I was having coffee with my eldest son last week when my mother called. She opened with her usual “I don’t want to bother you, but…” and proceeded to tell me about her neighbor’s new car. After we hung up, my son chuckled and said, “Grandma sure loves her updates.” That’s when it hit me—these seemingly random calls aren’t random at all.
As we age, our conversations with our adult children often become coded messages. What sounds like small talk is frequently something much deeper: a gentle reminder that we’re still here, still thinking, still hoping to be part of your world.
Having watched my own mother navigate this territory, and now finding myself doing the same with my two sons in their thirties, I’ve noticed certain phrases that aging parents repeat. They might sound like casual conversation starters, but they’re actually quiet pleas for connection.
1) “I was just thinking about you”
This one gets me every time. When my mother says this, she’s not just making conversation. She’s telling me that in her quiet moments—maybe while making her morning tea or watching the birds outside her window—I crossed her mind.
What she’s really saying: “You still occupy space in my thoughts and heart, even when we’re apart.”
I catch myself using this phrase with my own sons now. One calls weekly, the other texts occasionally, and I’ve learned to accept both on their terms. But when I say these words, I’m hoping they understand that distance and busy schedules don’t diminish their importance in my life.
2) “Have you been eating well?”
Food has always been how parents show love, hasn’t it? But when aging parents ask about your eating habits, they’re doing more than expressing concern about your nutrition.
They’re trying to maintain that caretaking role that once defined so much of their identity. After years of HR work, I learned that everyone needs to feel useful. For parents, asking about your meals is a way of saying, “I still want to take care of you, even if I can’t cook for you anymore.”
My mother asks me this despite the fact that I’ve been feeding myself for decades. And you know what? I’ve started asking my sons the same question.
3) “I don’t want to bother you, but…”
This phrase breaks my heart a little each time. It’s the verbal equivalent of knocking softly on a door, hoping someone will answer but prepared to walk away if they don’t.
What aging parents are really communicating here is their awareness of your busy life and their fear of being a burden. They’re saying, “I need connection but I’m worried about taking up your time.”
When I hear this from my mother, I make sure to reassure her that she’s never a bother. Because the truth is, one day those calls will stop, and the silence will be deafening.
4) “Things aren’t like they used to be”
Sure, this might sound like typical generational grumbling about change. But dig deeper, and you’ll find something more poignant.
This phrase often means: “The world is moving fast, and I’m struggling to keep up. I feel left behind, and I need you to be my bridge to what’s happening now.”
Years of watching my mother age taught me about maintaining dignity while adapting to change. When she says this, she’s not just complaining—she’s asking for patience and understanding as she navigates a world that increasingly feels foreign.
5) “I saw something on the news about…”
My mother loves to share news stories, especially ones that somehow relate to where my sons live or work. At first glance, it’s just sharing current events. But there’s more happening here.
What she’s really doing is trying to stay relevant and engaged with our lives. She’s saying, “I’m still paying attention to your world, still trying to understand what affects you.”
These conversations are her way of building bridges between her daily life and ours, creating shared talking points when natural commonalities have become fewer.
6) “The house feels so quiet”
This simple observation carries tremendous weight. It’s not just about noise levels—it’s about the absence of life, energy, and purpose that once filled their days.
When aging parents mention the quiet, they’re really saying, “I miss being needed, miss the chaos, miss feeling like the center of a bustling family life.”
As someone who was a hands-on dad when my boys were young, I understand this deeply. The transition from a house full of activity to silence can be jarring. When parents share this, they’re inviting you to help fill that void, even if just with a phone call.
7) “I’m fine, don’t worry about me”
Ironically, this phrase often means the opposite of what it says. After years in HR, I learned that “I’m fine” is frequently code for “I’m struggling but don’t want to be a burden.”
Aging parents use this to maintain their independence and dignity while secretly hoping you’ll see through the facade. They want you to care enough to dig deeper, to insist on knowing how they really are.
When my mother says this, I’ve learned to gently probe further. Sometimes she genuinely is fine, but often she’s grateful for the opportunity to share what’s really on her mind.
8) “Remember when…”
Ah, the nostalgia card. But these trips down memory lane aren’t just about reliving the past. They’re about confirming that those shared experiences still matter, that the family history they helped create has lasting value.
When parents share memories, they’re really asking, “Do these moments still mean something to you? Does our shared history still bind us together?”
I find myself doing this with my sons now, recalling family vacations or funny incidents from their childhood. It’s my way of saying that those years of raising them still define a huge part of who I am.
Closing thoughts
Recognizing these coded messages has changed how I respond to both my mother and how I communicate with my own sons. Every seemingly mundane conversation is an opportunity to affirm that yes, you still matter, you’re still valued, you’re still an important part of my life.
The next time your aging parent calls with what seems like small talk, listen for what’s beneath the words. Respond to the real message, not just the surface conversation.
After all, don’t we all just want to know that we still matter to the people we love most?
