Being a grandparent is one of life’s greatest joys, but let me tell you—it’s also one of its trickiest balancing acts.
You want to be there for your grandchildren, to spoil them a little, to pass on your wisdom. But at the same time, you don’t want to step on your kids’ toes or undermine the parenting choices they’re making. It’s a delicate dance, and I’ll admit I’ve stumbled a few times myself.
The thing is, the relationship between grandparents and their adult children can get complicated quickly. What feels like helpful advice to you might feel like criticism to them. What seems like a loving gesture might come across as overstepping.
So how do we stay close to our grandchildren without crossing those invisible lines?
Here are seven approaches that have helped me navigate this beautiful, sometimes challenging role.
1) Ask before you advise
Here’s a truth that took me a while to accept: just because you’ve raised kids doesn’t mean you automatically have the right to weigh in on how your children are raising theirs.
I learned this lesson the hard way when I casually mentioned to my daughter that maybe her son didn’t need quite so many toys. I thought I was being helpful—sharing wisdom about simplicity and not spoiling kids. But what she heard was criticism of her parenting choices.
The reality? Unless your grandchild is in danger, most of your opinions should stay opinions until you’re asked for them.
Now, does this mean you can never share your thoughts? Of course not. But there’s a world of difference between saying “Have you considered trying this?” and “You should really be doing it this way.”
Try phrases like “Would you like to hear what worked for me?” or “I’m here if you ever want to talk through anything.” This gives your adult children the power to accept or decline your input without feeling judged or controlled.
2) Respect the house rules—even when you disagree
Let’s be honest: there are probably parenting decisions your kids make that you don’t fully understand or agree with.
Maybe they’re stricter about screen time than you think is necessary. Maybe they’ve gone organic with everything when you raised perfectly healthy kids on conventional food. Maybe they use different discipline approaches than what worked for you.
Here’s the thing—it doesn’t matter.
When you’re in their home or caring for their children, their rules are the rules. Full stop.
I’ve mentioned this before but maintaining family harmony means recognizing that your children get to parent their way, not your way. You had your turn. This is theirs.
Now, if you genuinely believe a rule is harmful, that’s a conversation worth having—privately and respectfully with your adult child. But disagreeing with organic snacks or specific bedtime routines? Let it go.
Your grandchildren will not suffer because they follow different rules at Grandma and Grandpa’s house than at home, as long as you’re consistent when they’re with you and respectful of their parents’ wishes.
3) Create your own special traditions
Want to know one of the best ways to build a strong bond with your grandchildren? Stop trying to replicate what their parents do and create something uniquely yours.
Every Sunday morning, my grandchildren know they can come over for pancakes. It’s our thing. Their parents don’t make pancakes the way I do, and that’s perfectly fine. It makes our time together special.
Maybe it’s a monthly movie afternoon, a standing ice cream date, or a particular game you only play together. These traditions give your grandchildren something to look forward to and create memories that belong just to you and them.
The beauty of having your own traditions is that you’re not competing with or undermining the parents—you’re complementing what they do. You’re adding to your grandchildren’s lives rather than trying to redirect them.
4) Be available, not overwhelming
There’s a difference between being present and being intrusive, and figuring out where that line sits can be tricky.
I make it clear to my kids that I’m always here if they need me—whether that’s for babysitting, advice, or just a listening ear. But I don’t drop by unannounced or call every single day expecting detailed updates about the grandkids.
Think of it this way: you want to be the steady presence they can count on, not the hovering force they need to manage.
As author Anne Lamott once wrote, “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” Sometimes the best thing you can do is give your adult children space to parent without feeling like Grandma and Grandpa are always watching over their shoulder.
Check in regularly, but don’t make them feel obligated to include you in everything. Let them come to you. Trust me, they will when they need you.
5) Offer help—don’t impose it
Picture this: your daughter mentions she’s feeling overwhelmed with work and the kids’ schedules. Your instinct might be to immediately jump in and start reorganizing her life.
Resist that urge.
Instead, ask: “What would be most helpful for you right now?” or “Would it help if I took the kids this Saturday so you can catch up?”
See the difference?
One approach assumes you know what they need. The other gives them agency to decide what kind of support would actually be useful.
Sometimes they need practical help—babysitting, meals, running errands. Other times they just need someone to listen and validate that parenting is hard. And occasionally, they need you to do nothing except trust that they’ve got it handled.
The key is making offers that they can easily decline without feeling guilty. “I’m free Tuesday if you’d like me to watch the kids” is better than “I’m coming over Tuesday to watch the kids.” Subtle difference, huge impact.
6) Listen more than you speak
If I could give you just one piece of advice about being a grandparent, it would be this: practice listening.
When your adult children share something about their kids—a challenge they’re facing, a milestone they’re celebrating, a decision they’re making—your first response shouldn’t be advice or stories about when you were a parent.
Your first response should be to truly hear them.
Ask questions. Show genuine curiosity. Let them process their thoughts out loud without jumping in to fix everything.
I’ve learned that sometimes when my daughter talks to me about parenting struggles, she’s not looking for solutions. She’s looking for someone who understands that raising kids is hard and that she’s doing her best.
There’s real wisdom in knowing when to speak and when to simply nod and say, “That sounds really tough. You’re handling it well.”
7) Remember your role—and embrace it
Here’s something that took me a while to fully grasp: I am not the parent anymore. I’m the grandparent. And that’s actually a wonderful thing.
My job isn’t to parent these children—it’s to love them, support them, and add joy to their lives. My job is also to support my own children as they navigate parenthood.
Being a grandparent means I get all the fun parts without carrying the full weight of responsibility. I can be the one who sneaks an extra cookie, who has time for endless games of hide and seek, who listens to rambling stories without needing to rush off to make dinner or enforce homework time.
But it also means stepping back when decisions need to be made, deferring to the parents, and accepting that their way might be different from my way—and that’s okay.
The research backs this up too. Studies show that supportive grandparent-grandchild relationships have significant benefits for children’s emotional development and wellbeing. But those benefits are maximized when grandparents and parents work together respectfully, not in competition or conflict.
Closing thoughts
The truth is, being a grandparent has taught me as much about letting go as it has about loving deeply.
I had my turn at making all the parenting decisions. Now it’s my children’s turn, and my role is to support them in that—not to take over or prove I know better.
Yes, I’ll make mistakes. I’ll probably overstep occasionally or hold my tongue when I desperately want to say something. But as long as I keep trying to respect boundaries while staying connected, I think we’ll all be just fine.
The relationship between grandparents, parents, and grandchildren works best when everyone feels respected and valued. When your adult children trust that you support their parenting rather than undermine it, they’re more likely to welcome your involvement.
So here’s my question for you: What boundaries do you need to work on respecting more, and what steps can you take today to strengthen your family relationships while honoring everyone’s needs?
