I still remember the smell of my grandmother’s perfume mixed with cigarette smoke, hovering like a cloud in our living room every third Sunday.
The way my stomach would tighten when I heard her car pull up and how my little brother and I would exchange glances that said everything we couldn’t say out loud.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved my grandparents but, somewhere along the way, their visits became something we endured rather than enjoyed.
Now that I’m watching my own parents navigate grandparenthood with my two little ones, I’ve been thinking a lot about what creates that shift from anticipation to obligation.
The truth is, grandparents hold such incredible potential for magic in a child’s life, but certain patterns can turn that potential into pressure and warmth into something that feels more like duty.
Once those patterns set in? They’re hard to shake, even decades later.
1) Showing up with an agenda instead of presence
Ever notice how some grandparents arrive with a mental checklist of activities, conversations, and photo ops they need to tick off?
My mother-in-law used to do this. She’d burst through the door already talking about the craft project she’d planned, the restaurant she’d booked, the matching outfits she’d bought for pictures.
Meanwhile, my daughter just wanted to show her the fairy garden she’d been working on all week.
But there was no space for that. The agenda had been set.
When grandparents come with rigid plans instead of open hearts, kids learn pretty quickly that the visit is about fulfilling grandma or grandpa’s vision of what a visit should look like.
2) Treating every visit like a performance review
“Are you eating enough vegetables? Why aren’t you in more activities? Shouldn’t she be reading by now?”
Sound familiar? Some grandparents turn visits into assessments, constantly evaluating and comparing.
I watched this happen with my friend’s kids: Their grandfather would quiz them on math facts at dinner and frown when they couldn’t answer fast enough.
Kids aren’t projects to be optimized.
When they feel like they’re being graded during family time, they start dreading those visits.
3) Dismissing the parents’ choices
My parents were initially skeptical of what they called my “hippie parenting.”
The eye rolls when I mentioned we were limiting screen time, and the comments about how “kids need more structure than this.”
But here’s what grandparents might not realize: When they undermine parenting choices in front of the kids, they’re creating confusion and stress.
My daughter once asked me why grandma said she didn’t need to finish her vegetables when I always ask her to try everything on her plate.
That’s not a conversation any five-year-old should have to navigate.
4) Making everything about their own childhood
“When I was your age, we walked five miles to school…”
We all know the routine, but constant comparisons to “the good old days” send a pretty clear message: Nothing kids do today measures up.
I remember my grandfather’s endless stories about how much harder he worked, how much more respectful kids were, how much better everything used to be.
What I remember most? Feeling like I could never be good enough, never be as tough or capable as his generation.
Stories are wonderful, but when they’re always used as a measuring stick, they create distance instead of connection.
5) Guilt-tripping about visit frequency
“I guess you’re too busy for your grandparents.”
“We won’t be around forever, you know.”
“Other grandchildren visit every week.”
The guilt game is real, and kids pick up on it immediately. When visits become transactions tracked and tallied, weighted with guilt and obligation, children learn to associate grandparent time with emotional debt rather than emotional nourishment.
My kids should want to see their grandparents because those relationships bring joy.
6) Ignoring boundaries around physical affection
This is delicate but important: Forcing hugs, demanding kisses, and getting offended when a shy two-year-old doesn’t want to cuddle immediately.
My son is naturally cautious with physical affection, needing time to warm up. When grandparents respect that instead of taking it personally, they build trust.
But when they push? When they make comments about hurt feelings or demand affection as their due?
Kids learn their comfort doesn’t matter as much as adult feelings, and that’s not a lesson any of us want to teach.
7) Bringing drama and conflict
Family dynamics are complicated, I get it, but kids shouldn’t be collateral damage in adult conflicts.
Whether it’s complaints about other family members, passive-aggressive comments about the past, or tension that fills the room like smoke, children absorb it all.
I’m still working through my own patterns of people-pleasing that started with trying to keep the peace during tense grandparent visits.
Honestly, kids shouldn’t have to manage adult emotions or navigate family politics.
8) Focusing on gifts over presence
The grandparent who shows up with bags of toys but can’t sit still long enough to actually play, or who throws money at every problem but won’t throw a ball in the backyard.
My kids have forgotten most of the plastic toys they’ve received, but they remember the grandmother who taught them to make bread or the grandfather who helped them build a fort.
Presence is the gift that actually lasts.
9) Never admitting mistakes or apologizing
We all mess up, but grandparents who can never acknowledge when they’ve crossed a line, who can’t say sorry to a child, and who need to be right more than they need to be connected?
They teach kids that relationships are about power, not love.
I’ve watched my dad learn to apologize to my daughter when he’s been impatient.
The look on her face when he does, the way she lights up and hugs him? That’s building a foundation of respect that will last her lifetime.
The path forward
Here’s what I know: Grandparents are human because they’re carrying their own childhood patterns, their own fears about aging and relevance, their own need to feel valued and important.
I see this in my own parents as they navigate this new role, but our kids deserve relationships that feel like shelter.
They deserve grandparents who show up with curiosity instead of judgment, with presence instead of presents, and with open arms instead of rigid expectations.
The beautiful thing? It’s never too late to shift these patterns.
Every visit is a chance to choose connection over control, warmth over worry. At the end of the day, what our children will remember how their grandparents made them feel.
Let’s make sure that feeling is love, not obligation.
