Parenting doesn’t stop when your children become adults—it just changes shape. But here’s the thing: that change isn’t always smooth.
I’ve had conversations with other parents my age who whisper the same quiet worry: “Why doesn’t my son call?” or “Why does my daughter keep me at arm’s length?”
If you’ve felt that sting of distance, you’re not alone.
The good news? Relationships are fluid. A small shift in how we show up as parents can often make a big difference.
Below, I want to share seven changes in approach that may help bring you and your adult child closer again.
1. Respect their independence
One of the hardest truths for many of us parents to face is that our children are no longer under our wing. They’re building lives, families, and routines of their own.
It’s easy to feel left out, but clinging too tightly only pushes them further away. As Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein, a parent coach and psychologist, reminds us: “Respecting the boundaries and autonomy of adult children is essential for fostering mutual respect and trust.”
Instead of calling every day or expecting constant updates, try asking them when a good time would be to catch up.
Give them the dignity of control over their schedule. Ironically, when they don’t feel cornered, they’re often more willing to open the door.
2. Listen more, advise less
Do you remember how irritating it felt when your own parents told you what to do—long after you thought you had life figured out? Our kids feel the same way.
Sometimes the best way to support them is to simply listen. Not with half an ear while planning our response, but with real curiosity.
I’ve found that when I bite my tongue and just nod along, my children often reveal more than if I jump in with solutions.
Here’s a phrase that’s saved me more than once: “That sounds tough—how are you feeling about it?”
It doesn’t fix their problem, but it shows respect. And when they want advice, trust me—they’ll ask.
3. Ditch the criticism
I’ll be honest—I’ve caught myself doing this. A stray comment about their messy apartment, or a suggestion that maybe they should think about “a better job.”
In my head, it comes from care. But to them, it can feel like rejection.
Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein has also noted that “Parents who frequently criticize or dismiss their adult child’s feelings or achievements can inflict emotional harm, causing them to feel inadequate and unvalued.”
So, what’s the shift? Notice their wins. Celebrate the effort, not just the outcome.
And if there’s something that really needs to be said, frame it as curiosity, not judgment. A simple “Tell me more about why you chose that” can turn a critique into a conversation.
4. Accept imperfection
Here’s a truth I’ve had to swallow: none of us get through family life without disappointing or hurting each other at some point. That’s just part of being human.
As Rudá Iandê writes in his book Laughing in the Face of Chaos:
“Being human means inevitably disappointing and hurting others, and the sooner you accept this reality, the easier it becomes to navigate life’s challenges.”
When I read that, it hit home. I realized I’d been clinging to this silent hope of the “perfect” father-child relationship.
But perfection only builds walls. Acceptance builds bridges.
If your adult child has pulled away, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means the relationship is alive, complicated, and still full of potential.
5. Share, don’t impose
There’s a delicate line between sharing our wisdom and imposing it.
When my daughter had her first child, I was eager to pass along every parenting trick I knew. But one day, she sighed and said, “Dad, I love you, but let me figure this out.” That stung—but she was right.
Now, I frame things as stories, not instructions. I’ll say, “When you were a baby, here’s what worked for us—though I know times are different now.” That way, it’s offered, not forced.
This shift turns advice from a command into a gift. And it leaves the choice in their hands.
6. Tend to your own life
Sometimes distance isn’t about them—it’s about us. If we lean too heavily on our children for company, validation, or purpose, it can feel suffocating.
One of the best things we can do as parents is to invest in our own happiness. Take up a hobby, volunteer, reconnect with old friends.
The fuller our lives, the less pressure we place on our kids to “fill the gap.”
And here’s the paradox: when they see us thriving, they often want to be around us more. Who doesn’t want to spend time with someone who radiates fulfillment?
7. Let go of the outcome
This last shift might be the hardest. At some point, we have to loosen our grip on expectations.
Our adult children’s choices—their careers, partners, beliefs—might not mirror what we hoped.
But that doesn’t mean connection is impossible. It just means connection may look different than we pictured.
Rudá Iandê’s insights reminded me of this, too. He emphasizes that “Their happiness is their responsibility, not yours.”
That’s liberating for us as parents. Our job isn’t to script their lives. It’s to love them as they write their own.
Closing thoughts
Bridging the gap with an adult child doesn’t come from grand gestures.
It comes from steady, humble shifts: respecting their independence, listening without fixing, appreciating instead of criticizing.
Will it happen overnight? Probably not.
But patience and consistency can soften the distance.
So here’s my question for you: what small shift could you make today that might open the door just a little wider?
