If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation feeling a little deflated, misunderstood, or even dismissed, chances are you were on the receiving end of words spoken without emotional intelligence.
Now, don’t get me wrong. We all slip up sometimes—we say things in frustration or forget to consider how our words land.
But people who consistently lack emotional awareness often rely on certain phrases without realizing the damage they cause.
Today, I want to unpack seven of those phrases.
You might recognize them from interactions at work, in friendships, or even at the dinner table.
And if we’re being honest, maybe you’ve caught yourself using one or two of them as well.
I know I have in the past.
Let’s take a closer look.
1) “Calm down”
How many times have you heard this one?
On the surface, it might seem harmless, but telling someone to “calm down” rarely has the intended effect.
In fact, it usually does the opposite—it escalates the emotion.
Why? Because it invalidates what the other person is feeling.
Instead of acknowledging their frustration, worry, or sadness, you’re essentially telling them they’re overreacting.
I remember once snapping this at my teenage son years ago during an argument.
It shut down communication instantly.
A better response might be something like, “I can see you’re upset—do you want to talk about it?”
That kind of acknowledgment invites connection rather than pushing the person away.
2) “You’re too sensitive”
This one’s a classic dismissal.
It shifts the focus away from the person who made the hurtful comment and puts the blame squarely on the other person’s reaction.
The trouble is, labeling someone as “too sensitive” doesn’t solve anything.
It invalidates their experience and makes them feel small.
In relationships, especially, this phrase can be incredibly damaging because it undermines trust.
I’ve covered this in a previous post about empathy, but it bears repeating: everyone experiences the world differently.
What may roll off your back could deeply affect someone else. Emotional intelligence means respecting that difference rather than mocking it.
3) “That’s not a big deal”
Let me ask you: who gets to decide what qualifies as a “big deal”?
The truth is, it’s not up to us to minimize someone else’s concerns.
I learned this the hard way when one of my grandkids was distraught after losing his favorite toy at the park.
My instinct was to brush it off—“Don’t worry, it’s not a big deal.” But for him, in that moment, it was.
His little world had just crumbled.
Whether it’s a child, a partner, or a colleague, dismissing their issue as unimportant only creates distance.
A more emotionally intelligent approach is to say, “I can see this matters to you—let’s figure it out together.”
4) “I’m just being honest”
Honesty is important—no one’s arguing with that.
But too often, this phrase is used as a shield for being blunt, rude, or downright hurtful. It’s honesty without empathy.
Think about it: if your coworker shows you their presentation and you reply, “This is terrible—I’m just being honest,” you’ve offered no constructive feedback.
All you’ve done is tear them down.
True honesty takes tact. You can express your opinion without crushing someone.
Instead of hiding behind “I’m just being honest,” try saying, “I think this section could be stronger if you…” Now you’re being helpful, not harsh.
5) “Whatever”
Ah, the universal shutdown. Few words communicate disinterest or dismissal as quickly as “whatever.”
It’s the verbal equivalent of shrugging and walking away.
I’ll admit, I used this phrase plenty as a younger man when I didn’t want to deal with conflict.
But here’s what I’ve realized over the years: “whatever” doesn’t end the discussion—it leaves it festering.
The other person feels unheard and unimportant.
If you genuinely need space to cool down, say that: “I’m too upset to talk right now, but let’s come back to this.” That communicates boundaries while keeping the door open for resolution.
6) “You always…” or “You never…”
These phrases creep up most often in arguments, especially with those closest to us. “You always forget to call.” “You never help around the house.”
The problem is, absolutes rarely reflect reality. Nobody “always” or “never” does anything.
These sweeping generalizations put the other person on the defensive before you’ve even finished your sentence.
I’ve seen this play out in marriages, friendships, and even at the office.
The conversation spirals into debating the accuracy of “always” and “never” instead of addressing the real issue.
A more emotionally intelligent route is to focus on specifics: “When you don’t call, I feel forgotten.”
That’s harder to argue with and more likely to lead to change.
7) “It’s not my fault”
Finally, we come to a phrase that dodges responsibility altogether.
People who lack emotional intelligence often deflect blame rather than own their role in a situation.
I’ve worked with plenty of folks like this back in my office days.
Something went wrong on a project, and fingers pointed in every direction but inward.
The truth is, mistakes happen. Taking accountability doesn’t make you weak—it builds trust.
Even in family life, “It’s not my fault” creates division. If the dinner burns or the bills get mixed up, shifting blame doesn’t solve the problem.
Saying, “I messed up—let’s fix it” shows maturity and fosters connection.
Closing thoughts
So there you have it—seven little phrases that can cause big problems when emotional intelligence is lacking.
If you caught yourself wincing at one or two of them, don’t worry. We’ve all been there.
The good news is, emotional intelligence can be learned.
It starts with pausing before we speak, asking ourselves how our words might land, and choosing to respond with empathy rather than reflex.
Which of these phrases have you heard most often—and which do you want to work on avoiding yourself?
