The holidays used to make my stomach knot up before I even pulled into my childhood driveway.
My mother would be in the kitchen, flour dusting every surface, homemade everything cooling on racks while she fretted about whether the rolls were golden enough.
My father would arrive home late from work, exhausted, settling into his chair with minimal conversation beyond commenting on the weather or asking about school grades.
We’d sit at that perfectly set table, passing dishes in careful choreography, everyone playing their part in a performance nobody had auditioned for.
I spent years thinking this was just how families worked during the holidays. Now, watching my own kids bounce between helping me prep vegetables and building blanket forts with their dad, I realize how much those old patterns shaped me.
And how hard I’ve worked to break them.
If your holidays feel more like emotional minefields than celebrations, you might be dealing with the aftermath of unhealed trauma in your family.
Here are eight things I’ve noticed parents with unprocessed pain tend to do that create distance instead of connection.
1) They turn every gathering into a performance review
Remember those awkward moments when relatives would grill you about grades, career plans, or relationship status? Parents carrying unhealed trauma often can’t help but measure their kids’ worth through achievements.
They’ll spend the entire holiday dinner asking about promotions, comparing cousins’ accomplishments, or reminding everyone about past successes.
Last week, a friend told me her mom spent Thanksgiving listing all the ways her sister’s kids were “ahead” academically. The whole table went silent. Kids don’t come home to be evaluated; they come home to be loved.
When you catch yourself leading with “How’s work?” try “What’s been making you laugh lately?” instead. Your grown kids need to know they matter beyond their resume.
2) They recreate the same rigid traditions that hurt them
My mother insisted on making everything from scratch because that’s what her mother did, even though it left her anxious and snapping at anyone who entered the kitchen.
I found myself doing the same thing my first few years hosting, until my daughter asked why I was crying over pie crust at midnight.
Parents with unhealed trauma often cling to traditions that caused them pain, thinking this time will be different. They force everyone into matching pajamas for photos nobody wants to take.
They insist on specific meal times even when half the family is traveling. They recreate scenes from their childhood without asking if anyone actually enjoys them.
Your kids would rather eat store-bought cookies with a relaxed parent than homemade ones with someone on the verge of collapse.
3) They use guilt as their primary communication tool
- “I guess you’re too busy for your family now.”
- “We never see you anymore.”
- “Your father and I won’t be around forever.”
Sound familiar?
Parents dealing with their own abandonment wounds often weaponize guilt during holidays. They make every scheduling conflict feel like betrayal. They turn reasonable boundaries into personal attacks.
I’ve watched friends literally schedule extra therapy sessions in December just to prepare for the guilt trips. When parents make their children responsible for their emotional wellbeing, those children learn to stay away.
4) They dismiss or mock emotional expression
Growing up, any tears at our holiday table were met with “Don’t ruin dinner” or “Save the drama for later.” Feelings were inconvenient interruptions to the perfect family image we were supposed to project.
Parents with unprocessed trauma often can’t handle their children’s emotions because they never learned to handle their own.
They’ll make jokes when someone tries to share something vulnerable. They’ll change the subject when conversations get deep. They’ll minimize pain with phrases like “You’re too sensitive” or “It wasn’t that bad.”
Wonder why your kids only give surface-level updates about their lives? This might be why.
5) They compete with in-laws and extended family
The scorekeeping is exhausting. Who gets Christmas Eve versus Christmas Day. Whose traditions take priority. Which grandparents the kids love more.
Parents nursing old wounds of not being chosen or valued often turn holidays into competitions. They’ll sulk if you spend equal time with your spouse’s family.
They’ll make passive-aggressive comments about the other grandparents’ gifts. They’ll create loyalty tests that nobody can pass.
Your kids notice when you make them choose sides. And eventually, they’ll choose peace over your presence.
6) They bring up old conflicts and embarrassments
Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like rehashing that time you crashed the car in high school or reminding everyone about your sibling’s divorce.
Parents with unhealed trauma often can’t let go of past hurts, so they collect them like ornaments to hang out every December.
They’ll retell embarrassing stories despite requests to stop. They’ll bring up old arguments as “jokes.” They’ll remind everyone of past failures while wondering why nobody wants to share current struggles.
If your holiday conversation consists mainly of grievances from 1987, you’re not creating memories; you’re driving people away.
7) They refuse to acknowledge family problems
The flip side of bringing up old conflicts? Pretending nothing bad ever happened. Parents with unhealed trauma sometimes cope by rewriting history entirely.
They’ll invite the relative who hurt you and expect you to play nice. They’ll deny conversations that definitely happened. They’ll insist “we’ve always been close” while ignoring years of dysfunction.
This forced denial makes children feel crazy and unseen. When you can’t acknowledge reality, your kids learn they can’t trust you with their truth.
8) They make their children responsible for their happiness
“Christmas is ruined” because someone arrived late. “You’ve destroyed the holiday” because someone set a boundary. Every disappointment becomes their children’s fault and responsibility to fix.
Parents with unhealed trauma often expect their kids to heal wounds they didn’t create. They need constant reassurance, perfect behavior, and unlimited availability.
They’ve never learned to generate their own joy, so they demand their children provide it.
This emotional labor is exhausting. And eventually, your kids will realize the price of your happiness is their own peace.
Moving forward with healing
Reading this might sting a little. I know because I’ve recognized myself in some of these patterns. That stomach-knot feeling from my childhood? I was recreating it in my own kitchen until I stopped and asked myself what I was really trying to achieve.
The good news is that awareness is the first step toward change. You don’t have to perpetuate patterns that hurt you. You can create new traditions that actually bring joy. You can have conversations that go deeper than weather and work.
This year, instead of perfect place settings, maybe focus on making space for imperfect, real connections. Your family doesn’t need you to be healed completely.
They just need you to be healing, actively choosing connection over performance, presence over perfection.
The holidays don’t have to be emotional battlegrounds. Sometimes the most radical thing you can do is simply admit that things weren’t okay, and choose to do better.
Your kids are waiting for that opening. They want to come home to parents who see them as whole people, not report cards or disappointments or sources of validation.
Start small. Pick one pattern to work on. The rest will follow.
