned visits into something I wanted, not something I endured.
Respecting independence shows trust—and trust is what keeps the relationship strong.
2) Offer help without strings attached
There’s a huge difference between “I’d love to help with your move” and “I’ll help with your move if you spend Christmas with us.”
Grown kids want to know that support isn’t a transaction.
If your daughter is overwhelmed with work and you drop off a frozen lasagna, that’s love, not leverage.
If your son asks you to watch the baby for a few hours, do it joyfully without holding it over his head.
As family therapist Dr. Joshua Coleman has noted, “Adult children want relationships with their parents that are free of guilt and obligation.”
That’s when generosity feels like a gift instead of a weight.
3) Listen more than you lecture
When Elise was three, she’d ramble on about her stuffed bunny’s adventures, and all I had to do was nod and say, “Wow, tell me more!” Guess what?
Grown kids aren’t that different.
Too often, parents fall into the trap of giving advice the moment their adult child shares a problem.
But sometimes what they really want is space to unload.
Attentive listening—without rushing to correct—signals respect.
Next time your kid calls, try asking follow-up questions instead of jumping straight into “Here’s what you should do.”
It’s amazing how much more they’ll share when they feel heard.
4) Celebrate who they are now, not who you want them to be
Maybe your grown son didn’t become a lawyer like you dreamed, or your daughter skipped grad school to start a bakery.
The best way to keep them close? Celebrate their choices, even when they don’t match yours.
I’ve got a buddy whose parents still treat his brother like “the successful one” because he went into medicine.
He admits it makes him dread family gatherings.
Kids—no matter their age—want to feel seen for who they are, not compared to who they’re not.
Make sure your pride shines louder than your disappointment.
5) Respect their time
Grown kids are juggling careers, partners, and maybe kids of their own.
A spontaneous three-hour phone call or an unannounced drop-in can feel more like stress than connection.
Camille and I live by the shared calendar, and let me tell you: when my parents text before visiting instead of just showing up, it changes everything.
It’s not about being overly formal; it’s about showing you value their time as much as your own.
Respecting schedules actually makes visits more frequent, because they’re planned with care instead of fueled by guilt.
6) Keep your relationship light sometimes
Not every phone call has to be deep or serious.
Share a funny meme, talk about last night’s game, or reminisce about that time you all got lost on the family road trip.
When the only conversations revolve around health scares or financial advice, calls start to feel heavy.
Sprinkling in lightheartedness reminds your grown kids that spending time with you is fun, not just dutiful.
And honestly? Laughter is one of the fastest ways to cut through the distance.
7) Let go of old conflicts
We’ve all said things we regret, and family feuds can last decades if we let them.
But holding grudges rarely makes anyone want to pick up the phone.
A friend once told me she dreaded visiting home because every holiday her dad brought up the same argument from college.
She felt stuck in time, unable to grow past it.
The parents who get more visits are the ones who forgive, apologize, and move forward.
If you want closeness now, don’t keep reopening yesterday’s wounds.
8) Be open to their parenting style
If your grown kids have kids of their own, you might not agree with all their choices—bedtimes, screen limits, diet rules.
But undermining or criticizing their choices is the fastest way to push them away.
When Elise was born, I remember my mom biting her tongue about cloth diapers.
Later, she admitted she wouldn’t have chosen them herself, but she knew Camille and I needed her support more than her opinions.
That made us trust her more and invite her over often.
Respecting your kids as parents earns you a front-row seat in your grandkids’ lives.
9) Share your life, too
It’s easy to assume your grown kids don’t want to hear about your daily routines, but they do.
Calling isn’t just about updates on their side—it’s about connection both ways.
Tell them about the book you’re reading, the recipe you tried, the project you’re working on.
Grown kids like to feel needed, and part of that is knowing what’s happening in your world.
When the conversation flows both ways, it feels like friendship—not just parenting continued.
10) Keep showing unconditional love
At the core, adult children want to know that the love they felt as kids hasn’t changed.
Not love that depends on career milestones, life choices, or proximity—but steady, unconditional love.
Psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “When someone truly hears you without passing judgment on you, it feels damn good.”
That’s exactly what unconditional love looks like in practice.
A hug at the door, a “proud of you” text, or simply listening without conditions—these small gestures remind grown kids that home is still a safe harbor.
And safe harbors are places people want to return to.
Final thoughts
No parent–child relationship is perfect.
But when grown kids actually want to call or visit, it’s usually because they feel respected, supported, and genuinely enjoyed.
If you focus less on control and more on connection, you’ll find that the phone rings more often—and the visits feel warmer.
Because at the end of the day, grown kids don’t need parents who still parent them.
They need parents who can grow alongside them, cheer them on, and make coming home feel like a gift instead of an obligation.
And that’s the kind of parent I want to be—for Elise and Julien, now and thirty years from now.
