First impressions form faster than you think.
Within seconds of meeting someone, they’ve already made dozens of judgments about you based on your energy, your body language, and yes, your words.
Those first few minutes of conversation are critical. They set the tone for everything that follows. Get it right, and you open the door to genuine connection. Get it wrong, and you might never get a second chance to show who you really are.
The problem is that nervousness, eagerness to connect, or simple social autopilot can lead us to say things that create distance instead of connection. Things that might seem harmless in the moment but subtly signal that we’re not quite present, not quite safe, or not quite someone worth getting to know.
Here are eight things you should absolutely avoid saying in those crucial first five minutes.
1) “What do you do for work?”
This is probably the most common first question people ask, and it’s also one of the most limiting.
When you lead with someone’s job, you’re essentially asking them to define themselves by their professional identity. You’re putting them in a box before you’ve even gotten to know them as a person.
Not everyone has a job they want to talk about. Some people are between positions. Others work jobs that don’t define them or that they’re actively trying to leave. Some have complicated relationships with their careers.
This question also assumes that work is the most interesting thing about a person, which is rarely true. It makes the interaction feel transactional rather than genuine, like you’re collecting data points instead of actually connecting.
There are so many better questions. What they’re passionate about. What they do for fun. What brought them to this place or event. Anything that invites them to share something real rather than defaulting to their resume.
2) “Sorry, I’m terrible with names”
If you didn’t catch their name when they introduced themselves, that happens. But immediately apologizing for being bad with names sends the wrong message.
What you’re actually communicating is “I wasn’t fully present when you told me who you are” or “I probably won’t remember this later either.” Neither creates confidence or connection.
It also puts the other person in an awkward position. Do they repeat their name? Do they reassure you it’s fine? Either way, the focus has shifted from connecting to managing your stated inadequacy.
If you genuinely didn’t catch their name, a simple “I’m sorry, what was your name again?” is direct and fine. But framing it as a character flaw you’re warning them about creates unnecessary distance.
Pay attention when people introduce themselves. Use their name once in conversation. That’s all it takes to show you were actually listening.
3) “You look tired” or other comments about their appearance
Comments about how someone looks, especially observations about them seeming tired, stressed, or different from expectations, are almost never received well.
Even if you mean it sympathetically, telling someone they look tired essentially tells them they look bad. And they can’t do anything about it in that moment except feel self-conscious.
The same goes for “you look different than your photo” or “you’re taller than I expected” or any other observation about their physical presence. These comments make people hyper-aware of being evaluated and judged on their appearance.
It shifts the energy from connection to self-consciousness. Instead of being present in the conversation, they’re now thinking about how they look and what other judgments you might be making.
Keep appearance observations to yourself unless you’re offering a genuine compliment about something they clearly put effort into, like “that’s a great jacket” or “I love your style.”
4) Complaints about your day, your ex, or your problems
Leading with negativity in the first five minutes is one of the fastest ways to make someone want to exit the conversation.
When you immediately start complaining about traffic, your terrible day, your difficult boss, or your recent breakup, you’re dumping emotional weight on someone who just met you.
This creates an imbalanced dynamic. They don’t know you well enough to hold space for your struggles, but they also don’t want to seem uncaring by not responding. So they’re stuck awkwardly trying to empathize with problems they have no context for.
Negativity also colors how they perceive you going forward. First impressions are powerful. If the first thing they associate with you is complaining, that’s hard to shake.
Save the venting for after you’ve established some rapport. Lead with curiosity and openness instead of using a stranger as an emotional dumping ground.
5) “I’m not good at this” or other self-deprecating disclaimers
Nervousness makes people do strange things, and one common pattern is preemptively apologizing for yourself before you’ve even had a chance to be yourself.
“I’m terrible at small talk.” “I’m really awkward at these things.” “Sorry, I’m not great with people.” These disclaimers might feel like you’re being honest or lowering expectations, but what you’re actually doing is making the other person manage your insecurity.
It puts them in the position of having to reassure you that it’s fine, that you’re doing okay, that they don’t think you’re awkward. That’s emotional labor they didn’t sign up for.
It also creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you announce that you’re bad at something, you’re more likely to actually be bad at it because you’ve primed both of you to focus on your inadequacy.
Show up as yourself. If you’re nervous, that’s normal and you don’t need to announce it. Let the conversation unfold without pre-judging yourself.
6) Controversial opinions about politics, religion, or hot-button issues
There’s a time and place for deep conversations about values, beliefs, and political views. The first five minutes of meeting someone is not that time.
Leading with controversial opinions doesn’t make you seem brave or authentic. It makes you seem tone-deaf to social context and uninterested in finding common ground before diving into divisiveness.
You have no idea what this person’s background is, what they believe, or what experiences have shaped their worldview. Launching into your opinions on charged topics before you’ve established any rapport is a gamble that rarely pays off.
Even if you happen to agree, starting with controversy sets a combative tone. It signals that you’re more interested in being right or provocative than in actual connection.
There are infinite topics to explore that don’t risk immediately alienating someone. Save the deeper values conversations for after you’ve established some trust and context.
7) “You remind me of someone” followed by elaborate comparisons
Comparing someone to your ex, your friend, your coworker, or a celebrity within minutes of meeting them is jarring.
It signals that you’re not seeing them as an individual. You’re filtering them through the lens of someone else, which means you’re not actually present with who they are right now.
Even if the comparison seems flattering, it creates distance. Nobody wants to be immediately slotted into someone else’s mental filing system of people they remind you of.
It also often leads to weird tangents about the person they supposedly resemble, which means the conversation is now about someone who isn’t even there instead of the person in front of you.
Let people be themselves without immediately categorizing them based on who they remind you of. Meet them fresh, without overlaying past relationships or associations onto them.
8) Anything that sounds like you’re interviewing or interrogating them
There’s a difference between showing interest and conducting an interrogation. Some people, especially when nervous, default to rapid-fire questions without offering anything of themselves.
“Where are you from? What do you do? Are you married? Do you have kids? How long have you lived here?” Firing questions at someone without pause or reciprocity makes them feel like they’re being interviewed for a position rather than having a conversation.
Real dialogue involves exchange. You share something, they share something, you build off each other’s responses. It’s a flow, not a one-sided information extraction.
If you catch yourself asking multiple questions in a row without contributing anything about yourself or responding meaningfully to their answers, pause. Comment on something they said. Share something related from your own experience. Let it feel like a conversation instead of an interrogation.
Conclusion
First impressions matter, but not in the way most people think.
It’s not about having the perfect opening line or appearing impressive. It’s about being present, curious, and genuinely interested in the person in front of you without immediately creating awkwardness or distance.
The things to avoid in those first five minutes all share something in common: they shift focus away from authentic connection. They make the interaction about judgment, about managing discomfort, about collecting information, or about dumping negativity.
What actually creates connection is simpler than most people realize. Show up present. Ask genuine questions and actually listen to the answers. Share things that invite reciprocity rather than requiring emotional management. Be curious without being invasive. Be yourself without apologizing for it.
Those first five minutes aren’t about performing. They’re about creating space for a real human connection to begin. And that starts with avoiding the conversational landmines that inadvertently push people away before you’ve even had a chance to let them in.
