Let me be honest: watching my parents with my kids has been… complicated.
I love that they want to be involved grandparents. Really, I do. But there are moments when I see my daughter’s shoulders tense up when we pull into their driveway, or catch my son hiding behind my legs when they arrive for a visit. And it breaks my heart a little.
The thing is, most grandparents who push their grandkids away don’t even realize they’re doing it. They’re coming from a place of love, but sometimes that love gets tangled up with outdated ideas, boundary issues, or just plain old stubbornness.
If you’re a grandparent wondering why visits feel strained, or if you’re a parent watching this dynamic unfold, here are some behaviors that might be creating distance instead of connection.
1. Dismissing or mocking their parents’ rules
“Your mom’s being ridiculous with all these organic snacks. In my day, we ate whatever and turned out fine!”
Sound familiar? I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard variations of this. When grandparents undermine parenting choices in front of the kids, it creates confusion and anxiety. My five-year-old once asked me why Grandma thinks I’m “silly” for caring about what she eats. That’s a conversation I shouldn’t have to have.
Kids need consistency. When they hear Grandpa saying Mom’s rules don’t matter, they don’t just lose respect for the rules. They start feeling torn between the people they love most. It’s not fair to put them in that position.
2. Forcing physical affection
My two-year-old is a cuddler, but only on his terms. When he’s ready, he’ll climb into your lap and snuggle for ages. But when he’s not? Forcing it just makes him retreat further.
Yet I’ve watched relatives insist on hugs and kisses, even when he’s clearly uncomfortable. “Give Grandma a kiss!” becomes a battle, with him squirming away and everyone feeling awkward.
Teaching kids they have autonomy over their bodies isn’t being rude. It’s giving them the foundation to set boundaries throughout their lives. A high-five or a wave can show love just as much as a hug.
3. Playing favorites openly
This one’s subtle but devastating. Maybe one grandchild reminds you more of yourself. Maybe another is easier to handle. Whatever the reason, kids pick up on favoritism faster than you think.
I watched this happen with my own siblings growing up, and the effects lasted well into adulthood. The “favorite” felt guilty, the others felt inadequate, and family gatherings became minefields of old hurts.
Each child deserves to feel special in their own way. Find what makes each grandchild unique and celebrate that, rather than comparing them to each other or to how their parents were as kids.
4. Overwhelming them with gifts and sugar
“Grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandkids!”
I get it. You want to be the fun one. But when every visit becomes a sugar-fueled gift extravaganza, kids start associating you with chaos rather than connection. My daughter once told me she felt “buzzy and weird” after visiting grandparents who loaded her up with candy.
Plus, when you constantly override parents’ limits on treats and toys, you’re teaching kids that rules don’t matter when certain people are around. That’s a recipe for behavioral issues that last long after the sugar crash.
5. Guilt-tripping about visit frequency
“I guess you’re too busy for your grandparents. We won’t be around forever, you know.”
Guilt is not a bonding tool. When kids hear these comments, visits become obligations rather than joys. They start dreading the emotional manipulation before they even walk through the door.
My parents used to do this, and it took a frank conversation about how it was affecting my kids’ excitement about seeing them. Now they focus on making the time we do have together positive, and ironically, we visit more often because it’s actually enjoyable.
6. Constant criticism disguised as “helping”
“Your hair would look so much prettier if you grew it out.”
“Are you sure you want seconds?”
“Why don’t you play a real sport instead of that art class?”
These little digs add up. What feels like helpful guidance to you might feel like constant judgment to a child. I’ve watched my tender-hearted daughter wilt under well-meaning comments about everything from her choice of clothes to her interests.
Kids are figuring out who they are. They need cheerleaders, not critics. Save the suggestions for when they actually ask for advice.
7. Living in the past
Every conversation doesn’t need to start with “When I was your age…” or “Your parent used to…”
While family history has its place, constantly comparing the present to the past makes kids feel like they can never measure up to some golden era they weren’t part of. My daughter once asked if Grandma even liked who she was now, or if she just wished she was more like I was as a kid.
Share stories, sure. But balance them with genuine interest in who your grandchildren are today, what they’re into, what makes them tick. Ask about their world instead of always pulling them into yours.
8. Ignoring their interests
If your grandchild is obsessed with dinosaurs, but you keep buying them dolls because that’s what you think they should like, you’re sending a clear message: I don’t see you for who you are.
My daughter loves sorting leaves and examining bugs. Some relatives find this weird and keep trying to redirect her to more “normal” activities. The grandparents who get down on the ground and help her build fairy houses from twigs? Those are the ones she talks about all week.
Meet them where they are. Enter their world instead of always trying to pull them into yours.
9. Making everything a teachable moment
Sometimes kids just want to play. They don’t need every interaction to be a lesson about respect, responsibility, or the right way to do things.
I’ve noticed my kids actively avoid certain relatives who can’t just let them be kids. Every game becomes a lecture, every mistake becomes a learning opportunity. It’s exhausting for everyone.
There’s value in just being present, in laughing at silly jokes, in getting messy without worrying about the cleanup. Those are the moments that build real connections.
Creating connections that last
Here’s what I’ve learned from watching both the struggles and successes in our extended family: grandchildren don’t need perfect grandparents. They need grandparents who see them, respect them, and create space for genuine connection.
The grandparents my kids can’t wait to see? They’re the ones who remember their current interests, who respect our family’s choices even when they don’t understand them, and who focus on building relationships rather than enforcing their own ideas of how things should be.
It’s never too late to shift these dynamics. Kids are incredibly forgiving when they see real effort to connect. Start small. Ask about their day without offering advice. Respect a “no thank you” to a hug. Show interest in whatever weird thing they’re currently obsessed with.
The goal isn’t to be the “cool” grandparent. It’s to be a safe, loving presence in their lives. Someone they’ll want to visit not because they have to, but because they genuinely want to share their world with you.
And trust me, when you get that balance right, those visits become something everyone looks forward to, not something anyone dreads.
