Some relationships feel difficult from the start. Others begin beautifully, then slowly unravel into something unrecognizable.
The most turbulent ones share common patterns.
When you look back at your most exhausting, confusing, emotionally draining relationship, chances are the person displayed specific traits that created that chaos.
These aren’t personality quirks or minor incompatibilities. They’re markers that psychology has identified as creating particularly unstable, harmful dynamics.
Understanding these traits doesn’t erase the pain of having experienced them.
But it can help you recognize patterns earlier and protect yourself from repeating them.
1) He oscillates wildly between idealizing and devaluing you
In the beginning, he thinks you’re perfect. You’re everything he’s ever wanted. He’s never felt this way before. The intensity is intoxicating.
Then something shifts. Suddenly, you can’t do anything right. The qualities he once adored now irritate him. He’s critical, cold, even cruel. You’re confused because you haven’t changed, but his perception of you has completely flipped.
Then, just as suddenly, you’re perfect again. The cycle repeats, leaving you constantly off-balance, never knowing which version of you he’ll see tomorrow.
This pattern, where someone swings between extreme idealization and devaluation, creates profound instability. You’re always trying to get back to that initial pedestal, changing yourself to avoid the criticism, walking on eggshells to maintain his approval.
The turbulence comes from never having solid ground. You can’t build trust or security when the foundation keeps shifting beneath you.
2) He has an insecure attachment style that creates push-pull dynamics
Research reveals a significant relationship between narcissism and insecure attachment styles, particularly fearful attachment that combines craving connection with fearing it.
This creates the classic push-pull dynamic. He wants closeness, so he pulls you in with intensity and promises. But once you’re close, intimacy feels threatening, so he pushes you away with distance, criticism, or withdrawal.
You’re left confused about what he actually wants. Does he love you or not? Is he committed or not? The answer is both, simultaneously, which creates constant chaos.
You chase during the push phases, trying to restore connection. You feel smothered during the pull phases, overwhelmed by demands or intensity. Neither of you can find a sustainable middle ground.
This attachment pattern makes stable, secure relationships nearly impossible. The turbulence is built into how he relates to closeness itself.
3) He needs constant admiration and validation from you
His self-esteem depends entirely on external validation. He needs you to constantly affirm how amazing, talented, attractive, or successful he is. Your role becomes managing his ego rather than being an equal partner.
When you provide the admiration he needs, things are good. When you’re too tired, too busy, or too focused on your own needs to stroke his ego, he becomes angry, withdrawn, or seeks validation elsewhere.
You find yourself carefully calibrating your responses. Praising him even when he doesn’t deserve it. Prioritizing his feelings over your own authentic reactions. Walking on eggshells about anything that might be perceived as criticism.
The turbulence comes from the exhaustion of this dynamic. Relationships require mutual support, but this becomes one-directional. You’re constantly giving, and he’s constantly needing, with no reciprocity.
Eventually, you have nothing left to give, or you stop being authentic because authenticity threatens his fragile ego. Either way, the relationship becomes unsustainable.
4) He lacks genuine empathy for your feelings and experiences
He can’t really understand or care about your emotional experience unless it directly affects him. When you’re hurt, he makes it about how your hurt inconveniences him. When you’re struggling, he gets frustrated that you’re not available to meet his needs.
Antagonistic traits such as entitlement, manipulation, and lack of empathy lie at the core of narcissism, explaining the interpersonal difficulties these traits create.
This doesn’t mean he never seems empathetic. He can perform empathy when it serves him or when the emotional cost is low. But sustained, genuine care for your inner world is absent.
You find yourself downplaying your needs or struggles to avoid burdening him. You stop sharing your authentic feelings because his responses make you feel worse, not better. The relationship becomes lonely even when you’re together.
Turbulence arises because relationships require emotional reciprocity. Without empathy, conflicts never resolve properly. Your pain goes unacknowledged. Your needs remain unmet. The resentment builds until the relationship collapses under the weight of accumulated hurt.
5) He engages in manipulative behaviors to maintain control
He uses tactics that keep you off-balance and dependent. Gaslighting where he denies your reality. Triangulation where he compares you unfavorably to others or creates jealousy. Silent treatments that punish you for perceived slights.
He moves goalposts constantly. You try to meet his stated needs, but the needs change. You try to fix what he says is wrong, but then something else becomes the problem. You can never quite succeed in making him happy.
These aren’t occasional mistakes or rough patches. They’re patterns that serve a function: keeping you focused on earning his approval, keeping you insecure enough that you won’t leave, keeping you too confused to recognize what’s happening.
The turbulence is intentional, even if not consciously calculated. Stable relationships where you feel secure and valued would threaten his control. Chaos keeps you striving, which keeps you engaged and compliant.
6) He has extreme reactions that feel disproportionate to situations
Minor issues trigger major explosions. You forget to text back quickly enough, and he rages about your lack of respect. You’re tired and want to stay home instead of going out, and he accuses you of not caring about the relationship.
Conversely, genuinely serious issues get minimized. You express hurt about something meaningful, and he dismisses it as you being too sensitive or dramatic.
Psychology shows that those with antagonistic attachment styles view relationships as struggles for dominance, leading to emotional oppression and violation to maintain feelings of power and control.
You never know what will set him off. You live in constant vigilance, trying to anticipate and prevent his reactions. The energy you spend managing his emotions leaves nothing for your own wellbeing.
The turbulence comes from unpredictability. You can’t relax, can’t be authentic, can’t have normal ups and downs because his extreme reactions turn everything into a crisis.
7) He takes no real accountability for his behaviors
When conflicts arise, they’re always somehow your fault. If he yells, it’s because you provoked him. If he cheats, it’s because you didn’t meet his needs. If he lies, it’s because you made him feel like he couldn’t tell the truth.
He might offer superficial apologies to end arguments, but the same patterns repeat. There’s no genuine remorse, no changed behavior, no acknowledgment of impact.
This makes growth impossible. Healthy relationships involve both people recognizing their contributions to problems and working to change harmful patterns. But if he can’t take accountability, nothing improves.
You find yourself apologizing for his behavior. Taking responsibility for his feelings. Changing yourself to accommodate his patterns. The relationship becomes increasingly one-sided as you do all the adjusting while he does none.
The turbulence becomes permanent because without accountability, there’s no foundation for repair. Each hurt piles on the last with no resolution, until the relationship is just accumulated pain with no counterbalance of genuine healing.
Conclusion
If you’ve been in a relationship with someone who displayed most or all of these traits, you know exactly how turbulent it was. The constant chaos, the emotional whiplash, the feeling of never quite being able to stabilize things no matter how hard you tried.
These relationships are exhausting by design. The traits create dynamics that prevent the security, reciprocity, and trust that stable relationships require.
Understanding this isn’t about vilifying anyone or excusing your own contributions to relationship problems. It’s about recognizing patterns that psychology has identified as particularly harmful, so you can protect yourself from entering or staying in similarly turbulent dynamics in the future.
You deserved better. You still deserve better. And recognizing these traits is the first step toward choosing relationships that offer stability, respect, and genuine partnership instead of constant turbulence.
