Let’s be honest: grandparenting today isn’t what it used to be.
It’s not about the occasional Sunday visit or mailing a birthday card once a year. Exceptional grandparents—those who truly get it—know that their influence runs deep.
They’re not just showing up for the cute photos or the holiday dinners; they’re shaping a child’s sense of love, belonging, and security.
And here’s the thing: kids can feel the difference.
What exactly do exceptional grandparents do that disconnected ones never would?
Let’s dive in.
1) They stay curious about who their grandkids are becoming
Ever notice how kids change every few months? One day they’re obsessed with bugs, the next it’s ballet or dinosaurs.
Exceptional grandparents don’t just nod politely when their grandkids ramble on—they listen.
They ask follow-up questions. They remember the names of favorite stuffed animals and friends from preschool. They let kids teach them something new.
When my daughter Ellie was three, my mom asked her to “teach” her how to make a mud pie.
Ellie took it very seriously—assigning roles, explaining the “recipe,” and showing where to find the best dirt. My mom could’ve easily dismissed it as silly play.
Instead, she showed up with genuine interest. That day, Ellie beamed for hours.
Curiosity says, I see you. You matter.
2) They respect the parents’ boundaries
This one can be tricky.
Exceptional grandparents understand that love doesn’t mean overstepping.
They may have raised kids their own way, but they recognize that each generation does things differently—and that’s okay.
Whether it’s how much sugar the kids eat, bedtime routines, or screen limits, the best grandparents follow the parents’ lead. They don’t undermine or roll their eyes.
I’ve seen firsthand how powerful that is. My husband Matt’s parents ask before introducing new foods to Milo, our toddler, or before taking the kids on outings.
It builds trust—and makes it so much easier for us to relax when they’re watching the kids.
3) They make time, not just memories
Exceptional grandparents don’t wait for “special occasions.” They make everyday moments count.
Sometimes that’s a short video chat to say goodnight. Sometimes it’s mailing a postcard or dropping by for a quick story time.
My dad lives two states away, but he calls Ellie every Sunday morning—rain or shine—to talk about her “nature discoveries.” They’ve made it a thing.
He even keeps a little notebook titled Ellie’s Wonders, where he writes down what she’s found that week.
Grandkids don’t need extravagant vacations or piles of presents. They crave connection—the kind that happens in small, consistent moments that tell them, you’re worth showing up for.
4) They see beyond behavior
Disconnected grandparents might focus on the surface stuff—tantrums, messes, backtalk—while exceptional ones look deeper.
When Milo throws a fit, my mom doesn’t scold. She crouches down, looks him in the eye, and says, “You’re having big feelings, huh?” Then she waits. She gets that behavior is communication, not defiance.
Kids feel seen when adults interpret their emotions instead of judging them. And that’s where real connection blooms.
As parenting educator Dr. Laura Markham says, “Before you can correct, you have to connect..”
5) They share stories—not lectures
There’s something magical about a grandparent’s story.
But here’s the secret: exceptional grandparents tell stories to connect, not to preach. They don’t start with “When I was your age…” and end with a moral.
They share real moments—funny, human, and full of heart.
Ellie still talks about the story her grandpa told her about accidentally setting his shoelaces on fire while roasting marshmallows as a kid.
He used it to laugh about mistakes, not to warn her about fire safety (though she got that part too!).
Stories like that teach empathy and resilience without ever sounding like a lesson.
6) They model presence
We live in a world full of distractions—phones buzzing, screens glowing, notifications dinging. Exceptional grandparents know how to pause.
They put the phone away when they’re with their grandkids. They notice the way sunlight hits a puddle or the way a toddler’s giggle fills a room.
One summer afternoon, my mother-in-law and Ellie spent an hour watching ants build a tiny hill in the driveway. No toys. No agenda. Just quiet awe.
That kind of presence says more than words ever could. It teaches children how to be in the moment—something most adults are still trying to relearn.
7) They offer unconditional love, not conditional approval
This one’s huge.
Exceptional grandparents make it clear that their love doesn’t depend on achievements, manners, or being the “easy” grandchild.
They don’t withdraw affection when things get messy.
When Ellie went through a shy phase and refused to hug anyone goodbye, my dad didn’t take it personally.
He’d simply wave and say, “Love you, ladybug. I’ll catch that hug next time.”
That small grace taught her consent, autonomy, and that love doesn’t have strings attached.
Disconnected grandparents, on the other hand, often guilt or shame kids for not performing affection. Exceptional ones understand that trust is built, not demanded.
8) They nurture the parents, too
Exceptional grandparents know that supporting their adult children is part of loving their grandkids.
Sometimes that looks like dropping off a meal without making it a big deal. Other times it’s texting, “You’re doing a great job,” on a day that feels impossible.
After I had Milo, I remember my mom showing up—not with advice or criticism—but with clean laundry and muffins.
She didn’t ask what needed doing; she just quietly did it. That was the kind of support that healed.
Disconnected grandparents often want the grandkids without the messy realities of parenthood. Exceptional ones step into the whole picture—with compassion and humility.
As Brené Brown reminds us, “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.”
9) They keep learning and growing
The best grandparents don’t assume they know it all. They’re willing to unlearn old patterns, listen to new research, and even admit when they’ve messed up.
I once overheard my mom tell Ellie, “I didn’t always get it right when I was a mom. I’m still learning now.” That kind of honesty is rare—and beautiful.
It shows kids that growth never stops. That humility is strength. And that love isn’t about being perfect; it’s about staying open.
Disconnected grandparents often get stuck in “my way or the highway” thinking. Exceptional ones stay curious—about child development, emotional health, and what the next generation needs most.
They evolve, because connection evolves.
Final thoughts
Grandparenting is one of the purest second chances life offers. It’s a chance to slow down, to love without agenda, and to repair what might’ve been missed the first time around.
Exceptional grandparents know this. They aren’t chasing perfection; they’re chasing presence. They show up in small, sacred ways that whisper: you belong here, just as you are.
And if you’re lucky enough to have a grandparent like that—or to become one—cherish it. Those little hands won’t stay small forever, but the love you build together? That lasts for generations.
