Like so many parents, I spend way too much time second-guessing myself when it comes to my relationship with my adult sons.
Did I handle that conversation right? Should I have offered to help with their kids more? Am I calling too often, or not enough? The worry list goes on and on, especially when you’re trying to navigate this strange new territory of being a parent to grown-ups with their own families.
Here’s what I’ve learned though: we’re often doing better than we think. After years of stumbling through this transition from raising kids to relating to adults, I’ve noticed that healthy parent-adult child relationships share certain signs. And chances are, if you’re reading this and worrying about your relationship, you’re probably already hitting more of these marks than you realize.
1. They actually pick up the phone (or respond to texts)
This might sound basic, but think about it. If your adult child is willing to communicate with you regularly—even if it’s just a quick text or a five-minute call—that’s a win.
My two sons communicate differently. One calls weekly for long chats about everything from work stress to his toddler’s latest antics. The other? He’s more of a sporadic texter who sends photos of his kids and the occasional “thinking of you.” For years, I worried this meant something was wrong with our relationship.
But here’s what I finally understood: they’re both choosing to stay connected. Neither feels obligated to maintain some perfect communication schedule. They reach out because they want to, not because they have to. And that voluntary connection? That’s what healthy looks like.
2. They share real problems, not just highlight reels
Remember when your kids were little and told you everything? Then the teenage years hit, and suddenly you were the last to know anything?
Well, if your adult child is sharing their actual struggles with you—relationship troubles, work stress, parenting challenges—congratulations. You’ve created a safe space where they feel comfortable being vulnerable. This doesn’t happen in relationships where judgment runs high or unsolicited advice flows freely.
I learned this lesson the hard way. My younger son once told me that my constant stream of “helpful suggestions” felt like criticism. That stung, but it opened my eyes. Now when either son shares a problem, my first response is usually, “That sounds tough. How are you handling it?” Amazing how much more they share when they know I’m listening, not waiting to jump in with solutions.
3. They set boundaries (and you respect them)
This one might surprise you, but adult children who feel comfortable setting boundaries with their parents often have the healthiest relationships with them.
Maybe they’ve asked you not to drop by without calling first. Or they’ve requested you don’t discuss certain topics. Perhaps they’ve set limits on how much they share about their marriage or their parenting choices.
If this is happening in your relationship, take heart. It means they trust you enough to be honest about their needs, and they believe you’ll respect those needs. They’re not cutting you out; they’re defining the terms of your adult relationship. That’s actually a sign of maturity and trust on both sides.
4. You can disagree without drama
Can you and your adult child have different opinions about politics, parenting, lifestyle choices, or career decisions without it turning into World War Three?
If you can navigate disagreements without threats, guilt trips, or weeks of silent treatment, you’re doing something right. Healthy adult relationships allow for different viewpoints. You don’t have to agree with every choice your child makes, and they don’t need your approval for everything anymore.
What matters is that you can express your thoughts (when asked), listen to theirs, and then move forward without resentment.
5. They include you in their lives by choice
Do your adult children invite you to things? Not out of obligation for major holidays, but genuinely want you there for random Saturday barbecues, their kid’s soccer games, or just a casual dinner?
This voluntary inclusion is golden. It means they enjoy your company as a person, not just tolerate you as a parent. They’re choosing to blend you into their adult life, which only happens when the relationship feels good to them.
One of my sons recently invited me to join him and his kids at the park on a random Tuesday afternoon. No special occasion, just “thought you might enjoy getting out with us.” Those spontaneous invitations mean more than any obligatory holiday dinner ever could.
6. They’ve forgiven your parenting mistakes
This is a big one. Have you been able to have honest conversations about things you got wrong when they were growing up? And more importantly, have they been able to move past those mistakes?
I remember the day I apologized to both my sons for specific things I’d gotten wrong—being too harsh about grades with one, not being emotionally available enough for the other. Those conversations were uncomfortable, but they opened doors that staying defensive would have kept locked forever.
If your adult child can acknowledge your imperfections while still maintaining a relationship with you, that’s incredibly healthy. It means they see you as a flawed human who did their best, rather than holding you to impossible standards or nursing old wounds.
7. The relationship has evolved beyond parent-child
Perhaps the strongest sign of a healthy relationship with your adult child is when it starts to feel less like parent-child and more like a friendship between adults who happen to be related.
You’re not trying to parent them anymore, and they’re not rebelling against or seeking your constant approval. Instead, you’ve found this comfortable space where you can enjoy each other’s company, share mutual interests, and support each other through life’s ups and downs.
My relationship with each of my sons is different, but both have evolved into something I never expected—genuine friendships with two men I deeply respect. Sure, I’m still their dad, and that never changes. But now I’m also someone they choose to spend time with, confide in, and turn to not because they need a parent, but because they value our relationship.
Closing thoughts
If you recognized your relationship in even half of these signs, you’re doing better than you think. Parenting adult children is completely different from raising young ones, and there’s no handbook for this transition.
We’re all figuring it out as we go, making mistakes, adjusting, and hopefully growing into these new roles. The fact that you’re even thinking about the health of your relationship with your adult child shows you care enough to get it right.
So maybe it’s time to give yourself some credit. Your adult child is still in your life, still communicating, still working through this complicated dance of adult relationships with you. That’s not a small thing.
What signs of health do you see in your own relationship that I might have missed?
