Look, I’ll be honest with you. A few years back, my younger son and I were barely speaking. We’d have these surface-level conversations about the weather, work, the kids, but nothing deeper.
Then one day, he finally told me why: “Dad, every time I share something with you, you turn it into a lecture or tell me what I should have done differently.”
That hit me like a ton of bricks. Here I was, thinking I was being helpful, when really I was pushing him away.
Since then, I’ve been on a journey to understand what we folks over 60 might be doing that creates distance with our adult children. And trust me, I’ve been guilty of most of these myself.
If you’re still doing these things, you might be making it harder for your kids to want to spend time with you.
1) Offering unsolicited advice constantly
This was my biggest wake-up call. When my son would mention a problem at work, I’d immediately launch into “Well, what you should do is…” mode. Sound familiar?
Our kids are adults now. They’ve got mortgages, careers, and children of their own. When they share something with us, they’re usually not asking for solutions. They just want to be heard.
I’ve learned to bite my tongue and ask instead: “Are you looking for advice, or do you just need to vent?” You’d be amazed how often it’s the latter. And when they do want advice? They’ll ask for it.
2) Refusing to apologize for past mistakes
We all made mistakes raising our kids. Maybe we were too harsh, too absent, or just plain got some things wrong. But if we can’t acknowledge that, we’re essentially telling our children their feelings don’t matter.
I remember apologizing to both my sons for being so focused on my career during their teenage years. It wasn’t easy to admit I’d missed important moments, but those conversations opened doors I didn’t even know were closed.
3) Dismissing their lifestyle choices
- “In my day, we didn’t need therapy.”
- “Why would you spend money on organic food?”
- “That’s not how we raised children.”
Every time we say something like this, we’re basically telling our kids that their choices are wrong. Whether it’s their parenting style, career path, or how they spend their money, constantly comparing their choices to “how things used to be” creates a wall between generations.
4) Making every conversation about yourself
Your kid mentions they’re tired, and you launch into how exhausted you are. They talk about their vacation, and you immediately pivot to your trip from 1987.
I caught myself doing this constantly. It’s not that our stories aren’t interesting, but when we hijack every conversation, our kids stop sharing. They know whatever they say will just become a springboard for our own tales.
5) Using guilt as a communication tool
- “I guess I’ll just spend Christmas alone.”
- “You never call anymore.”
- “I won’t be around forever, you know.”
Guilt might get you a phone call or visit in the short term, but it builds resentment over time. Our kids shouldn’t feel obligated to spend time with us; they should want to.
6) Refusing to learn new technology
I get it. Technology moves fast, and sometimes it feels overwhelming. But when we refuse to text, video call, or engage with the platforms our kids use, we’re cutting ourselves off from huge parts of their lives.
You don’t need to become a social media expert, but learning to video chat with the grandkids or text your children makes staying connected so much easier.
My grandchildren love showing me their school projects over video calls now.
7) Being inflexible about traditions
For years, I insisted everyone come to our house for Thanksgiving. Same menu, same time, same everything. But as my sons’ families grew and their in-laws entered the picture, this became a source of stress rather than joy.
Being flexible about when and how we celebrate, or being open to new traditions, shows our kids we value their happiness over rigid routines.
8) Criticizing their spouse or partner
Even if you think you’re being subtle, trust me, you’re not. That little comment about how their spouse “could help out more” or how they’re “different from what you expected” creates tension that can last for years.
Our kids chose their partners. When we criticize their choice, even indirectly, we’re criticizing them too.
Unless there’s genuine concern for their safety, it’s better to find things you appreciate about their partner and focus on those.
9) Ignoring boundaries they set
Maybe they’ve asked you not to drop by without calling first, or they’ve requested you not discuss politics at dinner. When we ignore these boundaries because “family shouldn’t have rules,” we’re showing disrespect for their autonomy.
Respecting boundaries actually brings families closer. It shows we value their comfort and needs.
10) Never asking questions about their lives
This one transformed my relationship with both my sons. Instead of always talking, I started asking questions. Real questions, not interrogations.
- “What’s exciting you these days?”
- “What’s been on your mind lately?”
- “Tell me about that project you mentioned.”
When I stopped assuming I knew everything about their lives and started showing genuine curiosity, our conversations became richer and more frequent.
Closing thoughts
Changing these patterns isn’t easy. I’m still catching myself falling into old habits, especially when I think I have wisdom to share.
But every time I choose to listen instead of lecture, or ask instead of assume, I feel my relationships with my sons grow stronger.
Here’s what I’m curious about: Which of these hit closest to home for you? Because recognizing it is the first step toward building the connection with your adult children that you both deserve.
