I grew up believing that if your parents fed you, clothed you, and kept a roof over your head, you had no right to complain.
It took years of doing my own inner work before becoming a parent to realize that children need so much more than the basics to truly feel loved.
Now, raising my kids Ellie and Milo, I’m constantly learning how emotional availability shapes everything about how secure our kids feel in the world.
Emotionally immature parents often love their children deeply but lack the tools to express that love in ways children can actually receive. These patterns get passed down through generations until someone decides to break the cycle.
Understanding what emotional immaturity looks like in parenting can help us recognize where we might be falling short and, more importantly, how to do better.
1. They make their children responsible for managing their emotions
When a parent’s mood dictates the entire household’s atmosphere, children learn quickly to become emotional managers.
They develop a sixth sense for reading their parent’s state and adjust their behavior accordingly. Maybe they stay quiet when mom seems stressed or become extra helpful when dad looks frustrated. This hypervigilance becomes second nature.
I’ve caught myself doing this with Ellie when I’m overwhelmed. She’ll pick up on my tension and start asking, “Are you okay, Mama?” in this small, worried voice.
That’s my cue to take a breath and reassure her that my feelings are mine to handle, not hers to fix. Children need to know that while we welcome their empathy, our emotional regulation is our own responsibility.
Research in child development shows that when parents consistently regulate their own emotions and co-regulate with their children rather than expecting their children to manage them, kids develop healthier emotional processing. They learn that feelings are manageable and that adults can be trusted to handle their own inner worlds.
When we reverse this dynamic, we rob our children of their childhood and set them up for a lifetime of caretaking others at their own expense.
2. They’re physically present but emotionally unavailable
Showing up physically while being mentally or emotionally checked out creates a particular kind of loneliness for children.
The parent is right there, sitting across the dinner table or in the same room, but there’s no real connection happening. They go through the motions of parenting without engaging with who their child actually is.
These parents might provide all the practical necessities but remain disconnected from their child’s inner world. They don’t ask follow-up questions about what their child shared.
They respond to emotional needs with discomfort or a quick dismissal. Their attention is always partly elsewhere, on their phone, on their worries, on anything except the child in front of them.
I make it a practice to have at least one stretch each day where I’m fully present with each kid. No phone, no mental to-do list, just us.
With Ellie, that might mean sitting in the garden while she tells me elaborate stories about the worms she’s found.
With Milo, it’s often just being on the floor while he climbs all over me. The quality of presence matters infinitely more than the quantity of hours logged in the same space.
3. They invalidate or minimize their child’s feelings
“You’re fine.” “Stop crying.” “That’s nothing to be upset about.”
These phrases might seem harmless in the moment, but they teach children that their emotional reality is wrong or excessive.
When a child’s feelings are consistently dismissed, they learn to disconnect from their own inner experience.
Emotionally immature parents often feel uncomfortable with big emotions, whether their own or their children’s.
They respond to tears or anger with irritation, impatience, or attempts to shut down the feeling as quickly as possible. They might compare their child to others who “have it worse” or laugh off genuine concerns because they don’t know how to sit with discomfort.
Psychology research shows us that children need their feelings acknowledged before they can move through them.
When Milo has a meltdown over something that seems trivial to me, like his cup being the wrong color, I remind myself that his feelings are real even if the trigger seems small. I might say, “You really wanted the blue cup. That feels disappointing.”
Validating the emotion doesn’t mean giving in to every demand. It means recognizing that what he feels matters, which helps him develop emotional intelligence.
4. They compete with their children instead of supporting them
Have you ever watched a parent subtly diminish their child’s accomplishment? It might look like redirecting a conversation about the child’s success back to their own achievements, downplaying what the child did, or finding flaws in the accomplishment rather than celebrating it.
This competitive dynamic creates deep confusion for children.
Emotionally immature parents feel threatened when their children shine. They might make comments like “Well, when I was your age…” or “That’s good, but have you thought about…”
The child learns that success comes with a cost: their parent’s withdrawal or criticism. Over time, many children begin to dim their own light to protect their parent’s fragile ego.
5. They treat their children as confidants or therapists
The parent-child boundary exists for good reason. When emotionally immature parents blur that line by treating their children as emotional support animals, they steal something essential from childhood.
These parents share adult worries, vent about relationships, and seek comfort from their kids.
Psychologists call this type of dynamic “parentification,” where children take on emotional caretaking roles that should belong to adults.
This role reversal teaches kids that their value lies in what they can provide to others emotionally. They become skilled at reading and meeting needs while losing touch with their own.
Unfortunately, these children often grow into adults who struggle with codependency and have difficulty identifying their own feelings and needs.
Children need to be children, not miniature therapists.
6. They’re inconsistent and unpredictable in their responses
When the same behavior gets met with affection one day and anger the next, children live in a state of constant uncertainty.
They can’t predict whether coming home with a scraped knee will result in comfort or irritation. Whether asking for help will be met with patience or exasperation depends entirely on the parent’s mood that day.
This inconsistency prevents secure attachment from forming. Dr. John Bowlby’s attachment research shows that children need predictable responses to develop trust.
When a parent’s reaction depends on factors the child can’t control or understand, like the parent’s stress level or unrelated frustrations, the child learns that relationships are fundamentally unstable and love is conditional on circumstances beyond their influence.
I work hard to be consistent in how I respond to certain situations. When Milo hits out of frustration, I handle it the same way whether I’m well-rested or exhausted: I stop the behavior, name the feeling, and redirect.
My mood might color my energy level, but it shouldn’t dictate whether he receives gentle guidance or harsh punishment. That consistency helps him feel safe.
7. They withhold affection as punishment or control
Perhaps the most damaging pattern is when emotionally immature parents use love as a bargaining chip.
They withdraw warmth when displeased. They give silent treatments. They communicate through cold distance that the child has disappointed them so severely that the relationship itself is threatened.
This conditional love creates deep wounds around worthiness.
Children need to know that while their behavior might require correction, their place in our hearts is secure. They need to trust that our love doesn’t fluctuate based on their performance.
When we withhold affection to punish or control, we teach them that love is earned through perfect behavior and can be revoked at any moment.
That’s a recipe for lifelong anxiety around relationships and a deep-seated belief that they’re fundamentally unlovable.
Breaking the patterns
Recognizing these patterns in your own parenting can feel overwhelming. I see bits of emotional immaturity in myself regularly, usually when I’m stressed or triggered.
The difference is that I’m working on it. I apologize when I mess up. I repair ruptures quickly. I’m actively learning better ways to show up for my kids.
You don’t have to be perfect to raise secure, loved children. You just need to be willing to look honestly at your patterns and commit to growth.
Our kids don’t need flawless parents. They need parents who are emotionally present, who validate their feelings, who celebrate their successes, and who love them consistently even when things are hard.
That’s what builds the foundation for children who grow up knowing, deep in their bones, that they’re worthy of love.
