I was talking with a friend at the farmers’ market last Saturday when she mentioned something her partner said that stopped me cold. It wasn’t cruel—not overtly—but the dismissiveness in his words left her feeling small and unseen.
And it got me thinking about how some people navigate conversations with such emotional distance that their words land like ice, even when they don’t mean harm. Emotional unavailability isn’t always dramatic. Sometimes it shows up in subtle phrases that shut down connection before it even starts.
And here’s the thing: the people saying these things often have no idea how cold they sound.
If you’ve ever felt that chill in a conversation—that sense that someone’s words are creating distance rather than closeness—you’re not alone. Let’s talk about nine things emotionally unavailable people say without realizing the impact.
1) “I’m fine”
You know that moment when you ask someone how they’re doing and they respond with a clipped “I’m fine” that clearly means the opposite?
This is emotional unavailability 101. It’s the conversational equivalent of a locked door with no handle on the outside.
When someone constantly defaults to “I’m fine” regardless of what’s actually happening in their life, they’re not just being private—they’re actively blocking connection. They might think they’re being low-maintenance or protecting themselves, but what they’re really doing is signaling that emotional honesty isn’t welcome here.
I’ve learned through my own work on anxiety that sometimes “I’m fine” is a shield we hold up when we’re scared of being seen. But relationships—real ones—need more than surface-level check-ins to thrive.
2) “You’re too sensitive”
This one lands like a slap, doesn’t it?
When someone tells you you’re “too sensitive,” they’re essentially saying your emotional response is wrong. They’re making your feelings about your inadequacy rather than acknowledging their impact.
It’s a deflection technique that emotionally unavailable people use—often unconsciously—to avoid taking responsibility for how their words or actions affect others.
The truth? There’s no such thing as being “too” sensitive. Sensitivity is part of being human.
What’s actually happening is that the other person is uncomfortable with emotional expression and would rather blame you than sit with that discomfort.
3) “I don’t want to talk about it”
Matt and I have had our share of difficult conversations over the years, but one thing we’ve both committed to is not using this phrase as an escape hatch.
When someone consistently shuts down conversations with “I don’t want to talk about it,” they’re choosing avoidance over resolution. And while everyone needs processing time occasionally, chronic conversation-dodging creates a pattern of emotional unavailability that erodes trust.
The coldness comes from the finality of it. There’s no “Can we talk about this later?” or “I need some time to think.” It’s just a wall going up, leaving the other person standing alone on the other side.
4) “Whatever you want”
This sounds accommodating on the surface, right? But dig a little deeper and you’ll find the emotional detachment underneath.
When someone always says “whatever you want” instead of expressing their own preferences or needs, they’re refusing to show up authentically in the relationship. They’re present physically but absent emotionally.
It’s the conversational equivalent of shrugging. And while it might seem like they’re being easygoing, what they’re actually doing is avoiding the vulnerability that comes with stating what they want or need.
5) “That’s just how I am”
I’ll be honest: this phrase makes me bristle every time I hear it.
“That’s just how I am” is essentially saying “I’m not willing to grow, change, or consider how my behavior affects you.”
It’s a conversation-ender disguised as self-acceptance.
Real self-acceptance involves acknowledging your rough edges while remaining open to growth. It means saying “This is hard for me, but I’m working on it” instead of using your personality as an excuse for emotionally distant behavior.
We’re all works in progress. The people who use this phrase have simply decided to stop progressing.
6) “I don’t know what you want from me”
This one often comes up during conflicts, and it sounds like confusion but usually reads as frustration or defensiveness.
When someone says “I don’t know what you want from me,” they’re often refusing to engage with what you’ve already clearly expressed. It’s a way of making you repeat yourself while simultaneously suggesting you’re being unreasonable for having needs in the first place.
The coldness comes from the implied burden. As if caring about your feelings is some impossible task they couldn’t possibly figure out.
7) “You’re overreacting”
Few phrases are as dismissive as this one.
“You’re overreacting” tells someone that their emotional response is not only wrong but excessive. It’s a judgment call that positions the speaker as the rational one and the other person as hysterical or dramatic.
But here’s the thing: emotions aren’t right or wrong. They just are. And when someone consistently tells you you’re overreacting, they’re showing you they’d rather police your feelings than understand them.
8) “Let’s just move on”
I get it—conflict is uncomfortable. Nobody enjoys sitting in the tension of unresolved issues.
But when someone rushes to “move on” before you’ve had a chance to process or resolve anything, they’re prioritizing their own comfort over genuine connection.
“Let’s just move on” is the emotional unavailability hall of fame entry. It’s choosing surface-level peace over actual resolution. It’s sweeping things under the rug and hoping they’ll disappear, even though we all know they won’t.
The coldness comes from the implied message: your need to process this is inconvenient to me, so let’s pretend it never happened.
9) “I’m not good with emotions”
This last one is particularly tricky because it sounds self-aware, doesn’t it?
But saying “I’m not good with emotions” is often code for “I’m not willing to try with emotions.” It’s a pre-emptive excuse for continued emotional unavailability.
The thing is, nobody is naturally “good” or “bad” with emotions. Emotional intelligence is a skill we develop through practice and willingness. When someone declares they’re “not good with emotions,” they’re often asking you to lower your expectations rather than committing to growth.
I spent years learning to navigate my own postpartum anxiety after Milo was born, and if there’s one thing I learned, it’s that emotional capacity expands when we’re willing to lean into discomfort rather than away from it.
Conclusion
Look, we all have moments of emotional unavailability. Life gets overwhelming, we get defensive, we say things that come out colder than we intended.
But when these phrases become someone’s default communication style—when they’re consistently choosing distance over connection—that’s when you’re dealing with true emotional unavailability.
The people who say these things often aren’t trying to be hurtful. Many of them learned early on that emotions were dangerous or inconvenient, so they developed these protective patterns. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept chronic emotional distance in your important relationships.
Whether you’re recognizing these patterns in someone else or catching yourself using these phrases, awareness is the first step. We can’t change what we don’t acknowledge.
And if you’re the one on the receiving end of these cold phrases? Trust your gut. You’re not too sensitive, you’re not overreacting, and you deserve relationships where emotional honesty isn’t treated like an inconvenience.
