Getting older means watching your parents age too. And somewhere along the way, the roles start to shift—suddenly you’re the one checking in, offering advice, maybe even making decisions.
But in that shift, it’s easy to slip into patterns that feel helpful but actually hurt. We don’t mean to cause pain. We’re busy, we’re worried, we’re trying our best.
Still, there are things we do—small, seemingly insignificant things—that land harder than we realize.
1) Making decisions without consulting them
It starts innocently enough. You notice Dad’s having trouble with the stairs, so you research stairlifts and present him with options. Or Mom mentions she’s lonely, so you sign her up for a senior center without asking first.
You’re trying to help. You’re being proactive.
But what your parent hears is: “You’re no longer capable of making your own decisions.”
Even when physical or cognitive abilities decline, most older adults want to maintain autonomy over their lives. Being consulted—not just informed—matters deeply. It’s the difference between feeling like a participant in your own life versus feeling like something that’s being managed.
The fix is simple but requires patience: ask instead of telling. Present options and let them choose, even if their choice isn’t the one you’d make.
2) Only calling when you need something
How many times have you called your parents specifically to ask a question, get advice, or request a favor—and then ended the call shortly after getting what you needed?
We all do it. Life is busy.
But imagine being on the receiving end of that pattern, month after month, year after year. You’d start to feel like a resource rather than a relationship.
Your parents notice when every call is transactional. When you only reach out to ask if they can babysit, or to get that recipe, or to find out where you stored your childhood belongings.
They want to hear from you just because. They want to know about the mundane parts of your life, not just the highlight reel or the emergencies.
3) Treating them like they’re fragile or incompetent
There’s a tone some adult children develop with their aging parents—this careful, slightly condescending voice you’d use with a small child.
“Now, Mom, be careful with that.”
“Dad, are you sure you can handle that?”
“Let me do it, it’s too complicated for you.”
Maybe you rush to take things out of their hands. Maybe you finish their sentences. Maybe you explain things in overly simple terms.
You think you’re being protective. They feel infantilized.
Yes, there may be things they genuinely need help with now. But assuming incompetence across the board is different from offering specific support where it’s actually needed.
The line is thin but important: helping when asked versus helping because you’ve decided they can’t manage.
4) Correcting them constantly
Your mom tells a story at dinner and gets a detail wrong. Your dad misremembers when something happened. They repeat themselves for the third time this week.
And you can’t help yourself—you correct them. Every single time.
“Actually, that was 2015, not 2014.”
“No, that’s not what happened.”
“You already told me that story.”
Maybe you think you’re helping them stay sharp or keeping facts straight. Maybe it’s just automatic at this point.
But constant correction sends a painful message: nothing you say is right, your memory is failing, you’re becoming unreliable.
Unless the detail actually matters—unless someone’s safety or finances are at stake—let the small stuff go. The connection and the conversation matter more than chronological precision.
5) Excluding them from family planning
You’re organizing a family gathering, so you check with your siblings, coordinate with your spouse, figure out the date and time that works for everyone who matters.
And then you inform your parents when and where to show up.
Or you have serious discussions about family matters—someone’s struggling, someone needs help, big changes are happening—and you have those conversations around your parents instead of with them.
It’s easy to slip into this pattern, especially if you’re the generation managing everything now. But being sidelined from family decisions and discussions is isolating and hurtful.
Your parents may be older, but they’re still part of the family. They still have insight, experience, and opinions worth considering. Including them isn’t just kind—it acknowledges they still have a place at the table.
6) Being constantly distracted when you’re with them
You visit your parents, but your phone is always in your hand. You’re half-listening while scrolling. You’re texting. You’re checking email. You’re there physically but not really present.
This one hits differently as people age because they become acutely aware of time—specifically, how much they might have left with you.
When you’re distracted during the limited time you spend together, what they hear is: “Other things are more important than you.”
That sounds harsh, but think about it from their perspective. They might not say anything, but they notice. And it hurts more than a skipped visit because at least that’s honest.
Put the phone away. Look at them when they talk. Be there fully for the hour or two you’re together.
7) Hiding your real life from them
You’re going through something hard—job stress, relationship struggles, parenting challenges, financial worry—but you don’t tell your parents. You keep everything surface-level. You pretend everything is fine because you don’t want them to worry.
This comes from a good place. You’re trying to protect them.
But what it actually does is create distance. It sends the message that they’re too old or too fragile to handle your real life. That the relationship is now one-way—they can need you, but you can’t need them.
Most parents, even elderly ones, still want to be parents. They want to listen, support, and help in whatever ways they can. Taking that away from them—removing their ability to care for you—can feel like losing their purpose.
You don’t need to dump every problem on them. But letting them into your actual life, including the messy parts, keeps the relationship real and reciprocal.
Conclusion
None of these behaviors come from bad intentions. We’re juggling a lot. We’re worried about our parents. We’re trying to keep everyone safe and happy.
But good intentions don’t prevent hurt feelings.
The common thread through all seven of these patterns is a subtle shift in how we see our parents—from capable adults who happen to be aging to people who need to be managed, protected, or worked around.
That shift might feel necessary sometimes, especially as health declines. But it happens earlier and more completely than it needs to, and that’s what causes the pain.
Our parents are still people. They still want autonomy, connection, purpose, and respect. They still want to be seen as themselves, not just as “elderly parents” who require careful handling.
The good news? All of these patterns are fixable. It just takes awareness and intention.
Ask yourself: Am I treating my parent the way I’d want to be treated when I’m their age?
That question alone might change everything.
