You know what I’ve noticed lately during my morning coffee runs? When I bump into other folks my age, our conversations often drift to the same territory—our adult kids. And there’s this undercurrent of hurt that runs through so many of these chats, though nobody quite knows how to address it.
After three decades in human resources, I thought I’d seen every type of relationship challenge. But nothing quite prepared me for the complexity of navigating relationships with my own adult sons, now both in their thirties with families of their own.
The truth is, what feels like normal adult behavior to our grown children can sometimes leave us parents feeling forgotten, dismissed, or even heartbroken.
I’ve been on both sides of this fence, and I’ve learned that understanding these patterns can help heal relationships before they drift too far apart. So let’s talk about the seven things adult children do that feel completely normal to them but can quietly devastate their aging parents.
1) Going weeks without calling or texting
In today’s world of constant connectivity, our adult children are in touch with their friends, coworkers, and social media followers all day long. To them, not calling Mom or Dad for three weeks feels like nothing—time just flies when you’re juggling work, kids, and life.
But for us parents? Those weeks can feel like months. We remember when they used to tell us everything, and now we’re lucky to get a five-minute phone call between their meetings. We sit there wondering if we did something wrong, if they’re okay, if they still care.
Here’s what I’ve learned: they genuinely don’t realize how much those quick check-ins mean to us. To them, no news is good news. To us, no news is worry.
2) Making major life decisions without asking for input
Remember when they wouldn’t pick a college major without discussing it endlessly with us? Now they’re switching careers, moving across the country, or making huge financial decisions, and we find out after the fact—sometimes through Facebook.
They see this as being independent adults, which of course they are. But we see it as being cut out of their lives. We don’t need to control their decisions (okay, maybe we need to work on that sometimes), but being asked for our thoughts makes us feel valued and included.
3) Treating visits like obligations
“We should probably go see Mom and Dad this weekend.”
If you could hear how your adult children sometimes talk about visiting you, it might break your heart a little. What feels to them like responsibly fitting family time into a packed schedule can feel to us like we’ve become another item on their to-do list.
They check their phones constantly during visits, keep one eye on the clock, and sometimes seem relieved when it’s time to leave. They don’t mean to hurt us—they’re just overwhelmed with their own responsibilities. But we remember when they couldn’t wait to spend time with us, and the contrast stings.
4) Dismissing our advice as outdated
This one hits particularly hard. We’ve lived through decades of experiences, navigated challenges they’re just beginning to face, and genuinely want to help. But when we offer advice, we often get that look—you know the one—followed by “Things are different now, Dad” or “That’s not how it works anymore, Mom.”
Sure, the world has changed. I’ll be the first to admit that some of my advice from my human resources days doesn’t apply to today’s workplace. But wisdom about relationships, perseverance, and life? That doesn’t expire. When our insights are brushed aside, it feels like our entire life experience is being deemed irrelevant.
5) Forgetting important dates and traditions
Your birthday passes with a belated text. The family recipe you taught them gets replaced with something they found online. The annual traditions you held sacred slowly fade away because “it’s just too complicated to coordinate everyone’s schedule.”
They’re not trying to be hurtful. They’re building their own traditions with their own families, which is natural and healthy. But when the rituals that connected us seem to matter so little to them, it feels like our shared history is being erased.
6) Being impatient with our struggles with technology or health
“Dad, I showed you how to do this last week!”
The exasperation in their voice when we ask for help with our phone again, or when we move a bit slower than we used to, or when we repeat a story we’ve already told—it cuts deep. They don’t mean to be impatient. They’re stressed, rushed, pulled in a million directions.
But we remember being endlessly patient when they were learning to tie their shoes or struggling with homework. We remember answering their thousandth “why?” question with a smile. The role reversal feels particularly cruel when met with sighs and eye rolls.
7) Assuming we have nothing but time
“We’ll do that trip next year.” “Let’s plan to get together soon.” “We should have you over for dinner sometime.”
Our adult children often operate under the assumption that there’s always more time. They postpone visits, delay plans, and push meaningful conversations to “later” because, to them, we’re a constant that will always be there.
But those of us in our sixties and beyond? We feel time differently. We know that “next year” isn’t guaranteed, that “soon” might be too late, and that “sometime” often means never. When they treat time with us as infinitely available, it reminds us that they haven’t yet grasped how finite it really is.
Closing thoughts
Writing this wasn’t easy. I had to confront my own feelings about my relationship with my sons and acknowledge the times I’ve felt hurt by their actions—or inactions. I’ve also had to recognize that I probably did similar things to my own parents without realizing it.
The good news? Once we understand these patterns, we can address them. I’ve learned that having honest, vulnerable conversations with our adult children about how we feel—without accusation or guilt-tripping—can open doors we didn’t even know were closed.
So here’s my question for you: which of these behaviors have you experienced, and more importantly, how will you bridge that gap with your adult children?
