Picture this: Your twenty-something daughter sits down next to you, takes a deep breath, and says, “Mom, Dad, I need to tell you something. I’ve been struggling with anxiety for months, and I think I need help.”
Or maybe your son calls you up and admits he’s thinking about leaving his stable job to pursue something he’s passionate about, even though everyone thinks he’s crazy.
These moments? They’re everything.
How you respond in the next thirty seconds will determine whether your adult child ever opens up to you again. No pressure, right?
Here’s the thing most parents don’t realize: When your grown kid shares something vulnerable with you, there are only two ways to respond. One builds trust that lasts a lifetime. The other? It pretty much guarantees they’ll never tell you anything real again.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, especially since becoming a father to my daughter. Sure, she’s still a baby, but watching other parents navigate relationships with their adult children has been eye-opening. And diving into the psychology behind it? Even more so.
1) The two responses that change everything
Let’s cut to the chase. When your adult child shares something vulnerable, you can either validate or invalidate their experience. That’s it. Two options.
Validation sounds like: “Thank you for trusting me with this. Tell me more about what you’re going through.”
Invalidation sounds like: “You’re overreacting,” or “That’s nothing compared to what I went through,” or my personal favorite, “You just need to pray about it.”
According to research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, emotional invalidation in parent-adult child relationships directly correlates with decreased relationship satisfaction and increased emotional distance.
Think about it. When someone dismisses your feelings, do you want to share more? Or do you want to shut down and protect yourself?
Your adult child is no different. They’re testing the waters, seeing if it’s safe to be real with you. And how you respond tells them everything they need to know.
2) Why parents get it wrong (and it’s not entirely their fault)
Look, I get it. When your kid comes to you with a problem, every instinct screams “fix it!” You’ve been solving their problems since they couldn’t tie their shoes. It’s literally hardwired into you.
But here’s what I learned while researching for my book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego: Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is absolutely nothing except listen.
Parents invalidate for a bunch of reasons. Sometimes it’s generational. “My parents never talked about feelings, and I turned out fine!” Sometimes it’s fear. Hearing your child struggle triggers your own anxiety, so you minimize it to make yourself feel better.
And sometimes, honestly? It’s ego. Admitting your child is struggling feels like admitting you failed as a parent. So instead of sitting with that discomfort, you dismiss their experience.
The problem is, your adult child isn’t looking for you to fix everything. They’re looking for you to see them, to understand them, to accept them exactly as they are.
3) The cost of getting it wrong
Here’s where things get real.
When parents consistently invalidate their adult children’s experiences, those children learn to hide their true selves. They share surface-level updates about work and weather, but nothing that actually matters.
A study from the Journal of Family Psychology found that emotional invalidation from parents leads to increased anxiety, depression, and emotional dysregulation in adult children. We’re not talking about hurt feelings here. We’re talking about actual mental health impacts.
I’ve watched this play out with friends whose parents can’t handle anything “negative.” One friend stopped telling her mom about her relationship problems after being told she was “too sensitive” one too many times. Now her mom wonders why she didn’t know about the divorce until it was final.
Another friend hasn’t told his dad about his depression because the last time he mentioned feeling down, his dad launched into a lecture about gratitude and positive thinking. So now he smiles through family dinners and saves the real stuff for his therapist.
Is that the relationship you want with your adult child? Surface-level check-ins and carefully curated updates?
4) How to be the parent they actually want to confide in
Alright, so how do you become the parent your adult child actually wants to open up to?
First, master the art of the validating response. When they share something vulnerable, your first words should acknowledge their experience. “That sounds really tough” or “I can see why you’d feel that way” work wonders.
Then? Ask questions instead of giving advice. “What’s that been like for you?” or “What do you need from me right now?” Put the ball in their court.
Here’s something that blew my mind: According to research from The Journal of Family Communication, adult children who feel heard and validated by their parents report higher life satisfaction and better mental health outcomes overall.
You know what doesn’t help? Comparing their struggles to yours. “You think that’s bad? When I was your age…” Stop. Just stop. This isn’t about you.
Same goes for toxic positivity. “Look on the bright side” might seem helpful, but it actually communicates that their negative emotions aren’t acceptable. You’re essentially saying, “Feel different than you do right now,” which is about as helpful as telling someone with a broken leg to walk it off.
5) The vulnerability paradox
Here’s something I’ve learned: vulnerability is strength, but hiding emotions creates distance. Yet so many parents teach their kids to do exactly that through their responses.
When you invalidate your child’s vulnerable moments, you’re teaching them that being real isn’t safe. That their authentic self isn’t acceptable. That they need to perform happiness or success to earn your approval.
But when you validate? When you create space for all of their experiences, not just the shiny ones? That’s when real connection happens.
I think about this with my daughter all the time. Right now, she cries when she’s hungry, tired, or uncomfortable, and I respond with comfort and solutions.
But what happens when she’s older and her problems get more complex? Will I still make space for her discomfort, or will I try to talk her out of it because it makes me uncomfortable?
The parents who get it right are the ones who can sit with their child’s pain without trying to fix it, minimize it, or make it about themselves. They understand that sometimes the most loving thing you can do is simply witness someone’s struggle and say, “I’m here.”
6) Making the shift
If you’re reading this and realizing you might be an invalidating parent, don’t panic. It’s never too late to change the dynamic.
Start small. The next time your adult child shares something, pause before responding. Take a breath. Fight the urge to fix, minimize, or redirect.
Instead, try this: “Thank you for telling me. I’m honored you trust me with this.”
Then listen. Really listen. Not to respond, but to understand.
Will it feel awkward at first? Probably. I write about this stuff in Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, and even I struggle with it sometimes. Our egos want to jump in, to prove we know better, to show we have the answers.
But relationships aren’t about being right. They’re about being real.
Final words
Your adult child sharing something vulnerable with you is a gift. They’re choosing to let you into their inner world, despite having every option to keep you out.
Don’t waste that gift by invalidating their experience. Don’t be the parent they learn to hide from.
Be the one they turn to when life gets hard. Be the one who makes space for all of their emotions, not just the comfortable ones. Be the one who validates their experience, even when you don’t fully understand it.
Because here’s the truth: You only get so many chances to show your adult child it’s safe to be vulnerable with you. Once they decide it’s not? Good luck getting those walls back down.
The choice is yours. Two responses. One builds connection, one destroys it.
Which parent do you want to be?
