When you’re raising little ones, they tell you everything. Every scraped knee, every playground drama, every “I love you, Mama” comes tumbling out without hesitation. But something shifts when they grow up, doesn’t it?
My older brother called me last week, and we got to talking about our mom. He mentioned how he’d never really told her how much she meant to him, even though he thinks about it all the time. It hit me hard because I realize I’m the same way with my own parents. We show love differently as adults, especially in families like mine where emotional openness wasn’t exactly the norm growing up.
If you’re wondering whether your grown child actually values everything you’ve done for them, you’re not alone. Those verbal affirmations might be rare, but there are other signs that speak just as loudly. After reflecting on my relationship with my parents and watching how other adult children interact with theirs, I’ve noticed some powerful indicators that respect runs deep, even when the words don’t flow freely.
1. They seek your advice on big decisions
Remember when they were teenagers and asking for your opinion was the last thing they’d do? If your adult child comes to you when they’re facing major life choices, that’s huge.
It might not be a formal sit-down conversation. Maybe they casually mention they’re thinking about changing careers while you’re washing dishes together. Or they text you about whether that apartment seems like a good deal. These moments show they value your wisdom and life experience.
My parents were skeptical of my “hippie parenting” choices at first, but I still found myself calling my mom when I was deciding whether to try cloth diapers. Why? Because despite our different approaches, I deeply respect her judgment. Your adult child asking for input means they see you as someone worth listening to, even if they don’t always follow your exact advice.
2. They make time for you despite busy schedules
Life gets crazy when you’re juggling work, relationships, maybe kids of your own. If your adult child consistently carves out time for you, that’s respect in action.
This doesn’t mean weekly dinners or long phone calls. Maybe it’s a quick coffee date squeezed between meetings. A text checking in during their lunch break. Bringing the grandkids over even when they’re exhausted. These choices show you’re a priority, not an obligation.
I watch friends who claim they “have to” visit their parents, and it’s completely different from those who genuinely want to be there. When someone respects you, spending time together feels natural, not forced. They might be tired or stressed, but they show up anyway because your relationship matters to them.
3. They’ve adopted some of your values (even if they expressed them differently)
Growing up, we didn’t have much money, but we always had a garden and homemade meals. I rebelled against this in college, living on takeout and convenience foods. But look at me now, teaching my kids to grow tomatoes and making bread from scratch.
Your adult child might not live exactly like you do, but watch for the underlying values shining through. Maybe you taught them to be generous, and now they volunteer regularly. You emphasized education, and they’re passionate about learning new skills. You showed them the importance of family, and they’re creating those bonds in their own unique way.
The expression might look different from what you imagined. They might practice your values of kindness and service through environmental activism instead of church involvement. But when those core principles you instilled show up in their adult lives, that’s profound respect for what you taught them.
4. They set boundaries with you respectfully
This one might feel counterintuitive, but hear me out. When your adult child can tell you “no” or express their needs clearly while still being kind, they’re showing deep respect for both you and the relationship.
It’s actually easier to avoid difficult conversations or just go along with things resentfully. But when someone cares enough to say, “Mom, I love you, but we can’t make it to Sunday dinner every week,” they’re investing in a sustainable, honest relationship with you.
I’m working on creating more emotional openness in my family than I experienced growing up. Sometimes this means gently pushing back on my parents’ suggestions or explaining why we do things differently. These conversations aren’t always comfortable, but they come from a place of wanting our relationship to be genuine and lasting.
5. They share their real struggles with you
Does your adult child let you see them when they’re not perfect? When they tell you about their marriage troubles, work stress, or parenting challenges, they’re showing tremendous trust and respect.
Think about it. As adults, we can usually hide our problems from our parents if we want to. We can put on a happy face during visits and keep conversations surface-level. But when someone respects you enough to be vulnerable, to admit they don’t have it all figured out, that’s incredibly meaningful.
They might not say “I respect your opinion,” but asking “What would you do?” when they’re struggling speaks volumes. They see you as someone safe, wise, and worthy of knowing their true self.
6. They defend you to others
You might never hear about these moments, but they happen. When someone criticizes their parents or makes assumptions about how they were raised, adult children who respect their parents speak up.
This doesn’t mean they pretend you were perfect. But they provide context, share the good alongside the challenging, and don’t let others disrespect you in their presence. “My mom did the best she could with what she knew then” or “My dad worked three jobs to keep us fed” are phrases that show understanding and appreciation for your journey as a parent.
7. They’re breaking negative cycles while honoring the positive
Every generation tries to do better than the last. If your adult child is working to heal family patterns while still maintaining a relationship with you, that’s actually a sign of deep respect.
They might be addressing things like emotional availability, communication styles, or approaches to discipline that they want to change. But instead of cutting you off or blaming you for everything, they’re doing the work while still honoring what you did right.
I see this in my own journey. I’m creating different patterns around emotional expression than what I grew up with, but I’m also passing on the beautiful traditions my parents gave me: the gardens, the homemade meals, the value of hard work and creativity.
Closing thoughts
Respect between adult children and their parents doesn’t always look like greeting cards and gushing declarations. Sometimes it’s quieter, showing up in everyday choices and subtle gestures.
If you recognize some of these signs in your relationship with your adult child, trust that the respect is there, even if the words aren’t. And if you’re an adult child reading this, maybe it’s time to let your parents know what they mean to you, in whatever way feels authentic.
The relationship between adult children and their parents is complex, layered with history and growth and change. But when respect exists at its core, it can weather all of that and become something beautiful and sustaining for both generations.
