Listen, I love my parents. They’ve been incredible grandparents to my kids, showing up with endless love and those special treats only grandparents seem to have stashed away.
But last week, when my mom handed my 2-year-old his third cookie before lunch while saying “grandma’s house, grandma’s rules,” I realized we needed to have another conversation about boundaries.
If you’re navigating the delicate dance between honoring your parents and protecting your parenting choices, you’re not alone. After countless playdates, family dinners, and holiday gatherings, I’ve noticed patterns that make both kids and parents quietly uncomfortable. These aren’t deal-breakers, but they’re the little things that add up, creating tension where there should be connection.
Here’s what I’ve learned our kids secretly wish their grandparents would dial back on, based on conversations with other parents and watching my own little ones navigate these relationships.
1. Undermining parents’ rules with “special exceptions”
We’ve all been there, right? You spend weeks establishing a bedtime routine, only to have it blown up by “just this once” at grandma’s house. My daughter came home from a sleepover recently and announced she doesn’t need to brush her teeth every night because “grandpa said his teeth are fine and he skips sometimes.”
The mixed messages confuse kids and honestly? They stress them out. Children actually crave consistency, even when they’re begging for that extra scoop of ice cream. When grandparents constantly override parental decisions, kids learn to play adults against each other instead of respecting boundaries.
What helps? I’ve started framing our family rules as “keeping everyone healthy and happy” rather than arbitrary restrictions. This way, grandparents feel less like they’re following orders and more like they’re part of the wellness team.
2. Forcing physical affection
“Give grandma a kiss!” How many times have we heard this at the end of family visits? I watch my son’s body language completely change when he’s told he has to hug someone goodbye, even family members he adores.
Teaching consent starts early, and kids need to know their body boundaries are respected by everyone, especially the adults they trust most. My daughter is naturally affectionate, but even she has moments where she’d rather wave than hug. Honoring that teaches her that her comfort matters.
Instead of mandatory hugs, we offer choices: “Would you like to give grandpa a hug, a high-five, or blow him a kiss?” This small shift has made goodbyes so much smoother and actually increased spontaneous affection from both kids.
3. Comparing grandchildren to each other
During a recent family dinner, I overheard my mom telling my daughter how her cousin “always finishes everything on her plate.” My heart sank watching my little one’s face fall as she looked at her half-eaten dinner.
Comparisons, even well-intentioned ones, plant seeds of competition and inadequacy. Every child develops at their own pace and has their own strengths. When grandparents constantly measure grandkids against each other, it creates rivalry instead of cousin friendships.
Kids pick up on these comparisons more than we realize. They internalize them, and suddenly family gatherings become performance evaluations rather than joyful reunions.
4. Dismissing feelings with “you’re okay”
Last month at the playground, my son took a tumble and started crying. Before I could reach him, my dad had already scooped him up saying, “You’re fine, you’re fine, big boys don’t cry about little falls.”
When we dismiss children’s emotions, we teach them not to trust their own feelings. That scraped knee might not require an emergency room visit, but the fear and surprise are real emotions that deserve acknowledgment.
What works better? Acknowledging the feeling while assessing the situation: “That looked scary! Let me see where it hurts.” This validates their experience while still maintaining calm.
5. Overloading them with gifts and treats
Do your parents’ house look like a toy store exploded? Mine does. Every visit involves at least three new toys, usually plastic things that break within days. The sugar situation is even more intense.
Beyond the obvious issues with overconsumption, this creates an association between love and material things. Kids start expecting gifts every time they see grandparents, and regular visits become less about connection and more about what they’ll receive.
We’ve started suggesting experience gifts instead: a trip to the farmers market, help building a fort, or teaching them to bake grandma’s famous bread. These create memories without cluttering our home or sending kids into sugar spirals.
6. Living through their achievements
When my daughter started showing interest in art, my mom immediately enrolled her in three different art classes and bought enough supplies to stock a classroom. The pressure transformed something fun into something stressful.
Kids need space to explore interests without the weight of adult expectations. When grandparents become overly invested in achievements, hobbies become obligations. That natural curiosity gets replaced with performance anxiety.
Sometimes the best support is simply being present. Sitting beside them while they draw, asking about their creations without suggesting improvements, just being interested without being invested in the outcome.
7. Sharing their information without permission
Found out through Facebook that my mom had posted photos of my kids at the beach, including location tags and full names in the comments. The privacy violation aside, she’d shared a story about my daughter’s fear of water that I knew would mortify her if she knew.
Kids deserve privacy too. When grandparents share every milestone, mistake, and vulnerable moment on social media, they’re creating a digital footprint without consent. Those “funny” stories about potty training disasters? They live on the internet forever.
We’ve established a simple rule: ask before posting. This includes stories, photos, and even mentioning the kids in comments. It respects their privacy and models consent in the digital age.
8. Insisting they’re “too sensitive” about modern parenting
“We didn’t have car seats and you survived!” If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a variation of this, I could fund those organic groceries my parents think are unnecessary.
When grandparents dismiss current parenting practices as overprotective or trendy, they undermine parental authority and create confusion for kids. Yes, many of us survived childhood without certain safety measures, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t use better information when we have it.
Whether it’s screen time limits, food choices, or safety standards, dismissing these concerns as “helicopter parenting” creates an adversarial dynamic. Kids sense this tension and feel caught in the middle.
Finding the balance
Here’s what I’ve learned: most grandparents aren’t trying to undermine or cause problems. They’re often operating from love, nostalgia, and their own experiences of what worked. The gap between generations isn’t just about different parenting philosophies; it’s about different worlds.
Opening conversations with curiosity rather than criticism has helped tremendously. “Help me understand why you see it that way” works better than “You need to stop doing that.” Sometimes, explaining the why behind our parenting choices helps grandparents become allies rather than obstacles.
Remember, our kids are watching how we handle these conflicts. They’re learning about boundaries, respect, and how to navigate disagreements with people we love. Those lessons might be even more valuable than perfect adherence to any parenting philosophy.
The goal isn’t to cut grandparents out or create rigid rules that squeeze the joy from these relationships. It’s about finding that sweet spot where grandparents can be their wonderful, indulgent selves while still respecting the family structure we’re building. Sometimes that means picking battles, sometimes it means standing firm, and sometimes it means recognizing that a little grandparent magic, even when it bends our rules, might be exactly what our kids need.
