Here’s something nobody tells you when you first become a parent: you won’t fully understand the weight of your choices until years—sometimes decades—later.
When my kids were young, I thought I was doing everything right. I worked hard, kept a roof over our heads, made sure homework got done, and showed up to the school plays. But now, with grown children and grandkids of my own, I’ve had plenty of time to reflect. And let me tell you, hindsight can be a humbling teacher.
The tricky part about parenting regrets is that they often don’t hit you in the moment. They creep up slowly, usually when your children are adults and you catch yourself wondering, “What would I do differently if I could go back?”
Over the years, I’ve had many conversations with other parents and grandparents—at the park, at family gatherings, even at the coffee shop down the road. And while everyone’s story is different, certain themes keep coming up. These are the regrets that seem to sneak up on us when we least expect them.
So let’s talk about them.
1) Wishing they had slowed down and been more present
This one comes up again and again.
When you’re in the thick of it—juggling a career, bills, household chores, and the endless cycle of school runs—it’s easy to feel like you’re constantly behind. There’s always something demanding your attention. And so, you tell yourself you’ll be more present tomorrow. Next weekend. After this project wraps up.
But tomorrow turns into next month, and next month turns into next year. Before you know it, your kids are packing for college and you’re left wondering where the time went.
I remember coming home from work some evenings, exhausted and distracted, only half-listening while my son told me about his day. At the time, it felt like there would be endless opportunities to catch up. There weren’t.
The reality is, children don’t need perfect parents. They need present ones. They need you to look them in the eye when they’re talking. To put the phone down during dinner. To say yes to that game of catch even when you’re tired.
As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, quality time doesn’t have to mean grand gestures or expensive outings. Sometimes it’s just sitting together, doing nothing in particular, and letting your child know they matter more than your to-do list.
2) Getting worked up over things that didn’t matter
Did it really matter that they spilled juice on the carpet? Or that their room looked like a tornado had torn through it? Or that they wore mismatched socks to school?
At the time, these things felt important. I’ll admit, I lost my temper more than once over messes, forgotten chores, and minor misbehaviors. But looking back, most of those moments were so insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
Here’s the hard truth: your children won’t remember whether the house was spotless. But they will remember how you reacted when things went wrong. They’ll remember the sighs, the raised voices, the frustration in your eyes.
One father I spoke with put it perfectly. He said, “I spent so much energy being annoyed about stuff that doesn’t matter now. I wish I’d saved that energy for the stuff that did.”
Kids are messy. They make mistakes. That’s part of growing up. And while boundaries and discipline certainly have their place, it’s worth asking yourself: will this matter in five years? If the answer is no, maybe it’s not worth the battle.
3) Pushing achievement over happiness
We all want our children to succeed. That’s natural. But somewhere along the way, many of us confuse success with happiness—and end up prioritizing the former at the expense of the latter.
I’ve seen it happen. Parents who push relentlessly for top grades, elite sports teams, and prestigious universities. And yes, some of those kids do achieve great things. But at what cost?
When my daughter was in high school, I was probably more invested in her grades than she was. I remember checking her report cards with the intensity of an accountant auditing a ledger.
But her grades from eleventh grade didn’t shape the person she became. Her kindness did. Her curiosity did. Her ability to pick herself up after setbacks did.
The regret many parents share is focusing so much on measurable achievements that they overlooked the things that truly matter—character, emotional intelligence, and simply letting their kids enjoy being kids.
What good is a wall full of certificates if your child grows up anxious, burned out, or feeling like they’re never quite enough?
4) Not having more honest conversations
This is a big one, and it’s something I think about often.
When our kids are young, we tend to shield them from difficult topics. Money troubles, relationship struggles, our own fears and failures—we keep these things tucked away, thinking we’re protecting them. But in doing so, we miss opportunities to connect on a deeper level.
I wish I had been more open with my kids about the challenges I faced. Not in a way that burdened them, but in a way that showed them I was human too. That life isn’t always neat and tidy. That it’s okay to struggle and ask for help.
Many parents I’ve talked to echo this sentiment. They regret not having real conversations about things like mental health, relationships, or even just how they were feeling. Instead, they kept up appearances, and their children grew up thinking vulnerability was something to hide.
The psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “What is most personal is most universal.” Our kids don’t need us to be perfect. They need us to be real. And often, it’s through our honesty that they learn to navigate their own challenges.
If your children are still young, let this be your reminder: talk to them. Not just about school and schedules, but about life. About your mistakes and what you learned from them. You might be surprised how much it means to them.
5) Holding back on affection and words of love
This one might sound simple, but it’s surprisingly common.
Some of us grew up in households where affection wasn’t freely expressed. “I love you” was implied, not spoken. Physical affection was reserved for special occasions, if at all. And without realizing it, we carry those patterns into our own parenting.
I’ll be honest—I wasn’t the most affectionate father when my kids were young. I showed love through providing, through being there, through actions rather than words. And while those things mattered, I’ve come to understand that children need to hear the words too. They need the hugs, the praise, the reassurance that they are loved unconditionally.
One grandmother I spoke with told me she regretted not being more physically affectionate with her sons. “I thought I was raising them to be tough,” she said. “But really, I was just teaching them to keep their emotions locked up.”
Our children won’t always be small enough to curl up in our laps. They won’t always reach for our hand in a crowded place. Those moments are fleeting, and many parents don’t realize how much they’ll miss them until they’re gone.
So if you’re reading this and your kids are still at home, let me encourage you: tell them you love them. Often. Hug them a little longer. Don’t assume they know—make sure they do.
A final thought
Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, and none of us get it completely right. The truth is, we’re all just doing the best we can with what we know at the time.
But perhaps that’s the point. These regrets aren’t meant to weigh us down with guilt. They’re meant to remind us that time moves faster than we think, and the choices we make today will echo for years to come.
So here’s my question for you: if you could look back from twenty years in the future, what would you want to do differently starting now?
