Family gatherings used to be something I dreaded. You know the type—awkward silences, forced conversations, and everyone counting the minutes until they could politely leave.
But somewhere along the way, things changed. Now our family actually looks forward to getting together, and my adult sons genuinely enjoy bringing their kids over for Sunday dinners.
What made the difference? Well, after watching many families struggle with this same issue over my years in HR, and experiencing both the good and bad in my own family, I’ve noticed some clear patterns. Parents who have great relationships with their adult children do certain things differently.
If you’re wondering why your grown kids seem to find excuses to skip family events, or if you want to strengthen what you already have, these seven approaches might help transform your gatherings from obligations into occasions everyone genuinely anticipates.
1. They treat their adult children as equals, not subordinates
Remember when your kids were young and you had to make all the decisions? That was appropriate then.
But I’ve seen too many parents who can’t let go of that dynamic, even when their “kids” are pushing forty with mortgages and children of their own.
The parents who get this right? They ask for their adult children’s opinions and actually listen. They share their own struggles and uncertainties instead of always having to be the wise authority figure.
Just last month, my older son gave me advice about refinancing our home, and you know what? He was absolutely right. Ten years ago, I might have brushed off his suggestion because “what does he know?” But treating him as the capable adult he’s become has transformed our relationship.
When you stop lecturing and start conversing, something magical happens. Your adult children actually want to share their lives with you because they know they’ll get respect, not a sermon.
2. They respect boundaries without taking it personally
This one can sting a bit, but it’s crucial. Your adult children have their own family traditions now, their own way of doing things. And that’s not a rejection of you—it’s just them growing up.
I remember feeling hurt when my younger son said they wouldn’t be coming for Christmas morning anymore because they wanted to start their own tradition with the kids. My first instinct was to guilt-trip him. But Linda, my wife, reminded me that we did the exact same thing when our boys were young.
Parents who maintain great relationships understand that “no” doesn’t mean “I don’t love you.” It means “I have other commitments and priorities.” They celebrate their children’s independence rather than mourning the loss of control.
Boundaries actually strengthen relationships when they’re respected. They show that you value the other person as an individual, not just as an extension of yourself.
3. They create new traditions that work for everyone
Speaking of traditions, the best family gatherings I’ve witnessed aren’t stuck in 1995. They evolve with the family’s changing needs and interests.
We used to insist on formal sit-down dinners that lasted hours. Now? We do potluck-style meals where everyone brings something, and people can eat when they’re hungry. The grandkids can play between courses, and nobody’s stressed about timing.
One family I know started a monthly game night that rotates between houses. Another does quarterly “adventure days” where they try something new together, like escape rooms, hiking trails, or cooking classes.
The key is finding what works for your specific family, not what you think family gatherings “should” look like.
4. They show genuine interest in their children’s actual lives
How many times have you heard someone complain that their parents only ask about work promotions or when they’re having more kids? It’s exhausting when every conversation feels like a performance review.
Want to know what your adult children really care about? Pay attention to what they post online, what books they’re reading, what shows they’re watching.
My younger son is really into sustainable living right now. I don’t fully understand composting systems, but I ask questions just the same because I can see it matters to him.
The psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good.”
That’s the gift you can give your adult children—genuine curiosity about who they are now, not who you hoped they’d become.
5. They’ve let go of old grievances and stopped keeping score
Every family has history. Maybe your daughter chose a college you didn’t approve of. Maybe your son married someone you initially didn’t like. Perhaps there were harsh words exchanged during those turbulent teenage years.
Parents who have great relationships with their adult children have made peace with the past. They don’t bring up old mistakes or hold grudges about perceived slights. They definitely don’t keep a mental tally of who calls more often or who forgot Mother’s Day that one time.
I’ll admit, this was tough for me. There were decisions my sons made that I thought were mistakes. But constantly bringing them up only pushed them away.
Once I truly let go—not just said I did, but actually released that need to be “right”—our conversations became so much lighter and more enjoyable.
6. They make space for the in-laws and grandchildren
Your family expanded when your children got married and had kids. The parents who get this right don’t just tolerate the additions; they embrace them.
This means accepting that your daughter-in-law might have different ideas about child-rearing. It means including your son-in-law in conversations beyond polite small talk. It means remembering that your grandchildren are individuals, not just cute accessories or do-over opportunities for your parenting regrets.
Being a grandfather has taught me something important: my role is to support, not to override. When my grandson acts up during dinner, I follow his parents’ lead on discipline, even if I might handle it differently. This respect for their parenting makes them actually want to bring the kids around more often.
7. They take care of their own happiness
Here’s something nobody talks about enough: parents who guilt their children about not visiting enough usually don’t have enough going on in their own lives.
The happiest family relationships I’ve observed involve parents who have their own friends, hobbies, and interests. They’re excited to see their children, but their emotional well-being doesn’t depend on it. They have stories to share about their own adventures, not just questions about everyone else’s lives.
Since retiring, I’ve joined a hiking group, started volunteering at the library, and Linda and I are finally taking those cooking classes we always talked about. When we get together with our sons and their families, we have fresh things to talk about. We’re not sitting around waiting for them to fill our empty schedules.
Closing thoughts
After thirty years of watching workplace dynamics and family relationships intersect, I can tell you this: the same principles that make good colleagues make good family members. Respect, boundaries, genuine interest, and personal fulfillment create environments where people want to be.
The beautiful thing about being a parent of adult children is that you get to discover who they’ve become. But that only happens when you stop trying to control the relationship and start enjoying it.
So here’s my question for you: What’s one thing you could let go of that might make your next family gathering more enjoyable for everyone?
