When my younger son sat me down five years ago and said, “Dad, every time we talk, I feel like you’re criticizing me,” I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. Here I was, thinking I was being helpful with my suggestions about his career, his parenting, his finances. Turns out, I was slowly pushing him away.
That conversation changed everything for me. And it made me realize how many parents in their 60s and 70s unknowingly damage their relationships with adult children, often permanently. We think we’re helping, but we’re actually creating walls that get harder to tear down with each passing year.
I’ve spent a lot of time since then observing my own behavior and talking with other parents my age. The patterns are surprisingly consistent. We make the same mistakes, thinking we’re being good parents, when really we’re treating our grown children like they’re still teenagers living under our roof.
1. Offering unsolicited advice constantly
This was my biggest wake-up call. Every phone call, every visit, I’d pepper my sons with “helpful” suggestions. “Have you considered refinancing?” “That’s not how I’d discipline the kids.” “You really should be saving more for retirement.”
After that difficult conversation with my younger son, I made a simple rule: no advice unless specifically asked. You know what happened? Our conversations became actual conversations. He started calling more often. And here’s the kicker: he actually started asking for my opinion on things that mattered.
The truth is, our adult children already know what we think. They’ve heard our opinions for decades. What they need from us now is support, not a running commentary on their life choices.
2. Refusing to apologize for past mistakes
I pushed my older son toward engineering because it “made sense on paper.” Good money, job security, prestige. He spent four miserable years in college and another three in a job he hated before finally switching to teaching. It took me years to accept I’d been wrong, and even longer to actually say those words to him.
When I finally apologized, specifically and genuinely, for pushing him into something that wasn’t right for him, it opened a door I didn’t even know was closed. He started sharing more about his life, his dreams, his struggles. That apology cost me nothing but my pride, and it gave me back my son.
If you’re sitting there thinking, “But I did what I thought was best,” you’re right. We all did. But that doesn’t mean we didn’t hurt our children along the way. Acknowledging specific mistakes shows them we see them as adults worthy of an apology, not just kids who should accept whatever we did because we’re the parents.
3. Using guilt as a weapon
“I guess you’re too busy to call your mother.” “We won’t be around forever, you know.” “Your brother manages to visit every month.”
Sound familiar? I’ve caught myself using variations of these guilt trips more times than I care to admit. But guilt is relationship poison. It might get you a reluctant phone call or visit, but it won’t get you a genuine connection.
Our adult children have jobs, kids, mortgages, and their own overwhelming to-do lists. When we guilt them into spending time with us, we become another obligation instead of a source of joy and support. I’ve learned that saying, “Call when you can, I love hearing from you” gets me more genuine contact than any guilt trip ever did.
4. Refusing to accept their spouse or partner
This is where pride really costs us. Maybe their partner isn’t who we pictured for them. Maybe they have different values, come from a different background, or just rub us the wrong way. But here’s what I’ve learned: when you reject their partner, you reject them.
I’ve watched friends lose their children entirely because they couldn’t bite their tongue about a daughter-in-law or son-in-law. Your child chose this person. They see something in them that makes them happy. Isn’t that what we wanted for them all along?
5. Playing favorites with grandchildren
This one’s subtle but devastating. Maybe one grandchild is easier to connect with, or lives closer, or reminds us of ourselves. But showing favoritism creates resentment that can last generations.
I make a conscious effort to remember each grandchild’s interests, to spend equal time when possible, and to avoid comparisons. “Why can’t you be more like your cousin?” might seem harmless, but it creates divisions that can damage not just our relationship with our children, but their relationships with each other.
6. Dismissing their parenting choices
“We didn’t have car seats like that and you survived.” “A little TV never hurt anyone.” “In my day, kids played outside until dark.”
Every generation thinks the next is doing it wrong. But undermining our children’s parenting choices, especially in front of the grandkids, is a fast track to limited access to those grandchildren. They’re the parents now. Their rules matter more than our opinions.
I’ve learned to ask, “How would you like me to handle this?” instead of assuming I know best. It shows respect for their role as parents and actually brings us closer together.
7. Refusing to adapt to changing times
The world our children live in is fundamentally different from the one we raised them in. When we refuse to acknowledge this, when we insist that our way is the only way, we become irrelevant to their lives.
This means learning to text if that’s how they communicate. It means understanding that both parents might work full-time out of necessity, not choice. It means accepting that mental health struggles are real, not just “having a bad day.”
I had a years-long falling out with my brother because we were both too stubborn to adapt, too proud to bend. Those are years I’ll never get back. I refuse to make the same mistake with my children.
Closing thoughts
The hardest part about all of this? Recognizing that our role has fundamentally changed. We’re not the teachers anymore; we’re the students, learning who our children have become. We’re not the decision-makers; we’re the supporters, cheering from the sidelines.
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in some of these mistakes, you’re already ahead of the game. It’s never too late to change course. I started at 65, and while I can’t undo the past, I can make sure the future is different.
What’s one thing you could stop doing today that might bring you closer to your adult children?
